Video Game Characters Solve the Oil Spill Crisis

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic Chat' started by Terminator02, Jun 9, 2010.

  1. Terminator02
    OP

    Member Terminator02 ヽ( 。 ヮ゚)ノ

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2010
    Messages:
    4,517
    Location:
    Somewhere near monkat
    Country:
    United States
    Read this if you don't know Ekans
    <!--quoteo--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE</div><div class='quotemain'><!--quotec-->In case you've been living with Buddhist monks in the mountains of China for the past few months, there's a clusterf*ck down in the Gulf of Mexico involving an underwater oil well erupting and polluting the water. Experts are having difficulties stopping it, but never fear, celebrities like John Cusack and Oprah are working around the clock in a secret underground base to save us all. Even James "I'm King Of the World" Cameron has an idea -- he suggests fixing the problem by stuffing a few billion dollars he got from Avatar DVD sales into it, then pray to the Tree of Souls and wait for the rhinos charge the evil oil tycoons and their army of oil mechs. Anyway, it's a long story, so just click here if you've been out of the loop. Everyone else, read on.

    Since everyone seems to have an idea on how to stop the massive leak, I figured, why not ask a few video game celebrities if they would like to throw in their two cents?

    Kirby's Plan

    I'll go underneath the ocean, put my mouth over it, and suck in the rest of the oil. I'll then lap up the rest of oil in the Gulf, as well as the oil that's covering the animals. Once I've got all the oil I'll go over to King Dedede's palace and won't that fucker be surprised. Meta Knight will then come at me, but I'll swallow some of the oil and spit globs of it at him. Not so badass when you're covered in dinosaur sludge, are you?

    <img src="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/3/33286-175627-duckoilz2jpg-620x.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

    Kratos' Plan

    I'll start out by taking a fleet of ships with a thousand men into the Gulf. I shall then descend into the heart of darkness itself, killing any oil soaked fish demons who get in my way. There is a chance I may find the dreaded Black Oil Humpback whale, but do not be afraid -- by using the head of Medusa I can turn them to stone and break them easily. Once I reach the dreaded gusher of Hades himself, I shall trap it in Pandora's box and unleash it upon those responsible. No longer shall the ocean be stained with black sludge. It shall instead run red with the blood of those who have defiled her, and the blood of the cursed ducks and baby seals I had to slaughter. Alas, I shall not find peace. Therefore I will drown in the blood ocean myself, so that the memories of my family's death will cease to haunt me.

    Also, at some point I have a threesome with two Florida University student volunteers.

    <img src="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/3/33286-175627-gow2kratosthronejpg-620x.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

    Mario's Plan

    I'm-a thinking I can-a use some Goomba carcasses to fill up the opening. Then me and-a Yoshi can swallow all the animals and-a shit them out clean, providing they-a don't suffocate. Then I-a take a break -- union-a rules. I use-a annoying talking water cooler to clean ocean of-a sludge, and then kill-a all the squids who be-a polluting water. Peach can stand-a by on shore and pick some of those-a freaky turnips with faces we can eat afterward. And-a Luigi can... uhhh... play-a second player. Also, this-a gonna cost you twenty hundred red coins, plus extra for the-a rubber bands, gum, and-a paper clips I used.

    <img src="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/3/33286-175627-supermariosunshine6jpeg-620x.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

    Ekans' Plan

    [Note: Please use Google translation to read this part of the post. Pokémon is located between Arabic and Gopher.]

    Ekans Ekans, Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans-- Ekans Ekans -- Ekans Ekans. Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans, Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. EkansEkans Ekans. Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans: Ekans, Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. EkansEkans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans, Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans.

    <img src="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/3/33286-175627-ekans2gif-620x.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

    Wrex's Plan

    We Krogan live for hundreds of years, so I've seen hundreds of spills in my life and a few of them were oil. I can't swim, but I could jump into the ocean and sink to the bottom. Then I can eat all of the animals, I don't mind if they're covered in oil, that just makes them slip down the throat easier. In fact, whenever I eat an Asari, I like to put a little oil all over her body and then lick up the excess so that she gets nice and tender. Oh, wait, that sounds dirty, sorry. Anyway, I might be able to plug up the leak with some Drell. Hey, Thane, you got a sec?

    <img src="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/3/33286-175627-UrdnotWrexjpg-620x.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

    Dr. Gordon Freeman's Plan

    I could whack it with this crowbar. Or maybe I could use the Zero G something, something Gun? Oh, I know, we could... Awww who am I kidding. I'm not a scientist, I'm a fraud. I got this degree online, oh God Lamarr hold me!

    <img src="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/3/33286-175627-gordonfreemanducttapejpg-620x.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" />

    Bobby Kotick's Plan

    If BP buys three thousand Guitar Hero game/controller packs (Guitar Hero games now ranging from only $59.99 to $60!) they can use them to plug the hole. However, there will be a monthly subscription required for continual use, about $15 a month. We can then station modern soldiers to guard the oil well, that too will cost $15 a month, plus a few dollars to keep the soldiers alive. Remember, Activision supports our men and women in uniform. Hey, Mike, how much food do our brave defenders of freedom need to survive? That much, huh? OK then, cut that in half and tell the senators to have them out tomorrow. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, let's build a Tony Hawk skate park so the poor animals and volunteers have a place to hang out and relax. There will be a $20 entrance fee, plus $10 for the optional exit fee. So what do you say? How about we sign the contract now.
    <img src="http://bulk.destructoid.com/ul/user/3/33286-175627-633682156239985564jpg-620x.jpg" border="0" class="linked-image" /><!--QuoteEnd--></div><!--QuoteEEnd-->
    <a href="http://www.destructoid.com/video-game-characters-solve-the-oil-spill-crisis-175627.phtml#ext" target="_blank">Source</a>
     
  2. Maplemage

    Member Maplemage ಠ_ಠ

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2008
    Messages:
    1,142
    Location:
    Why would you care?
    Country:
    Antarctica
    Uuuuuh......I like ekans the most =D Ekans Ekans, Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans-- Ekans Ekans -- Ekans Ekans. Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans, Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. EkansEkans Ekans. Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans: Ekans, Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. EkansEkans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans, Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans.
     
  3. Overlord Nadrian

    Banned Overlord Nadrian Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2008
    Messages:
    6,671
    Location:
    Riviera
    Country:
    Belgium
    Haha, that's pretty cool. [​IMG]
     
  4. Ritsuki

    Member Ritsuki ORAORAORAORA

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2008
    Messages:
    1,217
    Country:
    Switzerland
    I lol'd at the Kratos part :

     
  5. toguro_max

    Member toguro_max GBAtemp Fan

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2007
    Messages:
    380
    Location:
    São Vicente, Brazil
    Country:
    Brazil
    I laughed so much at the "Ode to Ekans" part, I could barely stop >-D
    Funnys stuff there.
     
  6. Maverick Lunar X

    Member Maverick Lunar X GBAtemp Fan

    Joined:
    May 5, 2009
    Messages:
    327
    Country:
    United States
    i was kinda hoping for a MGS2 reference, but still chuckled at most of them.
     
  7. dinofan01

    Member dinofan01 Misses the old days...

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2008
    Messages:
    2,842
    Country:
    United States
    lol. Those were surprisingly funny. But was the ekans intro necessary....especially with the creepy ekans horny anime! haha
     
  8. Slyakin

    Member Slyakin See ya suckers

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2008
    Messages:
    4,450
    Location:
    Soviet Slyakin
    Country:
    United States
    Or we could go with Snake's plan: stuff the oil burst with exclamation points.
     

Share This Page