That OP is funny as hell. Holy cow. And it wasn't that long ago (to an old guy like me).
But we just upgraded to iPhone SEs (2020) because our phone company is going to 5G (or went, I don't know). Love the hardware, but there are a lot of little steps that seem belabored when it comes to setting preferences for everyday stuff. Still glad to be back to iPhone.
Hard to remember them all. Here goes without all the model numbers:
old unbreakable nokia(was a family cell phone since they werent a big thing way back then)
cheap walmart go phone was my first cell phone. Dont even remember the name.
blackberry(dont remember the model, but it was free)
iphone 4(very short trial run, but im too used to android)
ZTE walmart phone
galaxy s8+(current back up phone just in case)
Note 20 ultra(current phone)
Im sure I skipped over a few random flip phones in there that I can barely remember. My favorites have always been the note series because of it being a bigger phone, and I have had to use the pen for document signing through email many times. A bit sad that there is not another note in the works currently, but if I understand correctly they are adapting many of the features into the S line.
First mobile phone: LG 900G. A feature phone with support for Java applets. It was basically a "wannabe" smartphone. I actually quite liked it.
Second mobile phone: LG Optimus Q. An Android smartphone that was affordable and included a slideout keyboard. No major complaints other than the phone being slow, even for its time.
Third mobile phone: Kyocera Rise. This was a mistake. Constant lockups, overheating, required pulling battery every few days. Yikes.
Fourth mobile phone: Samsung Galaxy S4. Seems like pretty much everyone I knew had this phone, so I hopped onboard too. I quite liked it, though I initially had the Verizon model with a locked bootloader, which kind of sucked.
Fifth mobile phone: HTC One M7. I only owned this for a few days as it turned out not to be compatible with the network I was using at the time. Seemed solid, though!
Sixth mobile phone: Samsung Galaxy S4 (again!). This time a Sprint model, so I could finally play with custom ROMs and keep the device on life support for longer. This was the right call. I stayed on this phone until around the time Android 8.1 was the standard.
And lastly, my current mobile phone: Motorola moto x4. I LOVE this phone. While I have ideas and plans on upgrading, this one is my favorite smartphone so far, by far.