Another of my random memories that pop up randomly. This time more than two decades ago.
When I was 15 years (almost 16) old I fell in love. This felt awful: Desire to be with somebody. Desire to be loved myself.
There was not the slightest chance that my love would be reciprocated. Nobody would love somebody as ugly as myself – even more when looking like dumpling of yeast dough due to forced drug abuse (anti-psychotics). They always say that it's the inner values that count. In reality the outer appearance can and will scare people away before there is any chance to show inner values.
The feeling of falling in love was one of the worst situations I've ever encountered. The hopelessness. Pure desperation. Feeling inadequate and insufficient.
This feeling just had to go away!
So I decided to make it go away. I had enough of the poisonous substances (prescription drugs) left for this task. During the forced treatment with anti-psychotics I felt nothing like love, or desire or pretty much any feeling but emptiness. The strongest effect on me in this regard had Amisulpride. So I took Amisulpride again. Heavy doses, but not overdoses like the doctors forced me to do before. A few days later the feeling of love and desire inside me died. I continued taking the drugs for some weeks just to be sure.
The feeling never came back since then.
When I was 15 years (almost 16) old I fell in love. This felt awful: Desire to be with somebody. Desire to be loved myself.
There was not the slightest chance that my love would be reciprocated. Nobody would love somebody as ugly as myself – even more when looking like dumpling of yeast dough due to forced drug abuse (anti-psychotics). They always say that it's the inner values that count. In reality the outer appearance can and will scare people away before there is any chance to show inner values.
The feeling of falling in love was one of the worst situations I've ever encountered. The hopelessness. Pure desperation. Feeling inadequate and insufficient.
This feeling just had to go away!
So I decided to make it go away. I had enough of the poisonous substances (prescription drugs) left for this task. During the forced treatment with anti-psychotics I felt nothing like love, or desire or pretty much any feeling but emptiness. The strongest effect on me in this regard had Amisulpride. So I took Amisulpride again. Heavy doses, but not overdoses like the doctors forced me to do before. A few days later the feeling of love and desire inside me died. I continued taking the drugs for some weeks just to be sure.
The feeling never came back since then.
