Worried About My Brother

[Trolly]

Well, my brother, who's 14 years old has spent the last few years on Darkthrone forums, which I have teased him about in the past. It seems in that time he's got very close to some of the female members there. Other than that, I never knew anything else until this evening. I'd always assumed he was clever enough (as I seem him as similar to me) to not get really attached to people online, and that it was just a distraction to pass the time (like I use GBATemp).

But I stumbled upon his blog in the website history for Firefox today. I found myself shaking within a few minutes at a few of the blog entries. I was ashamed at the fact he came across as a depressed, little emo-boy, but worried about what he was actually going through at the same time.
It seems he calls one member of this forum 'Mum', seemingly putting her on a pedestal as a mother figure to replace our own mother

, on numerous occasions he put in blog entries saying he would kill himself or wasn't sleeping, was suffering from paranoia or suffering from low self-esteem because forum members hadn't contacted him or had said something mean. It appears he even had an online relationship with one of them at some point.

Meanwhile, in real life, we've never seen him as depressed. Every so often he has a tantrum over something silly (especially having his laptop taken off him, and now I know why), and his fuse is a little short, but on the whole he's pretty sensible. One thing I can say is odd though, is how he's never really let anyone in on how he thinks or had any kind of deep discussion with him. Whenever you try and get under his skin, or try and understand him or have a proper discussion he shouts us out the room. We put it down to behavioural problems that he'll grow out of, but maybe that's not the case.

It strikes me as unnatural though. He's been treated the same as any ordinary kid, and he's never seemed particularly depressed, but he comes across as completely depressed in this blog, as though he thinks nobody cares about him.
I don't know whether this is a phase he's going through, or whether it's something we need to work out once and for all. And I have no idea how we will sort it out as he's so attached to these forum members, and will only discuss his life with them.

I'm kinda worried here, any advice?
Kudos if you bothered to read it all too

.

 

[Maikel Steneker]

I read it all

But seriously, that's bit scary... Calling someone on the internet your mom. I wonder if it's just some kind of act (like the people who post about their experiences after watching the cursed tape from The Ring even though they know it's not real

) or that he's serious about this. If he is serious, you should probably warn your parents... At least that's what I'd do.

 

[Trolly]

Yeah, I spoke to my Dad about it, and he seems a little stumped like me. I'm mainly just dumbfounded he managed to get into this position.
And I agree, it is scary lol.

 

[Sonicslasher]

/me thinks about mthrnite then laughs

Might be a good idea to talk to him. A good conversation to get something off of his chest can really help someone out. Tell him that you are concerned. But I guess that depends how close you two are.

 

[Trolly]

/me thinks about mthrnite then laughs

Might be a good idea to talk to him. A good conversation to get something off of his chest can really help someone out. Tell him that you are concerned. But I guess that depends how close you two are.

Aha, good old mthrnite.

And yeah, he's not exactly approachable though, which is why none of us had any inkling of what was going on. I'll consider talking to him, but he won't be happy I saw his blog :\.

 

[Wabsta]

/me thinks about mthrnite then laughs

Might be a good idea to talk to him. A good conversation to get something off of his chest can really help someone out. Tell him that you are concerned. But I guess that depends how close you two are.

Aha, good old mthrnite.

And yeah, he's not exactly approachable though, which is why none of us had any inkling of what was going on. I'll consider talking to him, but he won't be happy I saw his blog :\.

That's weird, aren't blogs supposed to be on the internet, so that everyone can see it?

 

[Trolly]

That's weird, aren't blogs supposed to be on the internet, so that everyone can see it?

Well, kinda, but I got the impression from the content that it was meant to be more targeted towards these forum users, and not people he knows in real life like me.

 

[Diablo1123]

Maybe you should like stop him from going the internet, see how how reacts. But you'll want to do it in a way to blame the internet provider or else he might hate you all for doing that. I'm pretty sure that'll lead to something, but I'm too busy right now to think of it.

 

[Shichibukai]

Get off his internet and give him a good wack!

 

[Wabsta]

Just see it like this:
It could have been worse, he could have went to 4chan all day.

 

[UltraMagnus]

Well, my brother, who's 14 years old has spent the last few years on Darkthrone forums, which I have teased him about in the past. It seems in that time he's got very close to some of the female members there. Other than that, I never knew anything else until this evening. I'd always assumed he was clever enough (as I seem him as similar to me) to not get really attached to people online, and that it was just a distraction to pass the time (like I use GBATemp).

But I stumbled upon his blog in the website history for Firefox today. I found myself shaking within a few minutes at a few of the blog entries. I was ashamed at the fact he came across as a depressed, little emo-boy, but worried about what he was actually going through at the same time.
It seems he calls one member of this forum 'Mum', seemingly putting her on a pedestal as a mother figure to replace our own mother

, on numerous occasions he put in blog entries saying he would kill himself or wasn't sleeping, was suffering from paranoia or suffering from low self-esteem because forum members hadn't contacted him or had said something mean. It appears he even had an online relationship with one of them at some point.
well, forming attachments and friendships on the internet is nothing unusual in this day and age to be honest. although replacing family members and thinking of them as members of some sort of surrogate family goes rather beyond healthy friendships. just as it would if someone did this in real life

Meanwhile, in real life, we've never seen him as depressed. Every so often he has a tantrum over something silly (especially having his laptop taken off him, and now I know why), and his fuse is a little short, but on the whole he's pretty sensible. One thing I can say is odd though, is how he's never really let anyone in on how he thinks or had any kind of deep discussion with him. Whenever you try and get under his skin, or try and understand him or have a proper discussion he shouts us out the room. We put it down to behavioural problems that he'll grow out of, but maybe that's not the case.

It strikes me as unnatural though. He's been treated the same as any ordinary kid, and he's never seemed particularly depressed, but he comes across as completely depressed in this blog, as though he thinks nobody cares about him.
I don't know whether this is a phase he's going through, or whether it's something we need to work out once and for all. And I have no idea how we will sort it out as he's so attached to these forum members, and will only discuss his life with them.

I'm kinda worried here, any advice?
Kudos if you bothered to read it all too

.
He obviously doesn't want people prying into his personal (internet or otherwise) life. so confronting him about it or asking him directly would be a bad idea. some people are just introverted like that and don't like discussing their feelings much, his anger could even simply be because he doesn't know the "right" words.

your best idea would be to just tactfully tell him about what you saw, that you are worried about him, and that he can talk to you about it when he wants to. it is important that he talks about it on his terms and doesn't feel confronted or attacked as he may just retreat further. you could even think about leaving it as a comment on his blog.

QUOTE(Diablo1123 @ Jan 11 2009, 06:45 PM)

Maybe you should like stop him from going the internet, see how how reacts. But you'll want to do it in a way to blame the internet provider or else he might hate you all for doing that. I'm pretty sure that'll lead to something, but I'm too busy right now to think of it.

that would be tantamount to cutting off an limb to him, it would be possibly the worst way to go about this. if he is already contemplating suicide you may as well put the noose around his neck yourself.

 

[NeSchn]

Hmmm, First thing are you talking about Darkthrone, the black metal band? If so, Tell your brother he needs to find new black metal bands lol. Their old stuff was good but their new stuff blows.

And second, You should go and talk to him about it. It will probably feel awkward and uncomfortable at first but it will help.

 

[Legobot]

My 14 year old brother is close to that stage aswell but instead he became an introverted bisexual. I have no idea how to tell him that i know this.

 

[Just Joe]

I'm sorry. But this is once again a good reason why children's access to the internet should be monitored in the home, like everything else.

However, rant aside, UltraMagnus is right. Cutting him off now would only make matters worse.

If he is suffering from depression, you're not going to see it outright. My friend suffers from depression, but she puts on an act most of the time round her friends and family because she doesn't want them to now what going on in her mind. The fact that he's closed himself off from the people around him is your main cause for concern. This I would suggest is because he's finding it harder to keep the act of normalcy going and is beginning to resent those he feels he has to keep happy with this act.

I would also agree with UM about the how to go on. If you are closer to him than your parents are than you should make the first move. Build a bridge by telling him your concerns and then leave it up to him to come to you. If it is a Blog entry than tell him you found it online, he can't blame you for reading something that is in the public domain. Try to make subtle reminders that you're there for him if he needs to talk.

I would also suggest that you and your family try to subtlety encourage and praise him in the things he does, just to help with his self-esteem and strengthen his bonds with the family.

 

[Rod]

The first thing to do is show that you're (now) aware adn try to talk to him about it. Most of his depression synthome and "death wish" are parts of a pre-teen phase lots of us go though, it's an age thing and it's something that'll go away one time or another.

I know it's not as easy as it sounds to have a nice approach, sit down and have a talk about it, but it's what's needed in urgency. I know this isn't pleasant to say, but I once lost a friend who committed suicide, and NOBODY around her even had an idea she was going through a bad phase at that time. The thing most revolves around our minds is the idea of "if we knew and had talked, perharps things would be different"...

I wish you and your brother good luck.

 

[Trolly]

Thanks for the support guys, and UltraMagnus sounds completely right. I'll go ahead and try and talk to I'm at the next opportunity.
Those who have said we should stop his internet, I understand where you're coming from, but just like UltraMagnus said, I'm positive it would be like cutting off a limb for him.

I seriously hope he isn't as badly depressed as he comes across as in that blog, and I'll try and show I'm there for him.

 

[nin10do]

hey everyone goes through a range of moods. the net's a place to vent. it might be a good idea to just let him knwo you're around but give him his space.

 

[NeSchn]

Are we talking about Darkthrone the band or the shitty online game?

 

[Isaiah]

Well, my brother, who's 14 years old has spent the last few years on Darkthrone forums, which I have teased him about in the past. It seems in that time he's got very close to some of the female members there. Other than that, I never knew anything else until this evening. I'd always assumed he was clever enough (as I seem him as similar to me) to not get really attached to people online, and that it was just a distraction to pass the time (like I use GBATemp).

But I stumbled upon his blog in the website history for Firefox today. I found myself shaking within a few minutes at a few of the blog entries. I was ashamed at the fact he came across as a depressed, little emo-boy, but worried about what he was actually going through at the same time.
It seems he calls one member of this forum 'Mum', seemingly putting her on a pedestal as a mother figure to replace our own mother

, on numerous occasions he put in blog entries saying he would kill himself or wasn't sleeping, was suffering from paranoia or suffering from low self-esteem because forum members hadn't contacted him or had said something mean. It appears he even had an online relationship with one of them at some point.
well, forming attachments and friendships on the internet is nothing unusual in this day and age to be honest. although replacing family members and thinking of them as members of some sort of surrogate family goes rather beyond healthy friendships. just as it would if someone did this in real life

Meanwhile, in real life, we've never seen him as depressed. Every so often he has a tantrum over something silly (especially having his laptop taken off him, and now I know why), and his fuse is a little short, but on the whole he's pretty sensible. One thing I can say is odd though, is how he's never really let anyone in on how he thinks or had any kind of deep discussion with him. Whenever you try and get under his skin, or try and understand him or have a proper discussion he shouts us out the room. We put it down to behavioural problems that he'll grow out of, but maybe that's not the case.

It strikes me as unnatural though. He's been treated the same as any ordinary kid, and he's never seemed particularly depressed, but he comes across as completely depressed in this blog, as though he thinks nobody cares about him.
I don't know whether this is a phase he's going through, or whether it's something we need to work out once and for all. And I have no idea how we will sort it out as he's so attached to these forum members, and will only discuss his life with them.

I'm kinda worried here, any advice?
Kudos if you bothered to read it all too

.
He obviously doesn't want people prying into his personal (internet or otherwise) life. so confronting him about it or asking him directly would be a bad idea. some people are just introverted like that and don't like discussing their feelings much, his anger could even simply be because he doesn't know the "right" words.

your best idea would be to just tactfully tell him about what you saw, that you are worried about him, and that he can talk to you about it when he wants to. it is important that he talks about it on his terms and doesn't feel confronted or attacked as he may just retreat further. you could even think about leaving it as a comment on his blog.

QUOTE(Diablo1123 @ Jan 11 2009, 06:45 PM)

Maybe you should like stop him from going the internet, see how how reacts. But you'll want to do it in a way to blame the internet provider or else he might hate you all for doing that. I'm pretty sure that'll lead to something, but I'm too busy right now to think of it.

that would be tantamount to cutting off an limb to him, it would be possibly the worst way to go about this. if he is already contemplating suicide you may as well put the noose around his neck yourself.

He doesn't know the right words? hes 14 for gods sake he should be speaking like a scientist because my little bro does and so do i(runs in the blood

 

[miruki]

Mhhn... this sounds rather awful. You really should talk with your bro, but be careful, considerate, don't push him too hard.... that could lead to him even less willing to talk about his problems.

And be sensitive about the blog thing, I mean, the fact you read it and everything... seriously, tell him that you read it but think carefully about how to tell him. He will feel like you did pry into his stuff and probably get angry and all, but try to calm him down, say stuff like "I want to understand you" ...*sigh* 14 years old are not easy to handle, haha.

I hope you can make your bro understand that you only worry about him and want him to trust you... I'm really, really glad that my lil bro will always talk to me first when anything's the matter.

Good luck!