Ignorance only goes so far...

My condolences to your mother, but I believe you cannot beat yourself up for the "horrible actions" you have made in the past.

If you've made amends to those actions, then it's best to look into the future. The next days are always different then the past and current.

well change comes from within. more importantly where do you see yourlself 5 years from now? (include the best and the worst possible scenarios)

for me its dead (the worst), and living in my rare canadian herb /rare plant greenshouse / house with a kid I haven't had yet (the best).
note how both of these don't list the current troubles I have.

I know the greenhouse/kid thing involves me working my arse off in any job(s) I can get and saving every bit of money I can. the dead part well can't really get worse than that.

so for you.... forget your mom, concentrate on your goals...
if indeed your goal is to have that collection of electronics than whats the big deal? if it isn't why not sell them and start on your plans for what you really want?

I am not comfortable with what you said. Nobody should forget their parents or ditch them. I have a tie with my parents my mother more than my dad for personal reasons... My mother went through the same thing I am when she was a kid. She is going through deeper depression than mine but mine is constricting.

I can't motivate myself to do anything and I hide every emotion by involving myself in electronics. Such as getting a bunch of games and movies. I don't want to collect electronics but in not comfortable with what I'm doing to myself.

I want to change but I can't. I have traumas from my childhood that nobody should have as a kid. My mind has constricted itself so badly I don't remember anything before my teenage years.

It's just I am suffering more knowing my mother might have a risk of not making it past the surgery she needs and I am suffering from my choices and my unwillingness to have a life.


I just wish I had a job or went to college. Even if I did I am anti social. I calculate things and criticize them. Let's say somebody watches a movie and loves it. I detail it and explain why it sucks.

There's so much wrong with me and it's frustrating alright. I don't expect any pry to understand but I hate holding it in. I have no friends since I graduated and I'm more lost than ever. My trauma has caused me to do wrong things in the past also such as theivery. I have amended my mistakes and I have changed but I'm so tired of suffering. Based on my mothers problems I just thing I have a genetic depression that came from her. She's same as me.

I just want it to end honestly...

typos..

why worry about what you would do to make something better. Its how you criticize it and then what you do with that criticism. but then you already know that. I didn't mean entirely forget your mom. but again you got my point without having to explain what I meant.

...Well thanks for the advice. If all works out with my mother then I will move forward or try to move forward by going to a doctor for clinical depression...