Inadequacy

As much as I love to be active and positive and engage with life without care for negativity, there is a lot of things I struggle with.

One of these is a feeling of not being good enough, a fear of engaging because I don't know anything and would harm the discussion. That I am somehow "unfit" to help anyone or be helped by anyone.

Forums are a great example. I find a topic that I know something about, I see a question that has no answer yet and I think "I got this". So I write it, and before sending it I think "Am I really right? No doubt someone else who knows more will show up and prove me wrong and brand me as a loser who knows nothing". This gives me pause, sometimes I delete the draft and other times I add countless addendums like "Correct me if I'm wrong" and "I apologise if my advice causes any harm". Any of this of course varies wildly depending on the situation.
This stops me from contributing to conversations I would otherwise contribute to, which sucks.

Another example is support tickets. I have a problem, I would like someone to look at it. But what if the problem was my fault? What if there is no problem and I am making a big deal of something for no reason? What if the person on the other end could be doing many much more important things rather than responding to my useless ticket?

And when my worst fears are confirmed, I feel awful. It feels like I have wasted someones time and that nobody will ever trust me again. I retreat into my own shame and have trouble recovering. People will say that its okay, but it never feels okay. I think about what could have been if I had known better or approached the situation in a different way, and that makes me feel miserable.

In a job situation, I will constantly ask to make sure that I am doing the right things and apologise needlessly for failings that may or may not even exist. This does not make me an appealing person to have in a workplace. The fact that I am not good at these things only feeds into the problem, it confirms my fear that I am not good enough.

In a relationship (like my current one), it makes things difficult. I end up constantly seeking approval and reinforcement that I am someone who is cared about, and constantly worry that I will be left for not being good enough, which has happened in the past with other people. I am lucky currently to have someone who can bear with me through that, but it does not stop the feelings from happening regardless.

I do not have much faith or pride in myself. I like to give off an aura of knowing what I am doing and that I am sure of myself, but in reality I worry a whole lot about what others think and even about myself. I am not sure of myself, I do not know for sure who I am or what I want to become and I don't think that's okay.

This entry is a ramble, a way of getting thoughts out of my head and into actual words. I will likely be okay and am not currently lost inside a spiral of negativity. I have struggles, we all do.
Constructive comments are welcome, opposing or not, but please don't be heavily negative or pessimistic for the sake of it or I will set my blog to private (people I follow). I don't want to hear it right now.

The question(s) I would have is, how does one gain faith, trust and pride in themselves as a person? How do I as a person grow to be stronger and to not be affected by these situations? I don't believe it is as simple as "Ignore those who put you down" or similar statements. Nothing is never that simple, I cannot change myself in a single night or with a single thought.
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Comments

Nobody_Important4u
Honestly I believe that you are either born with magic ticket called "talent" or not, you just have to try and make the most of what you have or fail by succumbing into delusions, there's not much to it, and really the ability to "change" is something that you are either born with or not, you can be more capable of doing so or not that's about it, the rest is up to "luck", my advice is probably garbage but maybe you can draw something from it.
 
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eyeliner
My friend, the only thing certain is failure.
There is no magic behind it. You are either adequate or not. My recommendation: just be.

Being good or not is something that people use as a construct to gauge adequacy, so go along your path, safe in the feeling that you are you.
Be your best. There's nothing more anyone in this damned world can ask. Or demand.

Feel that there's people out there that at surface level, even on a hacking forum, respect you, your views and think you are quite alright. That's enough for me.
Is it for you?
 
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x65943
This is a toughie

I know you said simple suggestions aren't helpful, but the only thing I can really say is you have gotta change your view

Currently you are taking life too seriously. Maybe it would help to think about how meaningless it really is. Here today gone tomorrow, what's the point of worrying? Carpe diem and all that - shoot your shot.

Next time you are afraid of being wrong or screwing up just realize everyone else is fumbling through life with confidence in their ignorance. You only have imposter syndrome because you are more conscientious than most.

Another good bit of advice. "You will stop worrying about what other people think of you, when you realize they seldom do" - if you can understand that your fears are all internal and crafted by your own mind you can try to tame them

It sounds like you are projecting your own personal fears and dislikes onto other people. If you can understand that and see it is all coming from you then you can try to let it go.
 
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grey72
I want to echo @x65943 's advice, I don't fully buy the "you're taking your life too seriously" bit myself, but not being a 100% serious about life is honestly the only thing that has kinda worked for me after years of ongoing struggles. And not seeing my classmates and family for a year has made me painfully aware of the "others seldom think of you" bit.
 
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antiNT
The fact that you care about others like this makes you seem like a good person I think. Try not to take everything so seriously like x65943 said.
 
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K
There is an overwhelming amount of low-value forum posts out there and if no one posted unless they were certain they had something to contribute, the forums would be largely empty. And maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing? There is likewise no shortage of jerks who will go out of their way to willfully misinterpret and stomp on your posts even if you said something useful.

Also if you have a problem and file a support ticket for "no reason", you are probably not the only person filing such a ticket. That you found it necessary to do so probably at least suggests that the solution to your problem could be made more readily available.

In the end, I think there are a lot of situations in which the proper response is not "I'm sorry you have to put up with me," but "Thank you for being there."

Also the fact that you have any kind of relationship at all puts you miles and miles ahead over a teeming mass of lonely people who can't even manage that much.
 
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Seriel
Thank you for your comment Kwyjor

The Internet is filled with useless posts, the worry that I have is that I am contributing to that even when most of the time I am probably not. Jerks will be jerks, I realise that and the fact I can't look past it being that simple is the issue I'm showing here.

The support ticket I derived that paragraph from wasnt sent without reason, I just worry that they will go "But its obvious, look here" because I do indeed have a tendency to overlook crucial details. I don(t often send support tickets because most of the time it can be resolved by me trying harder, hence the worry that it will come across dumb.

You're right, it is more of a case of thanks, I have said this to my partner before. "Thank you for being here with me."

I am indeed lucky to have a relationship, I completely realise that and I don't mean to put anyone down who doesn't and wants to, I only brought it up because these feelings manifest a lot worse inside of one, and has caused friction with another in the past. Letting go of the fears and worries is the hard part, I hope I can achieve it someday by trying hard enough.
 
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Chary
I used to struggle and fear and be anxious of saying anything. I didn’t speak much, I didn’t want to type much. I’m the kind of person who gets told “have a nice lunch” and responds “you too” to the delivery guy, and then sits and cringes about it for a week straight in mild horror.

Then I realized, what’s the point of life if you’re stuck, paralyzed by that anxiety. We’re all here for a very short time. Might make the most of what we’ve got.

I could have held back, I could have not posted this comment. Already, plenty of other messages manage to eloquently say these exact words. But I’d rather sound a little lame than to not have cared, have commented, have tried. It takes time to not be afraid of being a bother, but I think it’s better to have tried and failed rather than have stayed quiet and never tried at all, ignored or forgotten.
 
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JaapDaniels
  • Seeing your your fears or depressions are step 1 of conquering those.
  • Discribing in details what triggers your fears or depressions is step 2 (putting them on paper or screen for yourself to readback, or others to help you out).
  • Accepting the situation as they are are step 3.
  • Accepting yourself as being good enough for yourself is step 4.
  • Facing your fears or depressions is step 5.
  • Failing sometimes is step 6, but don't worry even the best of us do fail at things, really no one here is perfect.
  • Just repaet these steps, and you'll do as good as anyone here, it doesn't mean it's going to be easy.
We all have to fail to learn, and fail we do a lot. but know that whenever you conquered something that was hard for you, the feeling is beter then when it was easy.
Do these steps work always, no... some people need extra help by supplements to get your brain back in ballance, that's why sometimes anti depressions are a good thing.
That doesn't mean those should be there forever, you can and should be yourself in the end.
 
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BigOnYa
I'd say don't dwell on all these things, who cares what others think of you, or me. Just go do what makes you happy, that's all that matters in the end. Now grab a beer and/or a fatty and go have some fun. :grog::toot::wacko:
 
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Ricken
I really don't know how to make an introduction to what I'm saying, so I'm using this as one, haha
- It never hurts to engage in discussion, even when you're not 100%
It's good to preface things you're not sure about by specifying that, especially if you have extensive knowledge from the past (like if someone asked a 3DS related question, I'm sure you were active through the days of the 3DS getting exploited like crazy). Your knowledge has value to it, and it never hurts to fact-check yourself before making a post either. In the end, engaging in discussion is the best way to learn--and it feels really rewarding to grow alongside others.
- We all ask stupid questions sometimes
I've got one right here actually, real recent. Generally, when someone answers a question, they do so in hopes of spreading knowledge to others. Even if you ask a silly question, there's bound to be someone happy to help--there's no reason for someone to spread negativity when they're answering a question, especially if the question is friendly and with sound reason. We're all here to learn, especially on the temp; I'm sure a significant amount of us joined here because we wanted to learn more about the things we enjoy
- It's okay to be nervous in a job, you'll grow out of it--it's part of adapting to a new environment
I don't wanna break this really nice formatting but... really I'm just reflecting how I've grown since I've joined the temp. Maybe there's an idea in here that'll stick with you. Maybe this is a wall of text you don't wish to read. But I just wanna make it clear that you have value; I, at the very least, look fondly back on that discord server from 2016. I gained a lot of social confidence from being there and I'm really thankful for all the fun times that were had in it (also I don't know what more to say about the job thing so I figured it was a good place to wedge this in here)
- You gotta remember, you're loved for who you are in a relationship
Take pride in your interests, I'm sure you're with someone that enjoys hearing about silly nerdy things, even if they don't fully understand them every time. You must remember that you stood out to your partner; appealed to them and their heart. Focus on loving them and caring about them, while also balancing having fun together, and you're in for a perfect relationship. They put up with you because they care about you and they want to see you happy in life. I know knowledge alone isn't enough to break a cycle, but keep the idea in mind, and maybe you'll get a spark in mind to strive for who you want to be

Again... I really just reflected everything I've learned over the last few years. I hope there's at least something in here you can take for yourself and grow from. Take care, feel free to message me whenever if you need someone to talk to if you'd like, good luck with life, other welcoming encouraging things here
 
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FAST6191

Skip to 16:34, or don't and watch the whole thing.

https://www.healthline.com/health/dunning-kruger-effect (learn to spot that in others, both for this and in general lest you or your charges be sold on something by someone with undue confidence).

Though if you are going to do the relationship thing might want to get a handle on that as neediness is poison to a good one. You similarly probably want to avoid being that attached or deriving self worth from such things as well.

There is a related one where it is noted most people feel like outsiders in social groups.

As far as internet tough guys then meh. Just internet. Life gets so much better when you roll like that. Is what you are posting likely to make the word at least a marginally better place? If so then why not post it?

Someone asks me if I am ever wrong? "All the fucking time", those that can iterate their way to a suitable (read not necessarily best but suitable) answer then being the ones to keep beside you.
Can I find things that make me pay full attention, pause to contemplate, fire it through everything I know to hopefully keep up (or at least get it after round 3 of reading/watching/playing with it)? All the time, partially because I view myself as a bit of a generalist (very few will ever push the needle, smash two areas together to see what happens at the interface and things get very fun very quickly) and partially because if you spend a lifetime actually learning (which some out there do, some give up after 30 years but that is still 30 years) then you probably know something. Occasionally you get a moment of realisation and clarity, and can also look back thinking why anybody even let you stand in the room. I also seek such things.
 
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S
I make completely useless posts to get as much people to hate and be annoyed by me. The more hate I get the more comfortable and easier I become at making posts.
 
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Jacklack3
I've had self-conscious problems before, and one thing I noticed is my worries of people's thoughts aren't the same as mine in terms of the level of rudeness. When something embarrassing happens to someone else, the worse is that I might laugh at first, but then forget about it and not think different of the person after. But if something embarrassing happens to me, I might think everyone is constantly thinking about it. I'd say start noticing what goes through your mind when you see something (you'd worry about) happening to someone else.
 
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Silent_Gunner
@Nobody_Important4u Not that you're gonna see this, but that line about being born with "talent" sure does sound familiar...almost like someone making excuses for his actions...
 
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Silent_Gunner
As for the blog post in question, you need to stop putting yourself down. People are more chill than you might expect, generally, and having confidence in oneself, at least in my experience, came from doing things I never thought I'd be able to do and being successful in them. For example, I learned how to drive a tugger at my current warehouse job. On the first day of that job, let's just say the guy they assigned to train me was...a little on edge at times, and that didn't help as I was learning how to drive what is, after you factor in the 2,000 lbs. battery, a 5,000 lbs. piece of heavy duty equipment that helps to get things done and moving faster than any pallet jack I ever used at Walmart. Thankfully, the training lead recognized that I was having some difficulty, and assigned me a friendlier and more helpful trainer to assist me in not just getting more comfortable with the tugger, but the best way to stack a pallet at the place, how to operate the scanners that run on *coughs* Windows fucking Compact Edition from the era of the Dreamcast *coughs*, and just how to get around the warehouse in general.

It was hard.

It was scary.

My thoughts all had that "you're gonna fail" filter not unlike what you see in boot camps for both the military and the police when they have drill sergeants whisper into random trainees' ears that they don't have what it takes.

But you know what?

Just like when I thought that I'd get fired from my job at Walmart 3 months in (and honestly, I very well could have given how bad things were going), just like when I thought that my new position at said job would have me quitting after not getting the warmest of welcome from the current staff at the time of said department (of which most of the problem co-workers were eventually thrown out, with one or two I think getting into big trouble for I think it was something to do with drugs), I made it through, and for whatever reason that's not worth regretting because time travel still isn't a thing (or at least I think it isn't), I stuck with that job for four years, and have learned the importance of having self confidence as opposed to self esteem. Self esteem is self worth that isn't earned. That isn't saying that one's life isn't inherently valuable. All men and women on this planet were created equal by God, or so the saying goes. But I'm not talking about that.

Self confidence comes from the effort one puts in and the results yielding a positive result not just for yourself, but for others. As much as that Walmart stocker and trailer unloader job is deemed to be expendable, as last year has shown, they can be more valuable than I think a lot of us really considered them to be pre-COVID. Sure, the turnover rate is high, but that's because the job isn't meant to be a lifetime job so much as it is a starter job that will build up your work experience on your resume and hopefully foster professionally healthy relationships that can give you the good word to be considered at other companies' HR departments when you do find that job that will present new challenges to be overcome!
 
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G
Heh, I guess everyone’s already said a lot but I just wanted to tell you, I know it sucks but it’s nice to see someone that actually cares about trying to be good enough. And doing the right thing. There’s so many people that just don’t, that already shows that your heart is in the right place.
I know this might not be all that helpful but I just want to say that, even though I’m sure it doesn’t feel like it, you are no worse than anyone else. Everyone screws up and everybody makes mistakes and maybe you make a lot but there’s a lot of people that also make just as many, or even more. If there’s some standard we have to live up to to be good enough then nobody at all could cause we aren’t perfect. But you admit that you make mistakes , and you know you aren’t perfect - that’s a virtue. But what makes you good enough for anyone isn’t anything to do with how good you are at life or how much you’re holding together at the moment. It’s who you are on the inside, and the fact that you can care about what other people think shows that you can care about other people and that’s enough to show , at least to me, that you’re worth it as a person, and you’d make a good friend.
I’d recommend if it’s possible at all to seek a therapist or someone who can teach you how to turn these thoughts around and learn how to accept yourself because you can do it!
I know that sounds so cheesy and I don’t blame you if you know you can’t. But I promise you you can, a huge part of feeling better and not having to deal with this feeling of inadequacy is being able to forgive yourself for being human and making human mistakes.
It’s not easy to get there, but it’s possible, and it’s possible for you.
 
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