Marriage

Wow, were in pretty much the same boat, you and I. My parents want me to get married, but not forcibly so, but its never been any secret that they have their hearts set on it.

They want to help me find some potential matches and they want me to become well acquainted with the fellow, before making my own decisions--sort of like eHarmony or something, but I get it for free--and whether I want it or not.

I'd been pretty set on never getting married when I was younger, I have alot of people over me and had decided that when I grew up I wanted to be well and alone for once, while continuously expanding my education part time while working full time and spending all my spare time on my own hobbies, until, my parents reached old age and needed me to care for them, then I'd return and do that. That was my whole lifes ambition in a nutshell from the age of 8 to 16.

But when I got to be a little bit older, of course I had to rethink some stuff and make actual decisions. More or less, I dont think I want to be alone, and since my sister has decided she doesn't want to move with me to some apartments, per our agreement when we were kids, and my brothers are all still too young to move out with me, though 3 of them said that they would, I've got to be realistic about some things. They're just kids, 12-8 year olds dont make good room mates and they dont do a good job of putting the seat down, which drives me crazy.

I've been entertaining the idea of marriage for a couple of years now, as I'm 18 and I can see many benefits in it, but I'm not so sure I want to just leap into it, though I have to admit--not to my parents, but to myself--that they did a heck of a good job finding a guy. If I'd made a list of "Must haves" in a mate, he fits 90% of them in one fell swoop, I mean, with out even trying.

But he's still in school and so am I, both of us want to finish a set of educational goals before we commit to anything. We've agreed to keep in touch and talk online as much as possible to try and get a good sense of the others personality, and when time permits we will meet in person and interact a little more. Of course, on one side--the more rational side, I'm certain we're a good match and happy with the arrangement. We both seem like the same sort of people deep down, which I like. On the other end, there are those long moments--the times that seem to last an eternity--when I drown myself in my self-doubt and insecurity and negative thoughts.

I dont know anything for sure, but in the end of it all, I'll probably settle down with this guy unless he finds someone that he likes better. (As if, that could happen, I'm the best!)


Of course my moms going to run the wedding, along with his aunt probably, which I dont mind, as I'm a professional slacker. I've never been into ceremonial stuff. I hate the domestic politics of it all. She loves them, and eats that sort of stuff up. Plus, I think I scared her when I said I was buying one chicken and one store bought cake and on the invitations I was putting "Please bring food and drinks enough for your party/the people coming with you, as the Bride and Groom have better things to use their families money on than stuffing your faces for a day"--or something like that.

I'm sure that theres a lot more right with you than there is wrong, so dont worry about not being good enough for anyone. You seem well grounded enough from what I've seen of your 2,247 posts on this forum . You're not ugly--aren't you the Temper from the Temper Pics thread with the baby girl (your sister)? and if you really want to complete your education first, then make it known to; your parents, any women your parents introduce you to, and the girls family. You all can either work something out or come to some understanding, I hope.

Cheers, and I'll be praying for you man, that you receive the best and only the best from what ever decision you and your family make .

come to usa. no arranged weddings here.

@Juggernaut, lol. Nice thought but come on buddy boy, open your eyes. They exist everywhere, in all cultures, societies and religions .

Besides, arranged marriages aren't the most oppressive thing in the world, you just have the wrong understanding of them.

To me an arranged marriage goes against the whole concept of marriage in the first place.

How can you commit yourself to somebody for life only to find out later that you don't love the person and can't ever love that person??

A marriage should only be entered IMO when two people are fully commited to each other. IMO they should see the other person as their best friend and they should be able to discuss anything in the world with that person.

Now a loveless marriage to keep everybody happy is one thing, but then bringing children into that environment is a whole other thing. I would hate to see the impact that would have on a child growing up in that family...

[quote name='gizmo_gal' post='1247341' date='Jul 2 2008, 09:26 AM']Besides, arranged marriages aren't the most oppressive thing in the world, you just have the wrong understanding of them.[/quote]
They lessen the chances of getting a whore as a partner in life.


[quote name='MC DUI' post='1247441' date='Jul 2 2008, 10:57 AM']To me an arranged marriage goes against the whole concept of marriage in the first place.

How can you commit yourself to somebody for life only to find out later that you don't love the person and can't ever love that person??[/quote]
They usually give you time to get to know each other.

I do not quite know what I am doing in an emotion based topic but oh well. I recently watched/read dune again so it seems I am in that sort of headspace right now.

Very few people I know as far as I want/seek their company ever get/got married and it does seem to be a rather pointless hangover from days past (thankfully the legal positions (I want a better word there, probably protections/rights....) afforded are being dropped fairly quickly).

re: arranged marriage. I have seen some fairly odd things when it comes to marriage and I will back gizmo_gal up when the concept of forced marriage comes into play (the "not limited to anywhere at all" part).
Personally I have seen aranged can go from "'cause I knocked her up 'innit" to political (and it can get fairly scary) to familial (usually a subset of political and often to do with percieved money/status) and I will not even start on the academia front.
This being said the latter (and for what it is worth the former is not entirely exempt) is usually a public facade and all manner of stuff happens outside of the public eye.
Re: "traditional" arranged marriage I have seen them go both ways and just be mediocre (much like the "western" concept really).

As for what to do the advice given to me was "f*ck anyone you like just wear a condom" so I shall refrain from comment.
Although to "Both my culture and my religion strictly prohibit sex outside of marriage" I would say do they and how hard is it to shift emphasis to something else.

Delay the marriage AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.
Study. Finish your studies. Start working. Move out of your parent's home, do it naturally, not with a big fight and such, they're still your parents.
AND LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. Then you can decide if you want to be religious. Then, you can decide who you will date. Don't worry! Even ugly people have sex, and smart or wealthy but still ugly people can have sex with very attractive women! DO NOT get married just because "it's the only way for me to have sex and not make allah angry"!

I cannot stress this point enough, LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, not what a book tells you. Your faith might be the strongest in the world, imagine yourself in ten years... What will you say? "Wow, I was such an idiot", or "Good thing I foresaw those problems and avoided them!"


(Of course, if your parents find you a beautiful, smart, rich girl... )