well, school just ended a few days ago, and that was a physically, mentally and emotionally draining day, but that was expected so not a big deal.

when my girlfriend graduated the principal was reading out what she hopes to achieve in her life, the girl next to me laughed at her dreams. I felt like knocking her out, but I did nothing, I guess I'd say at this point my day went downhill from here...

my girlfriend btw, was here (new zealand) for 2 years from japan, I started going out with her this year after deciding I'd return to school for my senior year just well.. for her >_> we started going out about 6 months ago and it was great
shes a great girl, beautiful, smart, funny, and loves video games, what more could I want? needless to say being with her was the happiest time of my life.

but I knew she was going back to japan this year (in 2 days actually) so I made sure to make the most of every moment, no regrets.

k, so back to the last day of school, everyone's graduated and we head back to our common room to trash the place, fun.
after that me and a few friends go bowling.. talk about the year, I remain distant coz I just found it all very... 'season finale'..
games over, I didnt win, I get a ride home, wait a few hours until the graduation dinner and off me and my parents go.

at this point I notice Im feeling pretty crap, just really exhausted in every way, but whatever I sit down order the steak, introduce my girlfriend to my parents, talk to her mum who flew down for the next few days and hang with my friends this all went smoothly despite feeling a bit off and we head to the after party.

I get a 15 pack of beer coz the liquor store's closed and theres no vodka at the supermarket, arrive at the party, sit down and start drinking my beer.. after 4 cans Ive given up. I cant stand beer, tastes like shit and I already dont feel well, plus since beer usually gives me a hangover I decide its not worth it, I stop drinking.
I spend most of this party sitting down, talking to whoever wants to get some reason to remember me, I dont give them anything.
infact the last 2 or 3 years Ive noticed I really shut myself off socially, I used to have a lot of friends, infact I'd say I still do, just I really dont talk to them much at all, I'd go through complete days only speaking to a few of them, one day I just sort of thought I was too good for them (and really to most of them I am) but I just brought myself down in reality.

so yeah, back at the party I just sit there most of the time, watching my friends dance and stuff and I watch sakura (my GF), she doesnt look too happy.. very few of her friends are there and shes stuck talking to people she doesnt really know, so I go for a walk with her, I ask her how shes doing.. she says shes sad but ok, we talk a little more, kiss and head back

I return to my seat, and return to watching

after a few more hours, sakura calls a taxi, she says her final goodbyes to everyone and recieved a surprisingly emotional send off, once shes said goodbye to everyone I walk her to the road to wait for the taxi, she starts crying and I just kept walking with her trying to calm her down.. at about this point she seemed very distant from me
I kept my arms around her but she did nothing to embrace me, she just held her head to catch her tears she kept walking which was kinda awkward, but I guess she just wanted to get away because she was so sad.. fair enough really.. so we waited for the taxi.. and about a minute before it arrived, she said we should break up.

I mean, I knew this was coming, but I figured she'd want to wait until she gets on the plane. so Im shocked, i just stared at her and begged 'no, we should wait till the minute you leave' she just said 'its too hard.. just too hard' she gave me one last kiss and got in the taxi, she sat down and it drove away while she cried and I just watched her leave

so.. I hang out infront of the party by myself trying to get my head cleared.. after a while I head back and ask one of my friends if they wanna split a taxi, he says in an hour or so, so I sit back down and watch.

and now, one girl is very drunk, she sees me sitting, asks whats wrong, I said nothing, shoot down a conversation etc. and she carries on, then after a few minutes she sees me again and says "get up and fight!" then punches me in the face
and I was just shocked, first of all she was actually one of my friends, i know her quite well, and after saying goodbye to sakura i just didnt know what to even think. so I just sat there letting her punch me, after a while two of her friends decided I'd need protecting (sexy protecting) and started climbing allover me, getting a face full of cleavage from one and a lapdance from another I still wasnt really there.. and so after about 30 minutes of this crap continuing she calms down and these girls stay sitting with me, telling me how hot I am, do I want to see her breasts etc, I told them Im sober, theyre drunk and Im going home soon.

finally my friend is ready to leave, but he wants to walk some of the way, so we walk for about 30 mins, he asked me what was with sakura and me, I said 'nothing.. just that that may be the last time I see her" and he was like "what!? should we go find her? thats fucked up man" and I just said nah.. I dont even know where she's staying now that her mums here.. he also told me hes noticed I really changed in the last few years, that Ive become really anti-social, I have actually been told this many times before.. and I always liked it.. making people have to work to get to know me, and those that do have to work to maintain knowing me.. just a fucked up power trip really.
so I just said, i know Ive changed, and if I was a retard, I'd probably be a goth.. he laughs, we continue walking
eventually we get to a good intersection, call a taxi and I go home.

I go home, see the letter I wrote sakura to read on the plane and i just felt like dying.. then I got ready for bed, took off the necklace she gave me and I felt like dying again, jumped into bed, saw all this other stuff she gave me on the table and felt like dying.. couldnt stop thinking about her and how I could fix all this shit.. eventually I got to sleep

next day I woke up about 12ish, first holiday why the hell not?
i walked down to the dairy and topped up my phone, and I txt sakura, simply telling her that I missed her
she replied saying sorry about last night, shes confused and scared, she has gotten so comfortable here she doesnt know how to handle leaving
so I feel kinda relieved, shes sorry and scared, I can understand that, infact it made me feel a lot better.
so I told her its okay, i understand shes scared and that I want to be with her before she leaves to keep her calm..

she said she just cant handle seeing me before she leaves, and that its over

and Im back to feeling like shit

I asked her if I could see her at the airport just before she leaves, she said she cant handle seeing me, I ask how am I going to give her the letter I wrote, and that I cant keep it because its killing me, she doesnt reply, I tell her I'll spend the night at the airport since I dont know the time of her flight, she begs me not to go

at this point I sort of stepped back and assessed this.

she doesnt want to see me, no matter what I say.. am I being selfish in that Ive been so socially and emotionally distant and that Im demanding too much of her and shes just too vulnerable to her emotions?
I cant tell.. on one hand I feel like Im wasting so much letting this end over fucking txts
and on the other I feel like Im being a dick when shes already so scared about the future.. the last thing she probably needs is me coming and making it so much more emotional..

so I replied ok, I wont come, I still love you, I'll never forget you and I want to tell you that I came back to school this year for you

she replied thank you, thank you for understanding, I'll never forget you too

after this I immediately felt sick, I went to the bathroom and vomited mostly blood about 5 times.. pretty freaked out.. I thought back and how tied up my stomach has felt the last two days- all Ive eaten was that steak. after vomiting, i feel like its all over. and I dont just mean sakura

I want to return to normal and stop shutting people out so I can make the most of this life. I realised with sakura gone I dont have anyone I can tell this to who wouldnt be shocked that Im sharing so much...

so why am I posting it here? this is one of the forums I dont know really anyone that well.. and i want to let it out, just so atleast one person knows my experience..

it was the worst day or so of my life, the events of what I expected in a month happened in a few hours, I havent felt so emotional in years, I havent cried in years and it all seems worth it now coz I just feel so different.


I remember past students telling me everything seems to change on the last day of school and I was just expecting a feeling of loneliness once everyones gone and that I'll be finally moving into a new routine.. which is all I think changed for them.
but for me things were different I think, I realised I need to stop shutting people out once the only girl I loved has gone and Ive got no one to share it with...


so yeah, its been the wierdest last few days of my life and I feel like a different person, I just need to get it out and I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all this



edit-
wow, I dont even feel like i posted this