Post Your Best Jokes

[Lee79]

Ok I will start.

A man lies on the bed waiting for his wife to get ready to go out when she walks in from the bathroom naked. She stands at the door and asks "What is it you love about me the most? My beautiful face or my sexy body?"
The man thinks for a second and responds "your Sense of humour"

 

[Taras]

How do you know when an auto mechanic just had sex?




One of his fingers is clean.

 

[Urza]

Can we post racist jokes?

 

[Lee79]

Can we post racist jokes?

I do not know but i would of thought not as this is a multinational forum.

 

[Azimuth]

Can we post racist jokes?


I do not know but i would of thought not as this is a multinational forum.

let him post, its always fun seeing someone get banned

 

[hanman]

racist jokes are cool! but only if they're about Alpha Centaurians

 

[Opium]

Can we post racist jokes?

Well you can post them but I ain't going to save you if people get annoyed. Keep things tame, these are only jokes after all.

 

[Lee79]

Yes i only started this thread for entertainment so keep as clean as you can as Opium said
"These are only jokes after all" Now where are the jokes?

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons. "I`ll make you a deal. I`ll open this alligator`s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He`ll then open his mouth and I`ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator`s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I`ll pay anyone $100 who`s willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I`ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

 

[kellyan95]

Life is pointless, existence is futile

 

[cheesyPOOF5]

Life is pointless, existence is futile

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

[MC DUI]

What's three foot long and fucks a chicken?






An axe.

 

[nintendofreak]

Ok, so a mother, father, his son and his daughter walk into a talent agents office...

 

[El-ahrairah]

An elderly couple are having their 50th wedding anniversary and go out to eat at the same restaurant they had their first date. After their meal the man says, "Hey, lets go out back and do what we did when we had our first date here!" The wife agrees and they go out back.

Soon a squad car rolls by and the driver see the couple leaning on the fence in the back, heaving and twitching. He says to his partner, "Hey, you see that? Think we should stop them?" His partner replies, "Naw, let them have their fun. We'll nab them when they're finished."

So afterwards the cops approach the elderly couple and one of them says, "Man, I have to hand it to you, you two were going at it for a hell of a long time. I hope I can do that when I'm your age! What's your secret?"

The elderly man pulls up his pants and says, "Well you see, the last time we did that here, this fence wasn't electrified!"

 

[dg10050]

Ok, so a dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

[moozxy]

Some people find these jokes lame but I reckon they're hysterical.

There were two muffins in an oven, one goes to the other "Wow it's hot in here" the other goes "ZOMG A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Why did the plane crash?
Cos the pilot was a tomato

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Cos she had no arms

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Cos someone threw a fridge at him

Why did the monkey fall off the tree?
Cos he was dead
Why did the second monkey fall off the tree?
Cos he was nailed to the first monkey
Why did the third monkey fall off the tree?
Cos he thought it was a game

Knock knock
Who's there?
Cowp
Cowp who?


LOL

 

[bobrules]

Johnny was walking home, half way there, he tripped

 

[Urza]

Most people find these jokes lame

Agreed.

 

[MaHe]

A pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs.
The barman asks: "You know you have a wheel stuck there?"
The pirate answers: "Yarr, it's driving me nuts."

 

[Urza]

A pirate walks in a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs.
The barman asks: "You know you have a wheel stuck there?"
The pirate answers: "Yarr, it's driving me nuts."

+1

This one is somewhat overused, but great nonetheless:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

[jaxxster]

lol nice!

Here's one of my favourites!

"Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice..

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"








The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."