Star Wars Episodes VII-IX
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I've just completely lost faith in the series. These days it's just another set of movies that suffer from what I call 'Twilight Syndrome', in that they mistake a pretty boy looking angsty for decent story telling. Let's look at the decline in quality, comparing the originals to the prequels. This'll get long so I'll whack it in spoilers, go ahead to the TLDR if you can't be arsed.
If things continue to degrade like they have already, appealing to the lowest common denominator, then frankly the new films will lick balls. I'll go see them, but only to see if I can spot any of the following:
- The starship Enterprise in the background of a space battle as a sly dig for the incident with the Falcon showing up in First Contact.
- Sora, Donald and Goofy sat in a Mos Eisley cantina.
- Ariel from the Little Mermaid in the background of an underwater scene.
- The inevitable musical number. And we all know what happens when Star Wars characters sing.
- Xehanort being the new Sith Lord. Voiced by Leonard Nimoy so...that actually could work.
- Romantic chemistry: Han and Leia VS Anakin and Padme. Han and Leia are a delight to watch because of the obvious spark there but the constant snide quips and putdowns (you stuck up half-witted scruffy looking nerf herder, etc) which were funny for the kids but the adults could enjoy lines like that too because of the tension building up through them. Anakin and Padme had no chemistry whatsoever, To this day I will skip through the infamous scene where he goes into Mega Angst Mode by the fire and says things that no self respecting man would be caught dead saying. Han and Leia worked because they felt organic, it felt like how real people would act and talk to each other when there are hidden feelings. Anakin...rapes my ears. It's that simple. These two were clearly chosen for their looks instead of any actual acting talent. It wouldn't kill you to shop around a bit and find people with both, you know.
- Comic relief: Wit and Sarcasm VS Puns and Pratfalls. The original trilogy's humour was driven by character interactions, mostly with Han. His sarcastic remarks towards the others and his wit drove quite a few scenes (boring conversation anyway, etc. Which I got to use at work today
) and were easily accessible to people from quite a wide age range. The prequels attempt humour mostly with Jar Jar for the Phantom Menace and the droids from then on. And it just fails. Jar Jar is legendarily annoying and to my mind is only involed in one funny scene (when Qui Gonn grabs his tongue), the rest of the time he's just falling over or being in danger when it contributes basically nothing to the scene. Example, when they first meet Anakin in Watto's store. Would that scene be diminished in any way by Jar Jar not suddenly trying to juggle things and falling over? As for the droids, we KNOW they're capable of contributing genuinely humourous remarks, like C3PO's 'How typical' remark when the door closes on him in Empire. It's funny, but it has depth to it. Being dragged along and saying 'this is such a drag' is PAINFULLY obvious. That whole scene is rife with crap puns from C3PO. When we know he can do better, as demonstrated repeatedly, especially in Empire (At least you're still in one piece! Look what happened to me!, etc.), it's mortifying to see him reduced to the lowest common denominator.
- Villains: Vader VS...well, Vader, really. Darth Vader in the original film is just a terrifying presence for the most part. He lacks depth until a remark from Tarkin about him being 'all that's left' of the Jedi, depth then enhanced by his relationship with Obi Wan. From that point on we know there's more to him than we know, and we're eager to find out more, which of course we do. Darth Maul on the other hand...he's just...there. Sure, he's cool, but aside from being there to fight what do we know about him? There's no depth, which makes him difficult to connect with. His only line of interest is about how 'at last they will have revenge', so maybe there WAS more to him, but we never find out. Darth Tyranus at least has the whole Fallen Jedi aspect going for him, suggesting the possibility that he does what he does because he thinks it's what's right. He had much more to him, hence he's a better character. Jango Fett only seemed to be there because Boba has such a huge and frankly inexplicable following. Think about it, Boba Fett tracks the Millenium Falcon, a task that could have easily been achieved if anyone on the bridge had thought to LOOK OUT OF THE FUCKING WINDOW, fires a few pot shots at Luke, says a few things to Vader which get brushed off, then fucks up and gets his ass handed to him by a blind man, falling into a giant hole in the ground despite having a fucking jetpack which we now know can be used for extended and controllable flight as Jango does so in his duel with Obi Wan. And as for Vader's big reveal scene where he cries like a whiny bitch and does one of the worst 'Nooooooooooo!'s I've ever heard (compare to that of Wyatt Earp in Tombstone, 'nuff said), I mean for fuck sake. Were you TRYING to piss us off? Well done, you succeeded admirably.
- Comic relief: Wit and Sarcasm VS Puns and Pratfalls. The original trilogy's humour was driven by character interactions, mostly with Han. His sarcastic remarks towards the others and his wit drove quite a few scenes (boring conversation anyway, etc. Which I got to use at work today
) and were easily accessible to people from quite a wide age range. The prequels attempt humour mostly with Jar Jar for the Phantom Menace and the droids from then on. And it just fails. Jar Jar is legendarily annoying and to my mind is only involed in one funny scene (when Qui Gonn grabs his tongue), the rest of the time he's just falling over or being in danger when it contributes basically nothing to the scene. Example, when they first meet Anakin in Watto's store. Would that scene be diminished in any way by Jar Jar not suddenly trying to juggle things and falling over? As for the droids, we KNOW they're capable of contributing genuinely humourous remarks, like C3PO's 'How typical' remark when the door closes on him in Empire. It's funny, but it has depth to it. Being dragged along and saying 'this is such a drag' is PAINFULLY obvious. That whole scene is rife with crap puns from C3PO. When we know he can do better, as demonstrated repeatedly, especially in Empire (At least you're still in one piece! Look what happened to me!, etc.), it's mortifying to see him reduced to the lowest common denominator.- Villains: Vader VS...well, Vader, really. Darth Vader in the original film is just a terrifying presence for the most part. He lacks depth until a remark from Tarkin about him being 'all that's left' of the Jedi, depth then enhanced by his relationship with Obi Wan. From that point on we know there's more to him than we know, and we're eager to find out more, which of course we do. Darth Maul on the other hand...he's just...there. Sure, he's cool, but aside from being there to fight what do we know about him? There's no depth, which makes him difficult to connect with. His only line of interest is about how 'at last they will have revenge', so maybe there WAS more to him, but we never find out. Darth Tyranus at least has the whole Fallen Jedi aspect going for him, suggesting the possibility that he does what he does because he thinks it's what's right. He had much more to him, hence he's a better character. Jango Fett only seemed to be there because Boba has such a huge and frankly inexplicable following. Think about it, Boba Fett tracks the Millenium Falcon, a task that could have easily been achieved if anyone on the bridge had thought to LOOK OUT OF THE FUCKING WINDOW, fires a few pot shots at Luke, says a few things to Vader which get brushed off, then fucks up and gets his ass handed to him by a blind man, falling into a giant hole in the ground despite having a fucking jetpack which we now know can be used for extended and controllable flight as Jango does so in his duel with Obi Wan. And as for Vader's big reveal scene where he cries like a whiny bitch and does one of the worst 'Nooooooooooo!'s I've ever heard (compare to that of Wyatt Earp in Tombstone, 'nuff said), I mean for fuck sake. Were you TRYING to piss us off? Well done, you succeeded admirably.
If things continue to degrade like they have already, appealing to the lowest common denominator, then frankly the new films will lick balls. I'll go see them, but only to see if I can spot any of the following:
- The starship Enterprise in the background of a space battle as a sly dig for the incident with the Falcon showing up in First Contact.
- Sora, Donald and Goofy sat in a Mos Eisley cantina.
- Ariel from the Little Mermaid in the background of an underwater scene.
- The inevitable musical number. And we all know what happens when Star Wars characters sing.
- Xehanort being the new Sith Lord. Voiced by Leonard Nimoy so...that actually could work.
Hey I just realized (yeah, I'm slow): Kingdom Hearts will (or should) now include Star Wars worlds. That series just got 20% more awesome.
And another game possibility: Kingdom Hearts Battlefront. 'Nuff said.
And another game possibility: Kingdom Hearts Battlefront. 'Nuff said.
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