I really don't want to die anymore.

So yeah, my immune system is super bad, like anime character standing the rain for 5 seconds and being hospitalized levels of bad. To put into perspective how bad my immune system is; I got the flu shot on October 22nd, 2019. I ended up getting the flu at the end of November and lasted well over a week and a half into December, this flu took over another week for the muscle, joint, and bone pain (especially in my legs,) to recover. About 3 weeks after that, I came down with what I could guess was a super nasty cold that made going about my life and my new job at Amazon quite horrible. That cold took 2 weeks to recover from and against a long period for the rest of my body to recover. Towards the end of February, I came down with the stomach flu that took nearly 2 weeks to recover from and before I even finished recovering, I came down with another flu a week into my new job. Now I am currently recovering from that flu, which has once again left the bones in my legs and arms feeling like I just walked from my hometown in North East to my current town in the Midwest. And I mean the actual bones in my body are what's hurting, the pain is so deep that it's just unpleasant, to say the least. Another example is the fact that I have a lot of scars all over my body and covering a lot of real estate on my arms. Pretty much every cut I get will end being a scar due to how slowly my body recovers from injuries. I tend to get infections super easily if I don't tend to my wounds and that has its fair share complications on my health. This has been my normal for most of my life and my entire adult life. I've just kind of accepted this because of a variety of reasons. I didn't have insurance and thus couldn't afford to do anything about it, no one took me seriously when I did bring up concerns about it, and after some years I just decided to accept it as a deep suicidal acceptance. I was able to successfully stay dead after my last suicide attempts, so I decided that I might as well let my weak immune system find something that could kill me. I just accepted my life was going to be cut short and there was nothing I could do about it and I wasn’t going to fight it if something did happen to me, so I didn't care about my obvious problems for the longest time. Until very recently when I realized I didn't want to die anymore and I wanted to take care of this issue or at least understand the cause of my weakened immune system, but now is the worst possible time to realize all of this.
What do I mean by the worst time? Well, simply put, I don't have the means to actually address my issues because I lack insurance. There's also kind of a global pandemic going on, which actually why I started worrying in the first place. There have been several confirmed cases in towns around my town and even a few possible cases already in my own town. I am literally working in a job that involves talking to and interacting with people all day and most days out of the week. This puts me at great unease as I know I don't have the immune system deal with this and my lungs aren't very good due to having asthma. I literally got the flu after only a few days of working with the public again and that scares me because I don't have the means of dealing with these kinds of setbacks. I don't have a proper diagnosis as to what has weakened my immune system, so I can't seak out any possible means of staying home and earning money during this pandemic. I can't afford to self-isolate, I can't afford the medical bills I already have nor the illness-related debt that has been accumulating. I simply can't afford to avoid getting sick because I neglected my own wellbeing for so many years. It terrifies me that I am finally putting my life together and finally have a bright future but now I am in a situation that has put me in so much unrest. Even though chances are high that if I did get sick, I will recover and bounce back, I literally can't afford that kind debt and I lack insurance as a means of covering any possible issues. That's terrifying to me, I finally want to live and now I am in a position that poses so many threats towards my overall wellbeing, it's almost some kind of cruel prank waiting to happen. Yeah, I am rather uneasy about this and kind of shook, not gonna lie. I want to stay positive but it's like, shit, I really picked a bad year to start getting my life together.

I know some people might see this as another person panicking, but that's not what I am doing. I know with the proper measures that it's unlikely for me to get COVID-19 and that there is still a high chance of me recovering if I did. But it's about being upset with my own self-negligence over so many years and now it's finally kicking me in the ass. A lot is my fault and something I could have prevented by simply talking to my doctor along time ago about this. A lot could have been done if I just communicated better with my girlfriend. She has some medical training and knowledge and was imminently able to narrow down that my immune system was weakened just by me actually describing what was going on. The anxiety I am dealing with could have been taken care of years ago when I had insurance and when I had the means of addressing this issue. Now, there isn't really anything I can do but wait for this all to settle down, wait for a confirmed vaccine, wait until my job gives me insurance, and avoid getting sick as best as possible. It's that waiting that is giving me so much anxiety at this point and knowing that every day I go to work I am putting myself at greater risks due to my past self not caring about my future. I just want to know what's wrong with my body and how to deal with it and move on with my life. This is a new kind of anxiety for me, a desire to live, something I am not used to. I am not used to worrying about getting sick nor worrying about possible repercussions to my actions. Now that I am suffering that kind of anxiety, it's a bit overwhelming for me at this moment and something that's kept me awake for far too long for several nights. Which on one hand, yay! I don't want to die! On the other hand, now I feel fear! Progress has been made, this is both a blessing and a curse.