Hello!
its been a while since i posted a blog, i think 3 years?
its been so long that the way to post it changed and i got lost, i have no idea if im doing it correctly now lmao
anyway what i wanted to talk about is grief, on march of 2024 my grandma from my father's side of the family passed away, ofc i felt sad when we got the news on a friday night, it was kind of expected for me, ive been talking about this possibility for over a year, and with the way she was being treated by my shitty grandpa, it was going to happen sooner or later, on the next day we went to the funeral, i was sad but not as sad as i expected, i saw uncles and aunts cying, my father crying, my cousin was in the corner, i approached him and we quickly started cracking up jokes and laughing loudly, the more our other cousins arrived the more we were laughing, i was a bit sad but reliefed that she finally rested, on that day i was also very nostalgic, thinking about everything i lived with her, all the times i spend days or weeks at her house, i was remembering everything
now for the part i wanted to actually talk about, i know we shouldn't compare people with animals, but this last friday on october 31st i lost my dog, a small white poodle, she was the only pet i ever had and it destroyed me, she lived with us for nearly 6 years, i felt a simillar thing compared to my grandma's death but it was a lot stronger and a lot more painful, this dog was the center of attention, everything me and my mom did was for her, if we did anything we would take her with us, we treated her so well all these years, she ate the best food, we took her for walks and small trips, we took her to visit beaches on a few islands going out in the sea, and she loved going out for anything, whenever we took her leash she would go into a super happy state and wherever we went with her, she was happy, last week she started coughing at night, at first i thought it was just something simple, maybe she choked again eating food, but on the next day it got worse and she couldn't stop coughing, we took her to a vet and they said she had a heart disease, if i remember correctly it was heart murmur, where one of the valves of her heart was slightly loose, and i heard it too, the issue is that they said they werent cardiologists, and that we need to wait 15 days to even do basic exams, and even tho they werent cardiologists, they gave me heart meds to give her everyday
on the next day she started coughing blood which got worse and worse, again we went to the vet and they said her lungs were fine just by hearing it and that her heart was the issue and increased the amount of meds, more blood started pouring out of her mouth but they refused to do basic exams saying they needed to sedate her to take her blood, on the next day we went to another clinic and they instantly did all the exams, blood, electric cardiogram, blood pressure, and they said her heart was big, and she had infected lungs, she had a very advanced pneumonia and a possible lung cancer and told us that the best choice for her was to be hospitalized for at least 24 hours to revert the situation of the pneumonia, and then do more exams, we got home, and we already had a feeling that it was her time, but we were still trying to be happy, me and my mom went to buy groceries and stuff to give her when she came back, but 2 hours later my mom recieved a message from the clinic just asking her to come, we already knew what it was, but when we got there we really started crying, i honestly don't remember the last time i cried so much, i never felt a pain like that, i would rather be beat up by a bully than feeling what i felt that day, to be honest we were already crying a bit on the past few days because of how bad our dog was and we were already expecting her death, but we still had hope, when she started coughing, her body became very weak and it reminded me of a bird and a chicken we took care once, and they both got very weak before dying, the moment i realized how weak my dog was, i cried so much because it reminded me exactly of how the birds were before dying, she went from a very active and energetic dog to being quiet and weak
even before her death i was already feeling nostalgic and remembering everything since the day she came to us, every single little thing, when we arrived at the clinic the doctor hugged my mom and we cried so much, the doctor said she was stressed so they put her on her lap still conected to the oxygen and stuff, her state had stabalized, she fell asleep and passed, they took us to a room where they arranged her body on the table with a very warm light and purple flowers all over her, it hurted so much to touch her and see no reaction at all, the first thing my mom noticed was the purple flowers, our dog had a thing with the purple color because sometimes my mom would bath her with a specific purple die thing, making her fur look all purple, and at that morning before we left her, my mom took some photos of purple flowers she found outside, the doctors put her little body inside of a box and we took it to a small yard like land that my brother owns, we usually go there every weekend to take care of stuff that they plant there, there are fruits and vegetables, they have a small barbcue area where we eat sometimes, and my dog loved following my mom in the tall grass or just explore it by herself, my mom said she looked like a bunny because we could see her hopping between the tall grass and plants and you could see her ears flopping around, we took the box there and burried it in that area, the entire day was extremely cloudy and dark, it was raining all the time, my brother was digging the hole while me and my mom watched all under the rain, my mom grabbed the box and put it in there with the help of my brother, as he was covering the box with dirt, my mom had a really sad expression that i've never seen on her face, she was shaking so much, that dog was extremely attached to my mom, she was fascinated with my mom for no reason and followed her around all the time, if she couldn't follow my mom she would start crying and crying to get her back
its going to sound very corny, but there was another funny timing or coincidence aside of the purple color thing, but the moment my brother finished burrying the box, a small spot opened between the clouds and for one moment we had sunlight coming through brighting up everything, i said goodbye, we left and when we got near my brother's car, the spot in the sky closed and everything got dark and rainy again, when we got home, i started crying even more, i kept saying i couldn't believe that it actually happened, its the end, her story ended that day, a few years ago my mom said that she was getting old already and she would die one day, which made me remember how animals don't live for long, and make me think, i will play with her and enjoy her as much as i can, and i did! i mean we did, we did SO MUCH fun stuff with this dog that when she died, i didn't felt regret for anything we didn't do with her, in fact it felt like her life was fulfilled, we did everything we could do with her, we gave her good food, care, a bed, so much that i can't think of anything we didn't do for her, ofc there were many things we still wanted to do with her, but nothing that we havent done before, i just wished she could have lived longer, i always expected her to live for at least 4 or 5 more years, she was around 9 and a half years old, but it happened, we didn't see the signs, she didn't show any symptoms until it was too late
dealing with greaf is weird, it hurts, on the next day i woke up crying, i made coffee and walked around the house for 3 hours thinking of every little place she would be doing something, looking at her toys, her food and water bowls, i still cry from time to time but its happening less, idk if im pushing things too fast or not, but im not preventing myself from thinking about her, in fact i've been thinking about her entire life here and how fantastic it was, she lived a great life, im also thinking about all that happened the past week, and the image of her little body on the table not moving, that hurts so much to remember but i can think of it and feel less sad, not that im not sad but it feels different, i miss her, the day she died felt so bittersweet, in a way of, i knew this would happen one day, but i wasn't prepered, at to be honest i would never be prepared for it, it just happened really fast, on the first 2 days it felt unbelievable, i couldn't believe that it happend, that i'll never see her again, i wanted it to be a bad dream, sometimes i would have nightmares and wake up thinking "I cant believe this happened" then i would realize it was a dream, on that night i woke up thinking it was a dream, and i realized it wasn't, that day felt like the ending of a story for me, now im slowly feeling different and not as hurt, but missing her and trying to get back to my normal life without her and slowly accepting it, you know when you watch a movie or play a game that you really like and when it ends you're sad because you wont see that world or the characters anymore and you wanted more, thats how i felt but it was a lot stronger, that dog gave us so much happiness and im sure we gave her too
its been a while since i posted a blog, i think 3 years?
its been so long that the way to post it changed and i got lost, i have no idea if im doing it correctly now lmao
anyway what i wanted to talk about is grief, on march of 2024 my grandma from my father's side of the family passed away, ofc i felt sad when we got the news on a friday night, it was kind of expected for me, ive been talking about this possibility for over a year, and with the way she was being treated by my shitty grandpa, it was going to happen sooner or later, on the next day we went to the funeral, i was sad but not as sad as i expected, i saw uncles and aunts cying, my father crying, my cousin was in the corner, i approached him and we quickly started cracking up jokes and laughing loudly, the more our other cousins arrived the more we were laughing, i was a bit sad but reliefed that she finally rested, on that day i was also very nostalgic, thinking about everything i lived with her, all the times i spend days or weeks at her house, i was remembering everything
now for the part i wanted to actually talk about, i know we shouldn't compare people with animals, but this last friday on october 31st i lost my dog, a small white poodle, she was the only pet i ever had and it destroyed me, she lived with us for nearly 6 years, i felt a simillar thing compared to my grandma's death but it was a lot stronger and a lot more painful, this dog was the center of attention, everything me and my mom did was for her, if we did anything we would take her with us, we treated her so well all these years, she ate the best food, we took her for walks and small trips, we took her to visit beaches on a few islands going out in the sea, and she loved going out for anything, whenever we took her leash she would go into a super happy state and wherever we went with her, she was happy, last week she started coughing at night, at first i thought it was just something simple, maybe she choked again eating food, but on the next day it got worse and she couldn't stop coughing, we took her to a vet and they said she had a heart disease, if i remember correctly it was heart murmur, where one of the valves of her heart was slightly loose, and i heard it too, the issue is that they said they werent cardiologists, and that we need to wait 15 days to even do basic exams, and even tho they werent cardiologists, they gave me heart meds to give her everyday
on the next day she started coughing blood which got worse and worse, again we went to the vet and they said her lungs were fine just by hearing it and that her heart was the issue and increased the amount of meds, more blood started pouring out of her mouth but they refused to do basic exams saying they needed to sedate her to take her blood, on the next day we went to another clinic and they instantly did all the exams, blood, electric cardiogram, blood pressure, and they said her heart was big, and she had infected lungs, she had a very advanced pneumonia and a possible lung cancer and told us that the best choice for her was to be hospitalized for at least 24 hours to revert the situation of the pneumonia, and then do more exams, we got home, and we already had a feeling that it was her time, but we were still trying to be happy, me and my mom went to buy groceries and stuff to give her when she came back, but 2 hours later my mom recieved a message from the clinic just asking her to come, we already knew what it was, but when we got there we really started crying, i honestly don't remember the last time i cried so much, i never felt a pain like that, i would rather be beat up by a bully than feeling what i felt that day, to be honest we were already crying a bit on the past few days because of how bad our dog was and we were already expecting her death, but we still had hope, when she started coughing, her body became very weak and it reminded me of a bird and a chicken we took care once, and they both got very weak before dying, the moment i realized how weak my dog was, i cried so much because it reminded me exactly of how the birds were before dying, she went from a very active and energetic dog to being quiet and weak
even before her death i was already feeling nostalgic and remembering everything since the day she came to us, every single little thing, when we arrived at the clinic the doctor hugged my mom and we cried so much, the doctor said she was stressed so they put her on her lap still conected to the oxygen and stuff, her state had stabalized, she fell asleep and passed, they took us to a room where they arranged her body on the table with a very warm light and purple flowers all over her, it hurted so much to touch her and see no reaction at all, the first thing my mom noticed was the purple flowers, our dog had a thing with the purple color because sometimes my mom would bath her with a specific purple die thing, making her fur look all purple, and at that morning before we left her, my mom took some photos of purple flowers she found outside, the doctors put her little body inside of a box and we took it to a small yard like land that my brother owns, we usually go there every weekend to take care of stuff that they plant there, there are fruits and vegetables, they have a small barbcue area where we eat sometimes, and my dog loved following my mom in the tall grass or just explore it by herself, my mom said she looked like a bunny because we could see her hopping between the tall grass and plants and you could see her ears flopping around, we took the box there and burried it in that area, the entire day was extremely cloudy and dark, it was raining all the time, my brother was digging the hole while me and my mom watched all under the rain, my mom grabbed the box and put it in there with the help of my brother, as he was covering the box with dirt, my mom had a really sad expression that i've never seen on her face, she was shaking so much, that dog was extremely attached to my mom, she was fascinated with my mom for no reason and followed her around all the time, if she couldn't follow my mom she would start crying and crying to get her back
its going to sound very corny, but there was another funny timing or coincidence aside of the purple color thing, but the moment my brother finished burrying the box, a small spot opened between the clouds and for one moment we had sunlight coming through brighting up everything, i said goodbye, we left and when we got near my brother's car, the spot in the sky closed and everything got dark and rainy again, when we got home, i started crying even more, i kept saying i couldn't believe that it actually happened, its the end, her story ended that day, a few years ago my mom said that she was getting old already and she would die one day, which made me remember how animals don't live for long, and make me think, i will play with her and enjoy her as much as i can, and i did! i mean we did, we did SO MUCH fun stuff with this dog that when she died, i didn't felt regret for anything we didn't do with her, in fact it felt like her life was fulfilled, we did everything we could do with her, we gave her good food, care, a bed, so much that i can't think of anything we didn't do for her, ofc there were many things we still wanted to do with her, but nothing that we havent done before, i just wished she could have lived longer, i always expected her to live for at least 4 or 5 more years, she was around 9 and a half years old, but it happened, we didn't see the signs, she didn't show any symptoms until it was too late
dealing with greaf is weird, it hurts, on the next day i woke up crying, i made coffee and walked around the house for 3 hours thinking of every little place she would be doing something, looking at her toys, her food and water bowls, i still cry from time to time but its happening less, idk if im pushing things too fast or not, but im not preventing myself from thinking about her, in fact i've been thinking about her entire life here and how fantastic it was, she lived a great life, im also thinking about all that happened the past week, and the image of her little body on the table not moving, that hurts so much to remember but i can think of it and feel less sad, not that im not sad but it feels different, i miss her, the day she died felt so bittersweet, in a way of, i knew this would happen one day, but i wasn't prepered, at to be honest i would never be prepared for it, it just happened really fast, on the first 2 days it felt unbelievable, i couldn't believe that it happend, that i'll never see her again, i wanted it to be a bad dream, sometimes i would have nightmares and wake up thinking "I cant believe this happened" then i would realize it was a dream, on that night i woke up thinking it was a dream, and i realized it wasn't, that day felt like the ending of a story for me, now im slowly feeling different and not as hurt, but missing her and trying to get back to my normal life without her and slowly accepting it, you know when you watch a movie or play a game that you really like and when it ends you're sad because you wont see that world or the characters anymore and you wanted more, thats how i felt but it was a lot stronger, that dog gave us so much happiness and im sure we gave her too
