Lost Friendship Advice (Serious Question)

[ceraphis]

lol the "users reading the topic" thing is maddening too. I really care alot about this topic so I appreciate all posts in reply and want to give all my specific replies at once and not to leave anybody thinking their words fell on deaf ears. Yeah, even the immature ones are entertaining at least

although I might not say anything in reply to them lol

 

[Issac]

well... I've been in a situation like this.... not really as bad, but similar.
and first of all: drop that "oh, I can't call her, what if i interrupt something?"-attitude to phone calls... If someone calls, it means someone want to tell you something... which generally is a good thing. If it is a bad point, the one being called can either deny the call, pick up and say that she's busy, or to be sure, you can ask yourself if you are interrupting something.

then, maybe she haven't read the mails... could be a possibility!
OR, she's depressed. I've been, and I didn't reply to emails, or messages or anything, even though I wanted... but every time I tried, nothing would come out from my head to write, so I just ignored it all.
Maybe she was in love with you (whether you knew it or not), and if your contact died for a while, it might have broken her heart. maybe making her depressed now.

Talking about this brings up emotions... I need to see my old friend soon! I've met her twice in two and a half year! and that's kinda bad, but when we meet, it's awesome!
To be honest, I was in love with her... and she went away to a university, which I also would've started. I didn't, and she dropped out. it was a 5 hour train ride one way between us, so we never got around meeting...
that was killing me. and then, she talked about all these new guys she started seeing, and sleeping with... and that killed me even more...
Maybe you've done something like that? got a girlfriend, told her anything she didn't want to know....

and for her birthday... Buy her a flower... not some plant.. but a bouquet... not 20 red roses... cause... that's what lovers do... but some nice beautiful ones... show up at her work, step right in and make a scene

that's something I think she'll enjoy. Co-workers will start asking questions (when you've leaved) , and she'll probably start remembering more and more good things and good times you've had... and finally melt away.

Ah, there.. hope it wasn't too much to read!

and that some of it can be useful! (but Please try anything of it, and don't come with excuses like "maybe I'll disturb"...)

 

[ceraphis]

lol just to have it be said I'm trying to write up my long, arduous responses and thoughts. Issac, you've got nothin on the length of a post I can write :-D and "too much to read" isn't an option for me on this thread. You have no idea

 

[ceraphis]

Finally, my over-analyzed and terribly long-winded replies have arrived. Hope someone's reading them! (seems like it so far )

Oy...it just seems so complicated to me. I've tried so hard to ignore lots of irrational things like this and what have you that I've thought about over the past few years...like there's some things you can never really know (like did she get the email? does she not want to talk?) about someone unless you ask them about it, awkward or not and face the possible consequences. I know that might not make too much sense without more detail but I'll leave it written anyway.

Alright let's see...ridgecity, one of the biggest problems is that we already had a "whats going on" conversation. It was very enjoyable, and it appeared that she wasn't "just being nice" for old time's sake or something. Also, I don't know if it could be as simple as showing up at her work to say hi or similar. It would be great if that worked, and I'm all for taking risks when they make sense, but that almost seems like friendship suicide to a degree. I'll explain why below.

Now I understand why you might say women don't answer emails. Or at least that she didn't feel the need to answer my second two. It's certainly crossed my mind. I mean, I did ask her for something specific in the first mail, her #, that would lead to continued conversation if I called her. And it was like the tone of laughing, fun times, "I'd love you to call!" too. What fails to make sense is how I should feel about the next two emails. All I can think about is how if she got the emails, if she was interested in talking to me more why wouldn't she have at least said SOMETHING.

OK! now haohmaru, I would love to visit her work. I just wish there wasn't this huge chance it could be taken the wrong way. Again, risks need to be taken, yada yada and such but I don't think I could deal with myself if I somehow actually SCARED her. Not that I'm like a scary guy or something, I'm a freakin teddy bear. but you have to admit, there are two ways that could pan out: 1. she is impressed by me in some way, and I've finally "broken the ice" or 2. She is scared in some way, and nothing I say or do could change that. Suffice it to say, I couldn't live with myself if anyone thought that of me, much less that mattered so much to me. It's like if you're a guy, skeevy looking or not, and you try to help a lost child. People could either thank you and write about you being a hero, or they could immediately think you're abducting the freakin kid. Oh and I do my fair share of gaming and boredom-removal, don't worry.

Issac, nobody should ever have to go through this but I'm glad you relate and you see why I think it's so bad. Believe me, I know I really need to get over the phone thing. I just have this problem where it never really feels right to give anybody a call. Especially when in the back of my mind something like IM seems so much more manageable. I mean damn, it drives me nuts when I think of how much easier it is to say the right thing when its just text. And you never have to really worry that you're annoying someone or they don't give a crap because they have full control over how much and how quickly they respond to what you say. But then you have some tradeoffs too, I'm sure anyone can come up with tons of ways the phone is better than IM.

I don't think I can get any amount of flowers for her that would convey the right thing without some weird meaning that I don't want her to think. I just wish she could know how important she and her friendship are to me, that I could show her with just the look in my eyes how much I care what she thinks about me.

 

[yuyuyup]

is this FRIENDSHIP or some lovey-dovey shit

 

[ceraphis]

lol yeah, I was expecting that question sometime. Just friendship. She just means a lot to me.

As a side note, I thought I loved a different girl from high school. But she broke my heart, but not really now that I think about it because I don't think I loved her. I actually talked a lot about that girl that I thought I loved with the girl I want to be friends with again.

I don't know if you guys can relate, but when I look back, high school was overly dramatic, but great for making and keeping in touch with friends.

 

[cory1492]

If she was like "I'd love you to call!" maybe she is assuming you have her number already? Phone book or 411 directory, anyone?

If you do nothing you will regret it more than if you do the wrong thing, and it would probably be more stressful to you to stay in this "comfort zone" of fibrillating and know you did, than it would be to go through what ever the worst wrong thing you could imagine would be. In the end, at least having whatever is worst (or possibly best, ever consider dwelling on that it could go really well instead? Law of attraction and all...) happen is a resolution.

IMHO friends that are worth seeing, are worth seeing anytime - regardless of how long it's been. I haven't come up with an exception yet. I have to say though, I have run into my share of snobby people who I was happy to see but their stuck up noses were like "picking up where we left off? It's been an entire month, I don't think so." The world, even mine, just doesn't revolve around them and that's a fact (aka: high maintenance friends who require massive bribes of your valuable time to consider you worthy

).

G.L. with whatever you decide to do, it sounds pretty important to you

 

[ceraphis]

cory, she specifically told me her number because I asked for it in the first email. What I meant by the whole "I'd love you to call" thing, was that it was like that but not exactly that. I dont really prefer talking so detailed about what she said so excuse my vagueness, but she laughed, told me an insignificant detail about calling and then : O) and her name. How is it possible to mean anything but friendliness by that.

Also, ignorance is bliss, dont I know it. But it really screws up friendships. How I wish I could have kept in regular touch and that I was at least more than almost a stranger being treated kindly by now. And I agree about the snobby friend thing, that wouldnt sit well with me being a strong proponent of forgiveness I guess? lol

 

[XT Mercenary]

Ok so I skimmed through this shit pretty quickly and well if she's just a friend i don't see what all the drama is about pick up the phone!!! and chat some shit!!!

"hi sarah (example name)"
you say "what you up to? havn't spoke to you in time...."

shes giggles and says "yeah, thats cause you never call."

you say some bullshit like "I've been travelling with some friends, haven't had a chance" or maybe even come up with something true

she might ask you where etc etc... make out that it was legend......ary

then say your going to out on friday with some friends, (best place would be a quiet bar then club) and that she should come (if she sounds a bit funny here tell her to bring friends) just make sure you got some friends to distract her friends.

Then you do the whole conversation dancing thing.

If she doesn't wanna go then just forget about it at least you tried, you obviously don't mean as much to her as she means to you. If she does decide to talk to you in a few days time then you still know its on!!!

work from there everyone is different.

 

[ceraphis]

haha I really do need to do the barney line
Where? I dunno but it was legen....wait for it...

DARY

 

[pacha69]

omg, you ask for her phonenbr and in the end you are too scary to call ........

Maybe she is thinking, why reply to his mails, if he has my phonenbr....

Just my 2 eurocents

 

[ceraphis]

well my mind works in mysterious and maddeningly, completely stupid ways.

Good point, though

 

[RayorDragonFall]

Ok,

Time for me to chip in:
Your thinking way too much. I know what it's like, getting paranoid and everything, but thats not going to sort it out most of the time.
Look, she gave you her number for a reason. Use it as an excuse to call her: "Oh well, now I have your number I thought maybe we could hang out sometime, blah bla blaaaah".
Seriously, it's not that hard if you think of her as a real friend. I mean, I haven't seen this girl thats like in uni now (good few years older than me) that I used to study with, so I emailed her. She's your friend, even if you haven't seen her in years. I consider a lot of people that I've lost contact to be friends, meaning, if they were here right now, I wouldn't brush them off, I'd want it to be like it was before. And anyways, if you email her, it's TEXT man, it's not like you're proposing to her or something.

 

[yuyuyup]

I know this idea might seem a little "outside the box," but you COULD always mail her a noose every week

 

[Linkiboy]

this seems more like "lovey-dopey shit" 9as yuyuyup gracefully put it), and you are lying to yourself(?). If you really was just a friend, you wouldn't be nervous. I liked a girl in school and I still have trouble thinking of what to say. But I have other friends who are just girls and I just strike up a conversation with the hit of three keyboard keys: "hey"

 

[MrDunk]

Try sending her an actual letter, I don't know why, but chicks seem to dig when you take the time to write to them. I guess they think its more thoughtful. Well for whatever the reason it works believe me!

 

[ceraphis]

yeah. I know it sounds that way linkiboy and indirectly yuyuyup, and I dont really know what to say about it. Alot of things happened before we each went to different college, all stuff that I'd rather not talk about although i remember every freakin detail and could write an extensive book about it. I'm cursed with a very amazingly good memory. Others might be able to block out things when they bring TOO MUCH nostalgia...not me. It's all there, waiting to be reviewed whenever I want.

I know its not very important, and be prepared for a detailed analogy, but I guess the best way to describe how it seems is like the cliche movie idea in the vein of "Click" or the pensieve in Harry Potter, where you can look into your past at every memory, good or bad. But for me, its like its all stored on rotted VHS tape, that doesn't play on a TV or controllable (obviously, thatd be too awesome) and the most you will get if you rip the tape out and stare at it or try to reproduce it is a barely worth-it faded image that is hard to decipher. But then, you realize that on every VHS tape, rotten as they all are, is a whole crapload of crisp perfectly clear writing. It's got dates, main points of what goes on, ideas about what went well or went horribly wrong, ways things have changed since then....essentially everything you can think of to describe the video, but no actual video to watch. And you can't throw the freakin worthless tapes away.

Anyway, the point of that ranting analogy was that unless I'm wrong and I don't know if I am, that's the type of things that bubble to the surface every so often in me. Even the unimportant things. Like, I will recall some detail in a conversation with someone about something that happened months or years ago as if it were nothing. Lots of times, they'll have no clue what I'm talking about and I'll hate myself for possibly sounding like I've gone cuckoo or even a stalker. But its really just the damn VHS tapes Ive got shoved up there in my brain. Funny and off-topic, but its kinda sad how math or studies never get much room up there before exams.

Ok so, uh...to sum up that rant, I'm cursed like that and it pisses me off. But whatever, I've been doin' OK. But then I start to try to get in touch with people every so often. And I'm sure they'd love to chat me up sometimes. But they have no idea just how much they mean to me, in a completely senseless and indescribable to anybody else kinda way. And I think about all that crap, and then get pissed at the whple dang thing and just ignore that every-so-often desire to talk to the friends that have meant the most to me over the years.

So, what to do? Aside from "try to ignore that tardness and don't be a pu$$y" which I admit is great advice at this point, and don't the most complicated questions in life have the simplest answers?

Lol feel free to tell me how insane I am. Don't I know it!

 

[ceraphis]

BTW it'd be hella cool if I had a good friend who I wrote actual letters back and forth to lol

 

[Linkiboy]

"on't the most complicated questions in life have the simplest answers?"

but this isnt a complicated situation

 

[ceraphis]

true but i make it complicated with mah ramblins