Me

I figured I'll do this

I'm in my mid 20's and currently unemployed suffering from depression and anxiety, while this is manageable for me a lot of the time there are a few times when it isn't, it's in those times I see a side of myself I don't like to admit, and as such, I've decided to post something an open letter I wrote last year during one of my worst bouts of depression.

Lately, I've been playing DDLC which surprisingly enough doesn't really trigger me, but I am using jokes about just hanging around when I'm feeling lonely... bad move I know. Anyways onto the letter

Possible trigger warning
To whomever you are, wherever you are, if you know me and are reading this I’m sorry, I am so so so *redacted* sorry, I am probably one of the worst kind of people on earth. I deeply betrayed the trust of not just one of my friends, but two at the same time. I know you won’t forgive me and I’m not asking forgiveness I just wanted to say I’m sorry.

As a human, I try to be the best I can be but I’m not I’m *redacted* scum, I use blackmail, deceit, and psychology to get what I want. Why anyone is my friend or even listens to me I have no *redacted* idea but I don’t deserve it or the kindness that you give me.

To another who will never see this *Redacted* I’m sorry I’m annoying and just talk about random worthless shit, and you should never have bailed me out because as much as I like to think I’ll pay you back I don’t ever think I’ll be able to.

One day I feel if I slip enough I’ll do something that I’ll regret so much the only way I think I could ever forgive myself if to be executed slowly and painfully for all the pain that I would cause.

I guess these are just the ramblings of a crazed depressed and a somewhat regretful human who doesn’t deserve love or sympathy. I personally feel like I am taking up space and am a waste of oxygen if I had the balls I think I would attempt to change that but because I don’t that makes me a coward as well.

I feel a lot of pressure in my life from cost of living to family. Family huh guess I’m already up to this section, as far as me or my family are concerned I am the last male capable of passing on my family name, I feel a lot of pressure and I know they joke sometimes but it is something that weighs a lot on my mind. I suppose I would like to change that to pass on my family name, but perhaps it would be the best if it ended with me… If this were to change then I would need a partner who would be willing to stay with me through thick and thin… if that ever happened I think I would show them this letter just so they know that I’m not worth it if shit gets too hectic.

I think the long and short of this letter is I’m a bad person who deserves to be along for everything I’ve done and if I did shit that was too bad I should pay for it with everything.

Well I guess this is bye for now, and of anyone is worried about me, just remember I won’t do anything because I’m a coward.
Click to expand...

It was in this time of depression that I realized the worst parts of myself, using underhanded tactics to get what I want. I don't want sympathy or anything like that, I just want to let people know some of the thoughts I have when I'm in my darkest hours..

And I'm rambling again.....

Comments

Draxzelex
I always feel conflicted about liking posts of a person struggling or something that isn't represents what I actually like. That feeling becomes amplified when the only thing I can do is say "You're not alone" or "You can talk to me anytime" when I want to do so much more. And now here I am, looking at plane tickets costs to Australia. You may not believe it but you are worth the time and money for a 20 hour flight.
 

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Adran_Marit
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