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shyam513

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Hey guys, sorry for the long Hiatus. A-levels start tomorrow, so I've been busy, Decided to write a quick poem to keep myself busy, so here it is:

Whenever my soul is restless and wild,
As confused and distant as that of a child,
There is a place, of which I am part,
That holds the power to quell my heart.
But why has this place a power untold?
To calm your fire, to loosen the world’s hold?
And how is it such that when you feel fear,
Your mind retreats to this land you hold dear?
Well, several years ago, my childish mind,
Sought out peace, and tried to find,
Amidst a ceremony of utmost grace,
A peaceful and heart-warming musing space.
And whereupon I stood and searched,
A silent starling, upon a branch perched,
Chose to look, and saw my strain,
And drew my gaze with her haunting refrain.
My mind was drawn; I looked to her eyes,
And saw within a mind fair and wise.
One that had seen the years of the past,
And remembered every one to the least and last.
So when the starling rose, borne by her wings,
Her thoughts were perhaps on different things,
But as I followed, and watched as she flew,
She chose to share with me that which she knew.
She led me to a place where my heart stood still,
A garden where nature yet had its fill.
For across the fields of grass and clover,
Ran a river, its path flowing over,
Slender steps of slate, and upon its shore,
Lies my willow tree, both sturdy and sure.
And almost as though it had been made for me,
Was a smooth hollow, in the shade of Mahogany,
As if it had been used by others, in the ages past,
Who had sat in the magic that this nature had cast.
For when I sat against that Willow’s heart,
My mind and soul both far apart,
And both felt distant, as though rent from time,
Lost in the beauty of the river in its prime.
For as the minutes passed, and turned to hours,
So my story begun, in this hollow of ours,
A place where only friends have ever gone,
Friends held together by naught but a song.
And though I expected, that after a while,
This sight would become but a mere facsimile,
The more I searched, the more I saw,
Of the birds and beasts of talon and claw.
For amongst the pine trees to the west,
There lay upon a Thrush’s nest,
And far further, in the trees of the east,
A family of squirrels gathered about their feast.
And, when I looked far north, to the skies I knew,
There Kites and Eagles dived and flew,
And as the day faded into dusk,
Amidst the soft-scented heather’s musk,
I sat and though, with no logic in part,
How it was my Starling’s heart,
Would tell her where my worries lay,
And tempt her to show me beauty this way.
And as the dusk passed into a deep white moon,
I left my hollow, and vowed to return soon.
And so, whereupon my heart feels rage,
Or perhaps my story merely needs a new page,
My heart is drawn to the grassy loam,
Upon which, I found another home.
For although alone, bereft of human voice,
The Starling’s field is my rest of choice.
For the river is my soul, as it flows evermore,
While the willow is my heart, both sturdy and sure.
Although I know not how the field came to be,
And who next will find solace within, after me
The spirits of my friends that dwell there in peace,
Are with me in all, and that does not cease.
 

Shinigami357

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Hey, guys...

Haven't been active lately [don't ask; it's football]. Also, I've been rather busy. By busy, I mean, typing out 28k words in the last dozen days. My mental block decided it has long since overstayed its welcome and decided to leave me alone. I've rediscovered my writing [yes, that sounded melodramatic, but whatevs], and no doubt I will again and again.

Anyway, I have a small suggestion. Maybe we should write an essay [damn, that word takes me back to school] sometime. No rules [except the forum rules and the guild rules], just free expression. Plus, it allows us to see how each of us thinks and how we relate that by our writing style. Also, it's the most natural way of using a forum [just find a topic and write] so there's no pressure.

Anyway... Shinigami out.
 

Sterling

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Hey, guys...

Haven't been active lately [don't ask; it's football]. Also, I've been rather busy. By busy, I mean, typing out 28k words in the last dozen days. My mental block decided it has long since overstayed its welcome and decided to leave me alone. I've rediscovered my writing [yes, that sounded melodramatic, but whatevs], and no doubt I will again and again.

Anyway, I have a small suggestion. Maybe we should write an essay [damn, that word takes me back to school] sometime. No rules [except the forum rules and the guild rules], just free expression. Plus, it allows us to see how each of us thinks and how we relate that by our writing style. Also, it's the most natural way of using a forum [just find a topic and write] so there's no pressure.

Anyway... Shinigami out.
Great idea!
 

Shinigami357

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Holy shit, I'm so fucking giddy. Bear with me [and the profanity] while I gush... erm, let my happiness pour forth... :creep:

Anyway...

I've gone and written a story over 50k words! Wooot! Damn, just reading that makes me want to smile. I feel like I'm ten or something.

Anyway, yeah... This took me completely by surprise. Quite literally I started May with a really bogged-down story that was all of one and a half chapters [and the short prologue] and June came and I have... well, technically a novel. It's not yet finished, though. But it will be soon. Kind of like my early birthday gift to myself.

Ok... I need to calm down :ninja:


All my postcripts are spoiler'd coz they are longer than the actual post... lulz

PS

If this works out the way I think it will, the next 4 chapters should be called:
Fairy Tales of War
The Fourth Brother
Touchdown
All Fall Down[prob the ending]

Just to give you guys an idea how insane and out of nowhere this thing grasped me. I mean, even to me, the chapter titles make little to no sense[out of context, that is]. I'm just going along for the ride. And yes, I'm planning a sequel.

PPS

Well, gotta do my customary 2 backups [can never be too careful] and get some sleep. Darn, this is fun, but it is draining. Urgh. Not gonna complain, though.

PPPS [damn... post-post-post-script???]

Ok... Really, enough about me. How are you all? Missed hearing from you guys.


Shinigami out.
 
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Shinigami357

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My attention span can't handle sitting down and writing for more than an hour.

Whoops, misclick. I got the 'like' button rather than quote. Sorry. [insert tactical facepalm here]

Anyway, yeah, I live in a very uninteresting, humdrum daily cycle.

Trust me, at 2 am [nocturnal-ism FTW!!!] with my playlist as my only companion, it's like the hours just slide past.


PS
This whole 'american football' angle sucks since i don't like the sport per se [thank god for eyeshield 21, or I'd prob ditch this part of the story].
 

Sterling

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My attention span can't handle sitting down and writing for more than an hour.

Whoops, misclick. I got the 'like' button rather than quote. Sorry. [insert tactical facepalm here]

Anyway, yeah, I live in a very uninteresting, humdrum daily cycle.

Trust me, at 2 am [nocturnal-ism FTW!!!] with my playlist as my only companion, it's like the hours just slide past.


PS
This whole 'american football' angle sucks since i don't like the sport per se [thank god for eyeshield 21, or I'd prob ditch this part of the story].
I frequently stay up for days on end. I get into the mood to write and an hour later I'm doing something else entirely. Whether that be video games, or watching an anime series over again (I don't have internet at my apartment), or fapping. It doesn't matter how much of a mood I'm in to write, something else captures my attention, but I'd like nothing more to write an incredible fantasy novel to be loved by many. If only my squirrelism could cure itself.
 

Shinigami357

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When you find the right trigger, you'll get into a zen-like state while writing.

For me it was my characters. Well, this one particular story's characters, that is. At the risk of sounding like Dr. Frankenstein... I just want to see it [well, them] aliiiiiiive!!! For everyone else it could be their setting, the plot, the idea/symbolism, or maybe just one scene stuck in their minds that unravels into a story. Heck, it could just be the ambition to become a multimillion-dollar writer, hahahahaha!!!

At least that's how it worked for me. You'll get there too. I'd love to read that fantasy novel.

PS
I just spent thirty minutes determining if a cornerback can legally swat away a forward pass as it heads for the wide receiver [technically, yes]. Urgh, God help me.
 
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astrangeone

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Hey guys and gals. I haven't been writing because I've been temping for my mother's job - stupid accounting work. Anyhow, I will be back with an actual story and some more writing after this week!
 

Shinigami357

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Hey guys and gals. I haven't been writing because I've been temping for my mother's job - stupid accounting work. Anyhow, I will be back with an actual story and some more writing after this week!

Numbers? Urgh. IMHO Words>>>Numbers, any given day.

We hope to see you amongst our ranks, working amongst words [there's a reason writers write... right?] again soon.

---

Anyway, I'm up to my ears in making draft 2 [draft 1 complete, yea!!!]. It's a complete rewrite, and I hate it. Then again, my first draft ended up as you would expect a story that was written in the space of a month to end up: not very polished.
 

Sterling

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I've so much inspiration, but I also posess zero direction. With so little form, my writing has suffered. Meh, here's a poem that's apt I think.

On a lightless night
I sit and write
Kicking back in my chair

On this night I sit in the dark
My thoughts sit without form
Now and again I leave them there

I come back when its light
There they sit shapeless and void
gyrating with the fury of a thousand suns

This needs to stop
My writer's block
Will otherwise keep my ideas inside
 

ars25

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this is an exert from a story i'm writing

Chaprter 1 Prologue

My name is Ray most of my life i have lived was normal untill the fated day. it all started like normal i woke up ate breakfast got ready for school,but that's when it all went down hill. i noticed something diffrent there was a new kid at school. in a twisted chain of events she would turn out to be some thing usefull and my best friend."hi ray." what do you want and how do you know my name."i asked." well stop bothering me and leave me alone."oh well since i know your name i might as well tell you my name it's Angelica but people call me Angel for short." didn't i tell you to leave me alone."but....."SHUT UP didn't i said to leave me alone."but i can't leave you alone not yet not until you regain your former self". little did i know but that was the start of some thing that would last forever.
can you tell me what to improve on
 

Sterling

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@Ars

For starters, a good grammar and spell checker. It was hard to read. Second I can't exactly follow what's going on. I don't really even know what your excerpt is about. I apologize if this seems a bit harsh, but you really need to improve your grasp of the English language, story flow and structure.
 

Shinigami357

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this is an exert from a story i'm writing

Chaprter 1 Prologue

My name is Ray most of my life i have lived was normal untill the fated day. it all started like normal i woke up ate breakfast got ready for school,but that's when it all went down hill. i noticed something diffrent there was a new kid at school. in a twisted chain of events she would turn out to be some thing usefull and my best friend."hi ray." what do you want and how do you know my name."i asked." well stop bothering me and leave me alone."oh well since i know your name i might as well tell you my name it's Angelica but people call me Angel for short." didn't i tell you to leave me alone."but....."SHUT UP didn't i said to leave me alone."but i can't leave you alone not yet not until you regain your former self". little did i know but that was the start of some thing that would last forever.
can you tell me what to improve on

Cool. How long have you been on this story? Alternately, how far into it are you? I understand some people write faster, so story length might be a batter indicator than time spent.

Ok, from your profile, you're rather young. That's good.

I'll try to gather as much from the excerpt, though it is rather short. I'm sure our other members can get more out of it, seeing as I have a seeming allergy to short stories/excerpts. Anyway, here I go...

First, you seem to be having trouble molding your sentences. You have to give your narration pause sometimes. In particular, you need a bit more punctuations. I'm particular to dashes and semi-colons, but all you really need is a few commas here and there. Nothing major.

Second, you need to give your dialogue clarity. Not the words the characters are saying, but just the dialogue as a whole. Some quotation marks,as well as a system of identifying who is saying who, and that's about it.

Don't worry about spacing and having to almost sound redundant with the 'he said' 'she said' things. Later on in the story, when your characters - and the way they speak - are more established, you can get away without the 'he said' 'she said' identifiers, but never shy away from them.

It's just a few adjustments. A little spacing, some way of knowing who is saying what, and quotation marks. You can inject some action, or indeed a description of your characters given they're both just been introduced, even. It'll become second-nature to you.

Third. Well, I agree with Sterling some. I do believe you need to do a once-over, but don't beat yourself up over it. Technically speaking, prose can get away from some of the hard-and-fast rules of grammar. Of course, that's usually due to style and the writer's preferences.

The grammar and spelling will come. Just watch out for it, and yeah, just do a once-over. Everyone has to edit, anyway.

---

That's it for me, really. Just three things. I won't even try to figure out the story, since the excerpt was rather short. It's a fairly straightforward beginning - boy meets girl, and said girl and meeting are foreshadowed to have greater implications later on - so it works for me. No drama [that sucks] and there's a hook in it to make you keep going.

One more thing before I get into my other rantings... :ninja:

Alternately: a specific detail that may or may not be counted as advice.

- I noticed you used "'the' fated day". Now, I'm not one for fate or destiny, but when a story does delve into it, it usually does it more than once. So, if you wish to highlight a certain fated [or to use the more prevalent term 'fateful'] day, you should probably use 'that'.
 

Shinigami357

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I did say something about ranting, but above post got a wee bit long. So, sorry for the double post.

So I'm five chapters into my rewrite of the 'novel' I wrote in May. It's going slow, but it's going well, so no complaints there.

Thing is, I've had to change it quite a bit. I'm sure the second draft is better than the first, though. Like I said before, I wanted my characters 'alive', and this rewrite allows me to define them better, so that's well and good.

My major problem is the opposite of the first draft. Back then I had a tendency to be too verbose. Now, I feel like the narration is clipped. It's better and it fits the story, but I have yet to decide if it works in the long run.

Other than that, there's only a few dialogue problems and some bits to smooth out. Only one major plot point I'm reconsidering, so it's not trouble. Wish me luck.

Also, I've had to do some thinking about that WIP that I started for NaNoWriMo [and failed to finish, lulz]. It's the only other WIP I've put back in the PC other than the one I'm rewriting after the PC was reformatted. Before, I specified that it wasn't a 'love story' [seeing as I suck at those]. Now I'm considering if I can write it as a 'dark' love story [big surprise coming out of me, huh?], though that's partially because I'm sick to death of all the sickeningly-sweet ones I've read or seen. Urk.

Should I do it? As it is, I'm loathe to let anyone read that one because it is dark [the excerpt I posted here was rather tame, though quite suggestive]. The whole 'love story' angle just makes it seem so overkill.

Yes, I'm more afraid of writing a 'love story' than a dark one. Go figure. :ninja:

---

Anyway, enough about that. How are you all?
 

astrangeone

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I also noticed that I can't seem to write a "good" love story without adding dark components. Maybe it's just me being a cynical b***h, but I don't seem to be that romantically inclined.

I have a story that I'm working on now. It's more of a fantasy/love story/detective story.

Basically, a detective who's a touch physic (sp>) (she gets emotions/feelings from touching objects or humans) is trying to solve a case in which the victim is put into a crazy state. She falls in love with the victim, and I can't seem to write her romantic parts without her seeming crazy and out of character. I've been working on this since high school - terrible! (Maybe 7 years ago since I started writing this. It's on my second draft now...but seriously annoying.)
 

Sterling

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I've still got many ideas floating in the pea soup surrounding the inside and outside of my brain. However, I don't have the time or patience to wdite these days. Maybe I should script and film porn... That would be a riot.
 

Shinigami357

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I also noticed that I can't seem to write a "good" love story without adding dark components. Maybe it's just me being a cynical b***h, but I don't seem to be that romantically inclined.

I have a story that I'm working on now. It's more of a fantasy/love story/detective story.

Basically, a detective who's a touch physic (sp>) (she gets emotions/feelings from touching objects or humans) is trying to solve a case in which the victim is put into a crazy state. She falls in love with the victim, and I can't seem to write her romantic parts without her seeming crazy and out of character. I've been working on this since high school - terrible! (Maybe 7 years ago since I started writing this. It's on my second draft now...but seriously annoying.)

I know what you mean. Maybe we just adhere to the idea that 'love' isn't supposed to be romantic all the time; thus, 'love story' needs not be, uh... typical. LOL

My characters are anti-social ['psychopath' seems a tad too harsh]. The kind who, if they met in a different setting or under different circumstances, would probably be trying to get rid of each other.

I guess that's what got me thinking about turning it into a 'love story'. I mean, 'burned the house down to be together' sounds better than 'burned the house down because he finally had enough'. Technically, I can't write the romantic parts normally because I made my characters that way.

PS

I'm stocking up on 'doomed/really effed up love stories' by re-reading a book. [Why'd you let Susan burn, why???]

PPS

[member=Sterling] - Porn has a script? Really? :ninja:
 
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