I have spent the last hour keeping this tab open, i wanted to put some stuff here, but ended up erasing it thinking, "Maybe i don't want to tell anyone about this, nobody will care. I'll just keep this problems and thoughts to myself." And also telling someone something about me unless opportunity is given, is very VERY hard. Not just i don't think that nobody will care, but even though I want to say what I really feel, I just submit myself to defeat and give up like I'm so scared to tell unless I was asked.
Why is it like that? even this is kinda hard to write down. pains my chest a bit.
It's a problem really, some people think I'm hard to approach. Because I always keep quiet when in a new group. I just listen, never will i speak unless I'm asked. Most of the time nobody asks. I'm afraid of just talking to others like we already knew each other, I want to observe first. Probably so that I can adapt. But really, if just someone invites me, I'd be really happy. Very VERY Happy! but even slight hints won't do, I need to hear a clear confirmation.
But also, me being an introvert also affects that. Because from time to time I vanish, sometimes it may even seem that i'm avoiding and hate them, and when i come back I'd feel awkward. In high school I sometimes don't come to school for a week, and when i wish to come back I'm too scared to do so, even if i did I'd normally be quite, but they always approach me.
And me not having friends is a bad thing. I depend on them, like role models. Because I'm easily influenced by things around me, I need someone to be my anchor and they're my confidence.
It's like an endless unbreakable loop.
Now I just drown myself in games, anime, manga, anything i can use to make me happy for a while. they're like my food. But lately, dreams seems more real than before. i'm afraid that someday I might not able to tell what's real.
I haven't told this to anyone i know IRL. I'm so messed up. I wish I could just reprogram myself. I'm nothing without a puppeteer.
Tomorrow, I'm going to school for enrollment, and I'm a bit scared. I wish I had some friends I can cling to. I really pity myself. why does the world has someone like me?
Why I really wrote this is for the sake of telling someone, now that it's off my chest. Normally I just forget everything i wrote, it's easier that way. I just move on and do something fun again. temporarily escaping my own shadow.
EDIT: Damn, forgot to change the title. It's because i was supposed to write only less than half of it. but if i start something I just go and go.
Why is it like that? even this is kinda hard to write down. pains my chest a bit.
It's a problem really, some people think I'm hard to approach. Because I always keep quiet when in a new group. I just listen, never will i speak unless I'm asked. Most of the time nobody asks. I'm afraid of just talking to others like we already knew each other, I want to observe first. Probably so that I can adapt. But really, if just someone invites me, I'd be really happy. Very VERY Happy! but even slight hints won't do, I need to hear a clear confirmation.
But also, me being an introvert also affects that. Because from time to time I vanish, sometimes it may even seem that i'm avoiding and hate them, and when i come back I'd feel awkward. In high school I sometimes don't come to school for a week, and when i wish to come back I'm too scared to do so, even if i did I'd normally be quite, but they always approach me.
And me not having friends is a bad thing. I depend on them, like role models. Because I'm easily influenced by things around me, I need someone to be my anchor and they're my confidence.
It's like an endless unbreakable loop.
Now I just drown myself in games, anime, manga, anything i can use to make me happy for a while. they're like my food. But lately, dreams seems more real than before. i'm afraid that someday I might not able to tell what's real.
I haven't told this to anyone i know IRL. I'm so messed up. I wish I could just reprogram myself. I'm nothing without a puppeteer.
Tomorrow, I'm going to school for enrollment, and I'm a bit scared. I wish I had some friends I can cling to. I really pity myself. why does the world has someone like me?
Why I really wrote this is for the sake of telling someone, now that it's off my chest. Normally I just forget everything i wrote, it's easier that way. I just move on and do something fun again. temporarily escaping my own shadow.
EDIT: Damn, forgot to change the title. It's because i was supposed to write only less than half of it. but if i start something I just go and go.
