With the previous blog. I admire the people here, able to express themselves freely. Something I've been lacking for many years.
What made me today was false friends, people I'd thought I could count on, people who I'd trust and my trust is what school, movies, anime, and all that jazz tell you what it suppose to be. I guess I haven't met the right kind of people who share that same amount of meaning in trust as I do.
I had this friend, he was like a brother...we were blood brothers. For a good approximate of nine years. So young and so foolish.
He was like my little brother I never had. I made sure he'd stay out of trouble as I promised his father. I could never keep him out of trouble as he went looking for it. He attracted it. So the best I ever could were to tell white lies...if not a terrible lie to keep his parents happy. Many people who used to care about me told me I should abandon this friend. I was blind and said no. They had a very good reason. They saw through his lies where I continued to blindly believe him.
What lie was this? His motive in life. He was a very important person in the underground society of gangs. His street knowledge was unbelieveable.
What happened between us? It took nine years to figure it out. Indeed you would laugh at how slow I was figuring this out. I am indeed a very intense person in the flesh. I naturally make people feel uncomfortable. Not my intention though. My friend at the time, would make use of this. And at the end of these nine years of brotherhood, the girl I was dating at the time had asked me, "Why do you act like that around him? Why do you act like his muscle?"
I thought to myself. I never saw myself like that. I just like to intimidate people and watch them flee. I just like the feeling of making groupies disperse when I entered the scene. I guess I just never noticed what my friend was doing next time at the time.
Whoops I almost went on a tangent there...
I didn't want to be this person anymore. People eyes' spoke fear when I gazed at them. At the time I feared of being alone. I don't want to be alone. I started to avoid my friend. I only started to realised, he only stayed friends with me because he could use me to get to his way with people he didn't like. I thought I had a good friend. What a naive person I was...believing there was that "trust" I'd thought we had as blood brothers.
Weeks later he confronted me at the train station... I knew he wouldn't let go. I had to speak his language. The type of language that he understood too well.
He said,
"(name) why haven't you been picking up your phone? Man what's been happening? It's cool, I'm not mad... I just want to know what's been happening with you?"
Because I lacked management of my emotions that were just bombarding me. I was so angry, so pissed, yet sad and knew I had to bite the bullet and tell this old friend.
"You know when you said when you have a good thing happening, that other person suffers and something terrible happens in return...I'm sick of it."
I was so angry with my eye's watering.
"That dream you had of us... Us fighting each other to death... I guess this is where we walk our own paths."
He looked at me. He had sunglasses on. But I could see his reaction...that same look when you are in denial.
That's just a fragment of my life in the past. A memory that bothers me at times of loneliness.
I wonder if there are people who are willingly to hear my story of how I became alone.
I'll be happy to answer any questions that may pop up, to clarify what I meant...I just hope I give the proper meaning to it and not lose it in translation. I know how everyone perceives what their senses tell them differently
if someone reads it haha
What made me today was false friends, people I'd thought I could count on, people who I'd trust and my trust is what school, movies, anime, and all that jazz tell you what it suppose to be. I guess I haven't met the right kind of people who share that same amount of meaning in trust as I do.
I had this friend, he was like a brother...we were blood brothers. For a good approximate of nine years. So young and so foolish.
He was like my little brother I never had. I made sure he'd stay out of trouble as I promised his father. I could never keep him out of trouble as he went looking for it. He attracted it. So the best I ever could were to tell white lies...if not a terrible lie to keep his parents happy. Many people who used to care about me told me I should abandon this friend. I was blind and said no. They had a very good reason. They saw through his lies where I continued to blindly believe him.
What lie was this? His motive in life. He was a very important person in the underground society of gangs. His street knowledge was unbelieveable.
What happened between us? It took nine years to figure it out. Indeed you would laugh at how slow I was figuring this out. I am indeed a very intense person in the flesh. I naturally make people feel uncomfortable. Not my intention though. My friend at the time, would make use of this. And at the end of these nine years of brotherhood, the girl I was dating at the time had asked me, "Why do you act like that around him? Why do you act like his muscle?"
I thought to myself. I never saw myself like that. I just like to intimidate people and watch them flee. I just like the feeling of making groupies disperse when I entered the scene. I guess I just never noticed what my friend was doing next time at the time.
Whoops I almost went on a tangent there...
I didn't want to be this person anymore. People eyes' spoke fear when I gazed at them. At the time I feared of being alone. I don't want to be alone. I started to avoid my friend. I only started to realised, he only stayed friends with me because he could use me to get to his way with people he didn't like. I thought I had a good friend. What a naive person I was...believing there was that "trust" I'd thought we had as blood brothers.
Weeks later he confronted me at the train station... I knew he wouldn't let go. I had to speak his language. The type of language that he understood too well.
He said,
"(name) why haven't you been picking up your phone? Man what's been happening? It's cool, I'm not mad... I just want to know what's been happening with you?"
Because I lacked management of my emotions that were just bombarding me. I was so angry, so pissed, yet sad and knew I had to bite the bullet and tell this old friend.
"You know when you said when you have a good thing happening, that other person suffers and something terrible happens in return...I'm sick of it."
I was so angry with my eye's watering.
"That dream you had of us... Us fighting each other to death... I guess this is where we walk our own paths."
He looked at me. He had sunglasses on. But I could see his reaction...that same look when you are in denial.
That's just a fragment of my life in the past. A memory that bothers me at times of loneliness.
I wonder if there are people who are willingly to hear my story of how I became alone.
I'll be happy to answer any questions that may pop up, to clarify what I meant...I just hope I give the proper meaning to it and not lose it in translation. I know how everyone perceives what their senses tell them differently
if someone reads it haha
