The Kill Them with Kindness Cult (FRUC)

[Vulpes Abnocto]

Cult Primer

Welcome, all ye Smurfen.

I am Pope Vulpes I,
and I bid you all the warmest welcome
to the fold of the FRUC.

We were once poor, mindless Smurfens like yourselves
but in repenting for our evil ways, we have taken on a higher state of being;
an enlightened and more pure bodily form.
We have become
flying rodents with udders.
But we, much like you decadent and perverse anime aficionados, still retain some sense of decency.
We refuse to expose our bulbous and nectar-filled udders.

We are the fabled and foretold Kill Them With Kindness cult.
Our grand mission, as defined by the holy Flying Spaghetti Monster
*bows his head and chants RAMEN*
is to put an end to embrace the evil that is the e'er so common Smurfens,
and the more rare, but far more disturbing Kirthulhunites.
(And we're not one of those really wacko Vegetarian Pastafarian cults.)
We want to take you, dear fellow, and give you nutritious snacks, as we show you the way to our enlightened state.
Please, come with us, and we will show you to the promised land
of a flameless forum, and udders that ooze ambrosia.



no offense is intended to vegetarians and/or pastafarians in this posting

 

[budrow66]

The Kirthulhunites do not name themselfs for we are strong as one . We do not ponder the wretch of a life you must lead. Challange us and be sent back to your tomato paste god......LOL

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

Fie on you Kirthulhu!
Fie say I!
You are unclean and unwelcome in this holy place!

Your Sleepers will not have the chance to awaken! We FRUCers shall embrace each and every one of them before you can call forth your horde.

 

[Holaitsme]

Budrow you fiend!
Still does though not wish to lay and repent we will threaten and use force. you truly are possessed with Lord jeremy Kirthulhunites himself!

 

[budrow66]

Holy is a matter of how old your underware is... That said I will call all outcast noobs to aid me in the drowning of this thread.. Anyone who has been flamed for a stoopid or ignorant post. Fill this thread with your anger..... (Ya like this will work )

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

Deacon Hola, stand ye back!
Before you stands the Great and Terrible Kirthulhu!
The reaver of minds and cleaver of the soul!
If he were yet able to call forth his hordes, woe betide you and all the 'Temp!
Respect the enemy, but do not approach the Unclean.
You are not ready.

 

[budrow66]

We wish no ill will. Just let us carry on under the the shroud of shadow that we dwell in out of fear of being flamed and keep that noodley thing away from me.....LOL

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

No, Kirthulhu, you are an abomination on this planet and you seek the subversion of innocent minds to bend to your evil will.
We cannot...we MUST not allow your presence here further.

Deacon Hola! Take the sacred keys and open the Blessed Armory! The Holy Handgrenade resides within those walls! Bring it hither!

*he presses the palms of his paws together and chants a prayer to the infinite Noodly One for luck and strength. His udders tighten to a hardness that could cut glass.*

 

[budrow66]

So be it udder rat. I shall see thee again, and I hold thy deception to my heart.

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

Thine heart? Thine heart is a blackened abyss from which no feeling can emerge!
your tentacle-wrapped threats will not sway our faithful brethren !
Go and soak your head in brine, before I send you back there myself!

 

[Man18]

mines better. paint ftw lol

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

mines better. paint ftw lol

I sense the presence of a rogue FRUC in our midst.
Come forth, o wanderer, and tell us of the worlds beyond!
Prophecy the forthcoming war amid the 'Temp!
We beseech thee!

 

[budrow66]

Did you not yourself indulge in the rapture of the tentacle brother? Was all that a hoax to gather followers to your saucey cause? To intice them with tales of a aniesmurfpornophiliac frenzy only to be shut down by pathetic law enforcement...... How the mighty have fallen. Tentacle or Noodle brother what shall it be?

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

Did you not yourself indulge in the rapture of the tentacle brother? Was all that a hoax to gather followers to your saucey cause? To intice them with tales of a aniped0pornophiliac frenzy only to be shut down by pathetic law enforcement...... How the mighty have fallen. Tentacle or Noodle brother what shall it be?

*winces and turns away*
I have made no secret of my history as the Pirate King of that group,
but here in my chapel I now pay my daily penance, by taking the n00bs by the hand and guiding them gently into the light.
The Noodly One understands the sins of my past, and has accepted me into the fold.
I have a place set for me on the everlasting plate.
This much is evinced by my holy and enlightened flying rodent form.

Hey! Stop looking at my udders! *covers them shamefully*

Pervert.

 

[Holaitsme]

Do though wish to confuse deacon hola?
*hides in fear

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

Do though wish to confuse deacon hola?
*hides in fear

(out of character)
Dood, you think I'm not confused?
I just play it by ear.

(back in character)
Brother Hola, glad you could make it!
Have you yet recovered from your face-to-tentacle encounter with Kirthulhu?
Had it been any other enemy you were forced to encounter I might reprimand you
for your decided lack of assistance in bringing forth the Holy Handgrenade.
But of course, we FRUCers are of the Forgive and Forget mindset....

....Most times. ¬.¬

 

[Holaitsme]

I live now by a scar covering my flesh covered spinal cord.
Kirthulhu of which though has given me thoughts on cutting the strand of pasta which keeps me alive.
The encounter has not only physically changed me but has mentally harassed the fluids which one must hold for the sake to keep sane.

The holy handgrenade was deemed impossible to lift with only the arms of a wee lad and is going around as fast as newton allows it. Brother vulpes the grenade must live even if it causes lead poisoning at one touch.

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

*anoints Holaitsme with healing nectar from his holy udders*

Just rest now, Brother Hola.
But remember that when you have the chance to take down the mighty Kirthulhu, you must risk the possibility of heavy metal poisoning. We may have lost the one and only opportunity to take him down before his Sleepers begin to awaken, and wreak havoc upon our beloved forum.

I can only pray that the dark one has not gained new followers after this fateful encounter.

 

[Holaitsme]

AAGGGHH! My memories are being erased.
*faints
What happened? I suddenly want revenge on Kirthulhu.
Brother Vulpes did you use the holy udders on me? does that mean I was pastasidal?
I thank you as all the painful memories have been erased. I pray for Kirthulhu to not have awaken his sleepers yet.