It's been a while since I actually posted something on GBAtemp other than quickly replying to posts or profile comments. I decided to give an update and talk about life and what's been going on with me. There's a lot to cover, so lI'll get started with it.
Recently, I haven't been quite as interested in video games or hacking/programming. I haven't updated my game plugins or made any new hacks in a while. I've been focusing more on school and money in the recent couple years or so. I'm doing pretty well in school. Last semester I managed to get straight A's.
View attachment 183903
(Follow my Twitter if you want)
My motivation for school is higher than it's ever been. For once I actually feel like school can be enjoyable if done correctly. I love the freedom and responsibility of being able to drive to school every day and be almost completely independent. I get to take classes I enjoy (albeit with some exceptions, such as transfer required courses). Independence feels great to have for once. Next summer or fall, I plan on moving in with an IRL friend at an apartment near the university I'll be attending. At that point, it will be even better than now. Another good thing is I should theoretically graduate college debt-free, which isn't something a lot of people can say. I worked about 60 hours a week throughout the whole summer and I usually do about 25-35 while school is on. I don't spend money on stupid stuff and I save mostly all of what I make, besides the essentials and some niceties here and there. My saving habits and hard work ethic are what will likely help me graduate debt-free if everything works out. By that, I mean assuming nothing out of my control and unpredictable happens again costing me thousands of dollars (I talked about this before in a YT video). Being able to live with my parents until the aforementioned potential move out next year has also helped to save money.
Although my focus has shifted off of computers for the time being, I still enjoy programming and can have lots of fun with it in class. Last semester was great, me and a friend always messed around and tried to compare the efficiency and speed of random, simple handwritten programs that we decide to compete on.
My free time and enjoyment has mostly shifted toward cars. Someone recently rear ended my old car pretty hard, causing it to be totaled. I got a payout from my insurance company and should be receiving another good chunk from theirs within the upcoming months. I bought a new car, this one is much faster, luxurious, sporty, beautiful, and hopefully reliable. Lexus has been rated #1 in reliability for the past 8 years, so I should see some of those reliability benefits in the long term. To keep it short, I love this new car. I love everything about it and I hope to keep it for a long time. The best part, though? It's all paid off and I got a good deal on it. Since I worked so much these past few years, and am attending a community college instead of a university for the time being, I was able to pay it off in full and not even have that big of a hit to savings account (insurance paid out a good portion of the total cost). No financing fees or anything and no shitty lease that I'll be stuck in for years. Because of the fact that I do love the car a lot, I'm not going to be attempting anything super technical on it. I have upgraded the door speakers, installed a subwoofer, added an aux line, changed lightbulbs, and other little stuff. One of my IRL friends and I plan on buying some sort of old shitbox for a few hundred bucks that we'll perform tests on and learn a lot more about cars with. We plan on learning how to properly change oil, brake pads/rotors, fix leaky brake lines, and all of the other little stuff that will probably go wrong on something like that. If we learn a lot, I estimate it'll save me tens of thousands of dollars in my lifetime if I do all of that maintenance myself for my life. The amount of money that goes towards labor in car repairs is crazy.
I've been more social, too, which is a good change. For online friends, my circle has only gotten smaller and smaller since I don't have that much of an interest in making new friends online. I've made friends IRL though and it feels much more fulfilling than having only online friends. A couple nights ago I hung out with one for 15 hours straight until 3am and basically we just talked all about life and stuff. You can talk to someone online about that too, but having them right next to you keeps it going a lot longer and you know where their full attention is at. I usually never open up to people but I've been less shy of it lately as I start to hate myself less and less. I realized that I may have problems, but other people do too. It's no longer embarrassing to talk about a lot of things, and I no longer have to avoid certain topics. I am who I am. What happened, happened. If someone can't see that then they don't deserve a part in my life and I'll make no effort to try and keep them around. It seems like a pretty typical thing of some edgy teen to say, but it is true. I've spent too much time doing that, specifically with online friends who were pretty close at one time or another. Most people are fake. They'll talk shit behind your back but won't address it to your face to try and fix the problem until it's too late. Usually their excuse will be that they're trying to "avoid the problem," yet they're doing the exact opposite by not trying to stop the problem. My goal is to keep on finding real ones and stick with them. Do not come around me if you fit the type of person I just described.
Meeting friends at work has been more beneficial than school, personally. At work, everyone is on a clean slate and people aren't assholes unless they are to your face. It's a different energy than school. A completely different environment. I still have close friends from my first job, and I've had 4 within the past 3 years. That doesn't mean school is bad for me socially; there's just a lot more time that we need to learn and focus rather than talk.
In the big picture, one thing I realized is that I worry way too much. I said "worry" and not "worried" because I still do. It'll take some time to stop, but living a life of anxiety and depression has caused me to never feel comfortable where I am and to always worry about stuff. No matter how big or little. Just for some context, some of the big things I worry about are never finding the right girl or never being able to settle down with the one I have, since she is in another country. I worry about never being good enough at what I do, despite most people saying that I'm doing perfectly fine. I can't accept the fact that I am "good" at some things, and anything that I'm "good" at, I think is either really easy or not important to be good at. I'm aware these are cognitive distortions. To attempt to calm my thoughts about girls, I try to tell myself that things will only work out if they're meant to. I also try to tell myself that I'm only 19 years old. My parents seem old but they're only in their 50s and have lived just over half of their life. Life is long, despite what some people say. I need to slow down and learn that things come one at a time. Some of the little yet stupid things I worry about are constantly being judged, even if no one cares at all. If I need to turn around while driving, I always worry about pulling into a little street and driving down some random neighborhood where I'm not from, even though I know inside none of those people know or care why I'm on their street. I always worry about not having exact change ready at the window at drive thrus and don't want to be caught fumbling for change or anything. I always sit near the front door whenever someone is scheduled to fix something at the house or a package is scheduled that I'll need to sign for (assuming I'm free the whole day). There's so many more examples of places that I worry too much, but you get the idea. Because of the constant mental/emotional strain this leaves on me, I almost always have to live with at least one canker sore in my mouth. It really is just as bad as it sounds, trust me. My doctor says they're most likely from stress which I can see. They've gotten a little bit less over the past few months when I've been trying to control my stress more. I'm working towards fixing the problem completely. Maybe one day I'll be able to relax and enjoy life.
If you read the whole thing, please comment below that you read it all. I've put a bit of time into writing this and want to hear some feedback from you or some suggestions for anything I've mentioned. In case you've been wondering why I'm less active, that's most of it over the past couple years. I still appreciate everyone who supports me. Sorry for any typos or anything, I quickly typed most of this. Thank you for allowing me express myself freely.
Recently, I haven't been quite as interested in video games or hacking/programming. I haven't updated my game plugins or made any new hacks in a while. I've been focusing more on school and money in the recent couple years or so. I'm doing pretty well in school. Last semester I managed to get straight A's.
View attachment 183903
(Follow my Twitter if you want)
My motivation for school is higher than it's ever been. For once I actually feel like school can be enjoyable if done correctly. I love the freedom and responsibility of being able to drive to school every day and be almost completely independent. I get to take classes I enjoy (albeit with some exceptions, such as transfer required courses). Independence feels great to have for once. Next summer or fall, I plan on moving in with an IRL friend at an apartment near the university I'll be attending. At that point, it will be even better than now. Another good thing is I should theoretically graduate college debt-free, which isn't something a lot of people can say. I worked about 60 hours a week throughout the whole summer and I usually do about 25-35 while school is on. I don't spend money on stupid stuff and I save mostly all of what I make, besides the essentials and some niceties here and there. My saving habits and hard work ethic are what will likely help me graduate debt-free if everything works out. By that, I mean assuming nothing out of my control and unpredictable happens again costing me thousands of dollars (I talked about this before in a YT video). Being able to live with my parents until the aforementioned potential move out next year has also helped to save money.
Although my focus has shifted off of computers for the time being, I still enjoy programming and can have lots of fun with it in class. Last semester was great, me and a friend always messed around and tried to compare the efficiency and speed of random, simple handwritten programs that we decide to compete on.
My free time and enjoyment has mostly shifted toward cars. Someone recently rear ended my old car pretty hard, causing it to be totaled. I got a payout from my insurance company and should be receiving another good chunk from theirs within the upcoming months. I bought a new car, this one is much faster, luxurious, sporty, beautiful, and hopefully reliable. Lexus has been rated #1 in reliability for the past 8 years, so I should see some of those reliability benefits in the long term. To keep it short, I love this new car. I love everything about it and I hope to keep it for a long time. The best part, though? It's all paid off and I got a good deal on it. Since I worked so much these past few years, and am attending a community college instead of a university for the time being, I was able to pay it off in full and not even have that big of a hit to savings account (insurance paid out a good portion of the total cost). No financing fees or anything and no shitty lease that I'll be stuck in for years. Because of the fact that I do love the car a lot, I'm not going to be attempting anything super technical on it. I have upgraded the door speakers, installed a subwoofer, added an aux line, changed lightbulbs, and other little stuff. One of my IRL friends and I plan on buying some sort of old shitbox for a few hundred bucks that we'll perform tests on and learn a lot more about cars with. We plan on learning how to properly change oil, brake pads/rotors, fix leaky brake lines, and all of the other little stuff that will probably go wrong on something like that. If we learn a lot, I estimate it'll save me tens of thousands of dollars in my lifetime if I do all of that maintenance myself for my life. The amount of money that goes towards labor in car repairs is crazy.
I've been more social, too, which is a good change. For online friends, my circle has only gotten smaller and smaller since I don't have that much of an interest in making new friends online. I've made friends IRL though and it feels much more fulfilling than having only online friends. A couple nights ago I hung out with one for 15 hours straight until 3am and basically we just talked all about life and stuff. You can talk to someone online about that too, but having them right next to you keeps it going a lot longer and you know where their full attention is at. I usually never open up to people but I've been less shy of it lately as I start to hate myself less and less. I realized that I may have problems, but other people do too. It's no longer embarrassing to talk about a lot of things, and I no longer have to avoid certain topics. I am who I am. What happened, happened. If someone can't see that then they don't deserve a part in my life and I'll make no effort to try and keep them around. It seems like a pretty typical thing of some edgy teen to say, but it is true. I've spent too much time doing that, specifically with online friends who were pretty close at one time or another. Most people are fake. They'll talk shit behind your back but won't address it to your face to try and fix the problem until it's too late. Usually their excuse will be that they're trying to "avoid the problem," yet they're doing the exact opposite by not trying to stop the problem. My goal is to keep on finding real ones and stick with them. Do not come around me if you fit the type of person I just described.
Meeting friends at work has been more beneficial than school, personally. At work, everyone is on a clean slate and people aren't assholes unless they are to your face. It's a different energy than school. A completely different environment. I still have close friends from my first job, and I've had 4 within the past 3 years. That doesn't mean school is bad for me socially; there's just a lot more time that we need to learn and focus rather than talk.
In the big picture, one thing I realized is that I worry way too much. I said "worry" and not "worried" because I still do. It'll take some time to stop, but living a life of anxiety and depression has caused me to never feel comfortable where I am and to always worry about stuff. No matter how big or little. Just for some context, some of the big things I worry about are never finding the right girl or never being able to settle down with the one I have, since she is in another country. I worry about never being good enough at what I do, despite most people saying that I'm doing perfectly fine. I can't accept the fact that I am "good" at some things, and anything that I'm "good" at, I think is either really easy or not important to be good at. I'm aware these are cognitive distortions. To attempt to calm my thoughts about girls, I try to tell myself that things will only work out if they're meant to. I also try to tell myself that I'm only 19 years old. My parents seem old but they're only in their 50s and have lived just over half of their life. Life is long, despite what some people say. I need to slow down and learn that things come one at a time. Some of the little yet stupid things I worry about are constantly being judged, even if no one cares at all. If I need to turn around while driving, I always worry about pulling into a little street and driving down some random neighborhood where I'm not from, even though I know inside none of those people know or care why I'm on their street. I always worry about not having exact change ready at the window at drive thrus and don't want to be caught fumbling for change or anything. I always sit near the front door whenever someone is scheduled to fix something at the house or a package is scheduled that I'll need to sign for (assuming I'm free the whole day). There's so many more examples of places that I worry too much, but you get the idea. Because of the constant mental/emotional strain this leaves on me, I almost always have to live with at least one canker sore in my mouth. It really is just as bad as it sounds, trust me. My doctor says they're most likely from stress which I can see. They've gotten a little bit less over the past few months when I've been trying to control my stress more. I'm working towards fixing the problem completely. Maybe one day I'll be able to relax and enjoy life.
If you read the whole thing, please comment below that you read it all. I've put a bit of time into writing this and want to hear some feedback from you or some suggestions for anything I've mentioned. In case you've been wondering why I'm less active, that's most of it over the past couple years. I still appreciate everyone who supports me. Sorry for any typos or anything, I quickly typed most of this. Thank you for allowing me express myself freely.
