I decided to write a poem to give to her on Christmas day. Along with a story. Here is the poem I wrote. I need genuine feed back, not some bullshit telling me what I believe is wrong. I also need serious comments, and not the shit you see in the EOF (as well as the other part of the forums but oh well). So here goes nothing, because at the slightest bullshit I will lock this, and the people who actually want to provide genuine feedback may do so through PM.
Your beauty so burning
Dulls the stars shining in the night
He hath understood my quandary
He hath delivered me with his right
As the sun fades to sliver
I see you in the light so brilliant and bright
This night his right was born to deliver
To save you from your plight
As you can see these are two different things
One saved me and the other saved us
I may add to it, but I feel like it is great as it is.
Your beauty so burning
Dulls the stars shining in the night
He hath understood my quandary
He hath delivered me with his right
As the sun fades to sliver
I see you in the light so brilliant and bright
This night his right was born to deliver
To save you from your plight
As you can see these are two different things
One saved me and the other saved us
I may add to it, but I feel like it is great as it is.