There's something stuck in my chimney(18+ thread)

Discussion in 'The Edge of the Forum' started by iTech, Jul 18, 2007.

  1. iTech

    iTech GBAtemp Regular

    Jun 14, 2007
    United States
    I just came back from watching Harry Potter And The Half-Breed Phoenix with my retarded sister, my crackwhore mom, a stray Border Collie I dubbed Licey, and Jesus, who lives in my supplycloset and can't be trusted to be left alone lest he eats all the condiments I made last summer (I collect virgin hymen in jars and use them to top my homemade pizzas, which are made out of special Italian wholegrain rice from Naples, Prime Tomatoes cultivated on the rich soils of a small historic Ukranian village near Prypiat, and milk I squeeze out of lactating Russian prostitutes which are kept locked in me cellar)

    It was the first time I had left the house ever since the conviction of 7-years home-imprisonment I received after the toilet incident last month. My sister on the other hand had never seen a movie before. I'm not saying she has never been to the movies before, I'm saying she is not allowed to go anywhere near a TV because her gut is so wide it scrambles my TV-Anywhere's signal, leaving me with a dangerous HD Porn deficiency in my bedroom ('dangerous' according to lying hoes that WISH they were assaulted by me atleast. When a woman says "go away", it's just a way of saying "Take me now big guy!", atleast according to what my father taught me, who was strangled to death with an adams appel scarf by a bodybuilding tranny).
    We hadn't eaten in months since the doctor told us the only way to stop my sister from ravaging our trashbins for scraps and therebye sustaining her morbidly obese figure, was to ban all food in the house. So we immediatly bought a garbage-bag full of popcorn with our last money, which I secretely split between me and Licey in the women's bathroom before the movie started (because my mom isn't allowed in there) which was an easy thing to do since we still had about 6 hours to go before the movie started as we always depart 7 hours in advance before going anywhere, as the car is busted and has to be pushed all the way from home, yet today it miraculously started after it ran down the hill and hit a teenager whose bottle of vodka landed in the hole I shot through the rear which serves as a gastank (I dropped my keys in the real hole after using them to lock the cap - I was very high that morning). So this time, we didn't have to quietly get into the car in the parkinglot, get out again and scream "Everyone remember where we parked!" loud enough for everyone to hear just so we can brag that we have a working car; this time it actually did work!

    We didn't have to buy a ticket for Jesus, since he was arrested by immigration after he chased after some kids that stole one of his sandals and tumbled down the flight of stairs leading to the entrance of the theater leaving him as an easy target for the borderpatrol (Jesus is impervious to anything, except antipsychotics)

    I quite enjoyed the movie, especially when the very-deeply developed, excentric, and my personal favorite character, that guy with the hair from that movie I saw when I was high died a violent death.
    Also, the special effects didn't seem very believable or realistic to me, especialy the magic spells which were very unconvincing and looked artificial. About half-way into the movie, I noticed Licey was acting very strange. She started moaning in that particular manner dogs do when they notice something suspicious. He kept looking down the isle, but there was no one there nor was there anything out of the ordinary. Just a pile of corpses belonging to the people that somehow didn't understand that I was the owner of the ticket for that particular showroom and wanted to mooch off of the fact that there many empty seats in there (it clearly said "Showroom 13" on my ticket as well as the entrance!) Just because I hadn't brought any friends to see the movie with me (they can buy their own fucking tickets too!) doesn't mean you can come sit in my extra chairs!
    The dog stopped moaning, but the whole incident left me with a horrible gutfeeling something very bad was going to happen.

    The deserted parkinglot next to the highway was lit only slightly by a waning moon. The stench of gasoline permeated the air, and the sounds of cars racing by deafened my otherwise astute auditory capabilities. Perhaps it was the obfuscation of these primary senses, vision, audition and ... smellition that told me to be on on the highest of alerts. I thought about the hundreds of different horrible things that could happen to me at that moment, all inspired by movies since that was the mindset I was in at the moment. On the way to my car, I could walk into an iceberg that somehow snapped me in two by the waist before the diamond necklace I stole from some rich "classy" hoe could be pawned, a horrible skeleton riding a motorcyle could throw a sparkplug at my good eye so I wouldn't be able to see well enough to slash his throat, I could run into that horrific iceprincess with the weird eyes and horrible demonic witch-like grimacing face from the movie I just saw ("Hermione" or however ya spellz it), or my car could somehow start talking and use alien technology to transform itself into an even bigger piece of crap (If the calculations of the Ph.D. in Probability Theory I kidnapped to help me generate my own Wii Shop Pointcodes his calculations are wrong, and the car can be even crappier, that is).
    Suddenly, I saw the slightest hint of a silhouete standing 40 yards infront of me, doing nothing but staring at me quietly. Instinctively, I quickly swallowed the nickle hidden in the cavity in my molar so atleast I wouldn't die penniless.
    The shadowy figure waved, and made a deep growling sound when out of nowhere, a gigantic blob came rolling towards me.

    I immediately jumped into my car and stuffed Licey in the trunk next to the chocolate I kept as evidence eversince some bearded arabic muslim terrorists knocked on my door a year ago claiming they were "scouting for girls" and tried to sell me poisonous chocolate (I gave some to a guy I know that's on deathrow to test it for poison since he was gonna die anyways, and a week later BushTV showed the futile attempt of a team of doctors trying to revive him by injecting him with various different chemicals infront of an audience of possibly medical students, but he died live on TV shortly afterwards. Gay or Animal or whatever Rightsgroups later protested against what they called 'a cowardly execution' and that's why I was waiting for it all to blow over before I showed the feds the poisonous chocolate)
    Luckely the theather was located ontop of a hill because whatever the vodka did to my car to make it work, it didn't work anymore. Never trust an electric car! (The retarded car salesman/lawyer that sold me the car promised that it ran on Gas, but when I had to look for my mom's wallet one night after running her over and opening the hood, I saw there was a big-ass battery in there! Not only that, I asked that genius kid nextdoor to recharge it for me, and now he's dead!)

    Crashing through the streets at breakneckspeed, running over numerous small animals and never being able to shake that dark shadowy figure and that rlling blob he was with, I finally entered my hood.
    I didn't hesitate a second and called my late dead best friend Rocco Desanti's father, Tony Desanti and told him some big-ass mofo and a giant rotating blob was chasing me all accross town, and he told me that he was gonna make some calls and that I didn't have to worry about it and just go home.

    So I did, and everything was calm for about an hour or so, but now as I'm typing this I'm hearing this scratching/moaning sound coming out of my chimney!
    I allready called Tony again and he said "Don't worry. I'll spread the word and handle it. Go to sleep."

    Could it be that Tony Desanti wasn't able to deal with the situation? I doubt he lacks the power as about three minutes after I called him I switched on the TV and on GTV they allready interrupted one of my favorite shows "The Adventures Of Supergay" (it was the one where he becomes Supergay after throwing an employee out the window who then lands head-first into the ass of a tranny who was walking her dogs before being hit by a car while a satanic ritual was taking place at the exact same moment in time, causing the souls of the tranny and the nerdy employee to merge and float up into the officebuilding through the airvents and transfering itself to his body when he was smoking crack in the ventilated toilet, therebye becoming Supergay!)

    They even showed the detailed sketch I gave Tony! It's the first time my art was published! (Luckely I was able to replicate the
    fiend very realitically even in the hurry I was in, using my photographic memory and steady fingers)

    (I took a screenshot just incase any of you might recognise the assailant. I thight eighter he had a car for an arm, or he was standing *infront* of a car, and the other arm was eighter a streetsign, or a tennisracket, I couldn't make it out in the dark)

    Oh shit! A big piece of charred crap just fell down the chimney! I can hear two voices now, getting closer!
    I think I'm gonna have to cap it when one of them shows its face!

    Crap, I gave my last clip to those children that kept bugging me for bullets to hit with a hammer and nail to make fireworks! I don't have any dirty infected toilets around eighter that I can use as a club like last time, (all I got left now is my mom's Vagina! But she hides it somewhere in the backyard.)
    I know! My home-made exploding Jetpack! That'll teach that mofo who's da boss!

    I placed it in the chimney and lit it ...
    Wow! It blew up in the airspace above my house! There ain't no coming back from *that*!

    One just landed on my roof!

    I'm going outside to check it out.


    OMG It's HIDEOUS! It has a face that looks like one of them wrinkly-type bulldogs! The nose is just two holes going straight in the face! What the ? I think I saw something moving between its legs! It's A FUCKING SNAKE!
    Oh man this thing is ugly! The violent explosion could, mathemathically speaking, only have made it prettier!


    I found the blob! It's even more hiddous than the last one ... wait ... I think it's moving! Shit I'm getting back inside!

    Oh crap! the door shut itself somehow and I just stuck my last pair of keys in the ass of that monster to see if it was still alive ... I ain't touching that again!

    I keep knocking and yelling but neighter my mom nor my sister are letting me in!




    Oh shit I forget them down at the theater!!!

    Crap I'm going back to get them. Y'all wait here and don't worry about them showing up in your neighbourhood, those two monsters don't look like they will be getting very far.

    But where the f*ck did I last see them?

    Anyways, I'll keep y'all posted!
  2. pristinemog

    pristinemog GBAtemp Fan

    Dec 22, 2006
    United States
    Tampa, FL
    Oh. What?
  3. xcalibur

    xcalibur Gbatemp's Chocolate Bear

    Jun 2, 2007
    Sacred Heart

    awesome epic post once more

    your talented itech
  4. shadowboy

    shadowboy :D

    Aug 30, 2006
    United States
    Give me moar nao.

    Needs moar hentai
  5. ediblebird

    ediblebird GBAtemp Fan

    Aug 22, 2006
    [​IMG] [​IMG] great stuff
  6. Linkiboy

    Linkiboy GBAtemp Testing Area

    May 14, 2006
    United States
    Well I read up until spoilers, I'm going to Harry Potter eventually though, then read the rest of this.
  7. Extreme Coder

    Extreme Coder GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Nov 25, 2005
    Cairo, Egypt
    I definitely need an IQ check since when i began reading that, I thought it was someone's real life [​IMG]