So today, I kind of what to get personal because it's honestly been on my mind for a very long time. Why didn't I come out as transgender sooner? The truth is, because I am honestly afraid, I don't use the word "was," because I am still afraid of a lot of things. I know this is gaming site, but this is my blog and I feel like sharing on my favorite site.
The truth is, when I was younger, despite knowing that I was I girl, I was afraid that no one would live if the truth came out. Most of the time the Trans* community is treated like a joke and presented as "undatable" because they are "heshes" and "Dickchicks," they are treated mostly as fetishes and not people. Most of the time shown as prostitutes and druggies. That was something that I was afraid was going to happen to me if I was out. As time moved on and I got older, that harder it became for me to deal with these struggling thoughts. Sure I found someone, but I was afraid if they found out I was going to end up stuck, 800 miles away from everyone I knew and loved. Which would end up going back to my first fear of ending up on the streets. This kind of ended up causing me to have a drinking problem because I was just hoping if I was drunk, I could forget about everything and maybe be happy. In the end, it didn't save the day. When I realized that I couldn't hide myself, I braced for impact and came out.
I am happy to say, I didn't loose anything from this. But with one door open, another one still remained closed for me. Deep down no matter how strong I show myself, I still deeply afraid that being open is going to end up getting me hurt or killed. Every single day I afraid that at some point someone is going to attack me. So much so that I started pushing my shifts from closing to back to mid day shifts and now they are mornings. You would think, "That seems a bit extreme." It would be if it wasn't for the fact that I actually have countless customer complains about me and most of them made up or just become I am transgender. Almost all of them referring to me as "That heshe" or "That t******." I've actually had people flat out make up stories about me to my manager's in an attempt to get me in trouble. It's gotten to the point where I am actually uncomfortable being noticed on the sales floor, because I am afraid it's just going to encourage them to keep trying to get me fired. This is my livelihood the people are playing with because I am openly transgender. This has actually made me terrified to use the bathroom at work because I am afraid some customer might notice me and tell the manager that I did some like "expose myself to them/their kids." or that "attempted to rape/touch them/their kids." And yeah, these things may not happen, but it's hard to say they wouldn't, when you've already been lied about before.
This is the honest truth to why it took me so long to be open and to be happy. Yeah, I got dark, but deep down, I am so happy I came out. Sure now, I have a new struggle to deal with, but not suffering inside, alone and quiet, makes things so much better for me. Even with the dickheads out there that try to hurt me, I know there are so many more who love me. Trust me, not a day goes by where these people make sure I know I am loved. Honestly, it's been a slow progress and I know these people aren't going to really make an impact on me because I know my managers would never allow these customers to impact my job. They've worked with me thus far and I trust them.
The bright side is, though my progress has been slow, it's become a great journey for me. I never once thought years ago, when I came out, that one day I would end up having amazing friends who not only stood by me, but made sure I didn't quit. Friends who made sure I could be Crystal and never hide myself. And amazing boyfriends, who despite my emotional struggle, stood by me and made sure I didn't loose myself. And most of all, a family that even 800 miles, they will always be there and always love me. Seriously, knowing my family accepts me, is one the greatest feelings in the world. I am happy no matter what, that Crystal was finally freed from her shackles. Sure I have fears, but at the same time, they won't destroy me, because I know that neither myself nor those who care about me, will let that happen.
The truth is, when I was younger, despite knowing that I was I girl, I was afraid that no one would live if the truth came out. Most of the time the Trans* community is treated like a joke and presented as "undatable" because they are "heshes" and "Dickchicks," they are treated mostly as fetishes and not people. Most of the time shown as prostitutes and druggies. That was something that I was afraid was going to happen to me if I was out. As time moved on and I got older, that harder it became for me to deal with these struggling thoughts. Sure I found someone, but I was afraid if they found out I was going to end up stuck, 800 miles away from everyone I knew and loved. Which would end up going back to my first fear of ending up on the streets. This kind of ended up causing me to have a drinking problem because I was just hoping if I was drunk, I could forget about everything and maybe be happy. In the end, it didn't save the day. When I realized that I couldn't hide myself, I braced for impact and came out.
I am happy to say, I didn't loose anything from this. But with one door open, another one still remained closed for me. Deep down no matter how strong I show myself, I still deeply afraid that being open is going to end up getting me hurt or killed. Every single day I afraid that at some point someone is going to attack me. So much so that I started pushing my shifts from closing to back to mid day shifts and now they are mornings. You would think, "That seems a bit extreme." It would be if it wasn't for the fact that I actually have countless customer complains about me and most of them made up or just become I am transgender. Almost all of them referring to me as "That heshe" or "That t******." I've actually had people flat out make up stories about me to my manager's in an attempt to get me in trouble. It's gotten to the point where I am actually uncomfortable being noticed on the sales floor, because I am afraid it's just going to encourage them to keep trying to get me fired. This is my livelihood the people are playing with because I am openly transgender. This has actually made me terrified to use the bathroom at work because I am afraid some customer might notice me and tell the manager that I did some like "expose myself to them/their kids." or that "attempted to rape/touch them/their kids." And yeah, these things may not happen, but it's hard to say they wouldn't, when you've already been lied about before.
This is the honest truth to why it took me so long to be open and to be happy. Yeah, I got dark, but deep down, I am so happy I came out. Sure now, I have a new struggle to deal with, but not suffering inside, alone and quiet, makes things so much better for me. Even with the dickheads out there that try to hurt me, I know there are so many more who love me. Trust me, not a day goes by where these people make sure I know I am loved. Honestly, it's been a slow progress and I know these people aren't going to really make an impact on me because I know my managers would never allow these customers to impact my job. They've worked with me thus far and I trust them.
The bright side is, though my progress has been slow, it's become a great journey for me. I never once thought years ago, when I came out, that one day I would end up having amazing friends who not only stood by me, but made sure I didn't quit. Friends who made sure I could be Crystal and never hide myself. And amazing boyfriends, who despite my emotional struggle, stood by me and made sure I didn't loose myself. And most of all, a family that even 800 miles, they will always be there and always love me. Seriously, knowing my family accepts me, is one the greatest feelings in the world. I am happy no matter what, that Crystal was finally freed from her shackles. Sure I have fears, but at the same time, they won't destroy me, because I know that neither myself nor those who care about me, will let that happen.
