This year has sure been eventful. I went from absolute bottom to starting a successful career. I struggled through many years just to be able to begin this climb out of the crater called poverty.
I don't worry about affording food, housing, or clothing. I can buy videogames, software, and hardware. I have plans to own a car soon, used and a little aged but good condition. It's an experience like no other, to have the unbearable weights of life lifted from my shoulders. I truly appreciate the chances I was given to get where I am today, even if I had to push myself perhaps too hard many a time. There were many close calls... But here I am, sheltered and working hard.
Medical expenses and student debt still hover over my head but those too will lighten in time. The one true force weighing me down however is still ever present. Anhedonia, over-analytical consciousness, lack of motivation, no real social life offline, little interest in my hobbies, loneliness, desire to accomplish but lack the will and pleasure to do.
I muster up enough to get through the day and stay on the track to financial stability and hopefully comfort later in life. But once work is done, I just sort of vegetate. I'll bounce between looking at my phone's home screen, to twitch, to gbatemp, to my phone, the fridge, ad nauseum. I'll boot up my pc and open discord, maybe browse a couple posts, then open steam and look at my library for a couple minutes. "I really want to play and stream all these games!" But i don't really feel like it. I'll start one or stream something but I don't quite feel fulfilled.
I really don't feel fulfilled. I just want to actually enjoy life, you know? I over eat and don't really exercise, those seconds of bliss when stuffing my face with pizza are incredible but the second I stop I'm back to feeling empty. Then I struggle in a battle between eating more and enduring no further eating. I'm in this super uncomfortable heavy self-esteem-lacking state because I eat large portions and don't exercise enough.
I just don't really have the motivation.
What's ironic is that I'm probably at one of the highest points in my life, things are finally going well and I no longer feel hopeless about the future. But I'm just not...fulfilled.
Will I ever be? Will I find what I'm looking for?
Let's try to be positive. Again, I'm extremely grateful to have been given the chance to work my ass off to escape the hell hole my home life was. What my upbringing was. What poverty was. Drug addicted parents and showering in the old un-attented pool in the backyard for a month because we couldn't afford the electric/water bill. Daily fighting, junk food eating, chore neglecting.
That's right, positive, my bad. My apartment is nice. Not amazing, but the walls are painted, I have a dishwasher (awesome!) and a fridge that got fixed recently by maintenance. I have decent internet connection and can buy little things for myself here and there. I don't have to be cold at night or hungry ever. I have a shower that works and mostly stays warm.
Not really sure what to say from here so I'll just close this with another positive: I am alive.
I don't worry about affording food, housing, or clothing. I can buy videogames, software, and hardware. I have plans to own a car soon, used and a little aged but good condition. It's an experience like no other, to have the unbearable weights of life lifted from my shoulders. I truly appreciate the chances I was given to get where I am today, even if I had to push myself perhaps too hard many a time. There were many close calls... But here I am, sheltered and working hard.
Medical expenses and student debt still hover over my head but those too will lighten in time. The one true force weighing me down however is still ever present. Anhedonia, over-analytical consciousness, lack of motivation, no real social life offline, little interest in my hobbies, loneliness, desire to accomplish but lack the will and pleasure to do.
I muster up enough to get through the day and stay on the track to financial stability and hopefully comfort later in life. But once work is done, I just sort of vegetate. I'll bounce between looking at my phone's home screen, to twitch, to gbatemp, to my phone, the fridge, ad nauseum. I'll boot up my pc and open discord, maybe browse a couple posts, then open steam and look at my library for a couple minutes. "I really want to play and stream all these games!" But i don't really feel like it. I'll start one or stream something but I don't quite feel fulfilled.
I really don't feel fulfilled. I just want to actually enjoy life, you know? I over eat and don't really exercise, those seconds of bliss when stuffing my face with pizza are incredible but the second I stop I'm back to feeling empty. Then I struggle in a battle between eating more and enduring no further eating. I'm in this super uncomfortable heavy self-esteem-lacking state because I eat large portions and don't exercise enough.
I just don't really have the motivation.
What's ironic is that I'm probably at one of the highest points in my life, things are finally going well and I no longer feel hopeless about the future. But I'm just not...fulfilled.
Will I ever be? Will I find what I'm looking for?
Let's try to be positive. Again, I'm extremely grateful to have been given the chance to work my ass off to escape the hell hole my home life was. What my upbringing was. What poverty was. Drug addicted parents and showering in the old un-attented pool in the backyard for a month because we couldn't afford the electric/water bill. Daily fighting, junk food eating, chore neglecting.
That's right, positive, my bad. My apartment is nice. Not amazing, but the walls are painted, I have a dishwasher (awesome!) and a fridge that got fixed recently by maintenance. I have decent internet connection and can buy little things for myself here and there. I don't have to be cold at night or hungry ever. I have a shower that works and mostly stays warm.
Not really sure what to say from here so I'll just close this with another positive: I am alive.
