Life

[.TakaM]

well, school just ended a few days ago, and that was a physically, mentally and emotionally draining day, but that was expected so not a big deal.

when my girlfriend graduated the principal was reading out what she hopes to achieve in her life, the girl next to me laughed at her dreams. I felt like knocking her out, but I did nothing, I guess I'd say at this point my day went downhill from here...

my girlfriend btw, was here (new zealand) for 2 years from japan, I started going out with her this year after deciding I'd return to school for my senior year just well.. for her >_> we started going out about 6 months ago and it was great
shes a great girl, beautiful, smart, funny, and loves video games, what more could I want? needless to say being with her was the happiest time of my life.

but I knew she was going back to japan this year (in 2 days actually) so I made sure to make the most of every moment, no regrets.

k, so back to the last day of school, everyone's graduated and we head back to our common room to trash the place, fun.
after that me and a few friends go bowling.. talk about the year, I remain distant coz I just found it all very... 'season finale'..
games over, I didnt win, I get a ride home, wait a few hours until the graduation dinner and off me and my parents go.

at this point I notice Im feeling pretty crap, just really exhausted in every way, but whatever I sit down order the steak, introduce my girlfriend to my parents, talk to her mum who flew down for the next few days and hang with my friends this all went smoothly despite feeling a bit off and we head to the after party.

I get a 15 pack of beer coz the liquor store's closed and theres no vodka at the supermarket, arrive at the party, sit down and start drinking my beer.. after 4 cans Ive given up. I cant stand beer, tastes like shit and I already dont feel well, plus since beer usually gives me a hangover I decide its not worth it, I stop drinking.
I spend most of this party sitting down, talking to whoever wants to get some reason to remember me, I dont give them anything.
infact the last 2 or 3 years Ive noticed I really shut myself off socially, I used to have a lot of friends, infact I'd say I still do, just I really dont talk to them much at all, I'd go through complete days only speaking to a few of them, one day I just sort of thought I was too good for them (and really to most of them I am) but I just brought myself down in reality.

so yeah, back at the party I just sit there most of the time, watching my friends dance and stuff and I watch sakura (my GF), she doesnt look too happy.. very few of her friends are there and shes stuck talking to people she doesnt really know, so I go for a walk with her, I ask her how shes doing.. she says shes sad but ok, we talk a little more, kiss and head back

I return to my seat, and return to watching

after a few more hours, sakura calls a taxi, she says her final goodbyes to everyone and recieved a surprisingly emotional send off, once shes said goodbye to everyone I walk her to the road to wait for the taxi, she starts crying and I just kept walking with her trying to calm her down.. at about this point she seemed very distant from me
I kept my arms around her but she did nothing to embrace me, she just held her head to catch her tears she kept walking which was kinda awkward, but I guess she just wanted to get away because she was so sad.. fair enough really.. so we waited for the taxi.. and about a minute before it arrived, she said we should break up.

I mean, I knew this was coming, but I figured she'd want to wait until she gets on the plane. so Im shocked, i just stared at her and begged 'no, we should wait till the minute you leave' she just said 'its too hard.. just too hard' she gave me one last kiss and got in the taxi, she sat down and it drove away while she cried and I just watched her leave

so.. I hang out infront of the party by myself trying to get my head cleared.. after a while I head back and ask one of my friends if they wanna split a taxi, he says in an hour or so, so I sit back down and watch.

and now, one girl is very drunk, she sees me sitting, asks whats wrong, I said nothing, shoot down a conversation etc. and she carries on, then after a few minutes she sees me again and says "get up and fight!" then punches me in the face

and I was just shocked, first of all she was actually one of my friends, i know her quite well, and after saying goodbye to sakura i just didnt know what to even think. so I just sat there letting her punch me, after a while two of her friends decided I'd need protecting (sexy protecting) and started climbing allover me, getting a face full of cleavage from one and a lapdance from another I still wasnt really there.. and so after about 30 minutes of this crap continuing she calms down and these girls stay sitting with me, telling me how hot I am, do I want to see her breasts etc, I told them Im sober, theyre drunk and Im going home soon.

finally my friend is ready to leave, but he wants to walk some of the way, so we walk for about 30 mins, he asked me what was with sakura and me, I said 'nothing.. just that that may be the last time I see her" and he was like "what!? should we go find her? thats fucked up man" and I just said nah.. I dont even know where she's staying now that her mums here.. he also told me hes noticed I really changed in the last few years, that Ive become really anti-social, I have actually been told this many times before.. and I always liked it.. making people have to work to get to know me, and those that do have to work to maintain knowing me.. just a fucked up power trip really.
so I just said, i know Ive changed, and if I was a retard, I'd probably be a goth.. he laughs, we continue walking
eventually we get to a good intersection, call a taxi and I go home.

I go home, see the letter I wrote sakura to read on the plane and i just felt like dying.. then I got ready for bed, took off the necklace she gave me and I felt like dying again, jumped into bed, saw all this other stuff she gave me on the table and felt like dying.. couldnt stop thinking about her and how I could fix all this shit.. eventually I got to sleep

next day I woke up about 12ish, first holiday why the hell not?
i walked down to the dairy and topped up my phone, and I txt sakura, simply telling her that I missed her
she replied saying sorry about last night, shes confused and scared, she has gotten so comfortable here she doesnt know how to handle leaving
so I feel kinda relieved, shes sorry and scared, I can understand that, infact it made me feel a lot better.
so I told her its okay, i understand shes scared and that I want to be with her before she leaves to keep her calm..

she said she just cant handle seeing me before she leaves, and that its over

and Im back to feeling like shit

I asked her if I could see her at the airport just before she leaves, she said she cant handle seeing me, I ask how am I going to give her the letter I wrote, and that I cant keep it because its killing me, she doesnt reply, I tell her I'll spend the night at the airport since I dont know the time of her flight, she begs me not to go

at this point I sort of stepped back and assessed this.

she doesnt want to see me, no matter what I say.. am I being selfish in that Ive been so socially and emotionally distant and that Im demanding too much of her and shes just too vulnerable to her emotions?
I cant tell.. on one hand I feel like Im wasting so much letting this end over fucking txts
and on the other I feel like Im being a dick when shes already so scared about the future.. the last thing she probably needs is me coming and making it so much more emotional..

so I replied ok, I wont come, I still love you, I'll never forget you and I want to tell you that I came back to school this year for you

she replied thank you, thank you for understanding, I'll never forget you too

after this I immediately felt sick, I went to the bathroom and vomited mostly blood about 5 times.. pretty freaked out.. I thought back and how tied up my stomach has felt the last two days- all Ive eaten was that steak. after vomiting, i feel like its all over. and I dont just mean sakura

I want to return to normal and stop shutting people out so I can make the most of this life. I realised with sakura gone I dont have anyone I can tell this to who wouldnt be shocked that Im sharing so much...

so why am I posting it here? this is one of the forums I dont know really anyone that well.. and i want to let it out, just so atleast one person knows my experience..

it was the worst day or so of my life, the events of what I expected in a month happened in a few hours, I havent felt so emotional in years, I havent cried in years and it all seems worth it now coz I just feel so different.


I remember past students telling me everything seems to change on the last day of school and I was just expecting a feeling of loneliness once everyones gone and that I'll be finally moving into a new routine.. which is all I think changed for them.
but for me things were different I think, I realised I need to stop shutting people out once the only girl I loved has gone and Ive got no one to share it with...


so yeah, its been the wierdest last few days of my life and I feel like a different person, I just need to get it out and I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all this

edit-
wow, I dont even feel like i posted this

 

[teh_raf3]

It's good to let things out, if you keep this for yourself then you'll feel even more like shit. But this is life, shit happens, try to get in touch with your friends again. It's really important in life to have friends that care, otherwise there isn't much to live for.

I hope you'll feel better soon.

 

[.TakaM]

it feels great to let it out, even if its just on the internet.
I dont feel too bad anymore, perhaps because Ive commited the next few days 100% to working on a fun game

 

[CacheSyntax]

For the most part, with the exception of vommiting blood, eating a steak and drinking beer... I know exactly what you mean.

For the past few weeks, I've felt... disconnected. As much as I hate to say it, I feel like there is a "splinter in my mind", like something's not exactly right.

I don't know, I can't pinpoint it. I basically spend most of my time alone, damn near brooding even.

I just want to reconnect.

 

[rayden]

I hope you'll feel better soon as well! I also felt kind of lost after finishing school, but after all it was the end of one (amazing) chapter and the beginning of a new one.

It's sad you had to break up with your girlfriend so soon. Isn't there a way to see her in the future?

 

[.TakaM]

Im sure we'll keep in touch, but I doubt we'll ever meet again, she has a lot waiting for her in japan and I dont really want to leave my country, I love it here, plus the realist in me knows its a bit extreme to travel overseas for a highschool girlfriend.

but keeping in touch, we used to meet, talk on the phone/msn every day, but when she arrives in japan I dont know if I want to keep in touch with her.. I mean I do what to remain friends ofcourse.. but after a while she'll meet someone and want to tell me, right now I feel like thats not something I'd ever want to talk about with her.. time will tell

 

[decript]

Rough to hear that. Hope you feel better and that blood thing isn't anything serious. It's good to let it out, especially here, most are good people.

 

[sPiLiTz]

man... you have serious issues you need to work out

if you vomit blood because of some ridiculous addiction, you need help

all i can say

 

[CacheSyntax]

man... you have serious issues you need to work out

if you vomit blood because of some ridiculous addiction, you need help

all i can say

You know what happens when you assume something, right?

And, considering that's "all you could say", it's best if you didn't say anything at all.

 

[.TakaM]

man... you have serious issues you need to work out

if you vomit blood because of some ridiculous addiction, you need help

all i can say

so Im addicted to heroine or I eat glass?

 

[sPiLiTz]

addiction is addiction

ad·dic·tion Pronunciation (-dkshn)
n.
1.
a. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance

think we all know what the substance in this scenario is

 

[safariman72]

man... you have serious issues you need to work out

if you vomit blood because of some ridiculous addiction, you need help

all i can say

so Im addicted to heroine or I eat glass?

Don't worry about the blood unless it gets really often and lot but get yourself to the quacks and get it checkwed anyways. Whats probably happened is with vomiting so much you have burst some minor blood vessels near the surface of your throat or on the way down to you stomach.

Your friends should understand and in their own way the two on the night of the party did try to cheer you up. Not to sure about the punching one tho, yes you're gonna feel like sh*t, it supposed to be like that. If it wasn't good you wouldn't feel crap.

Look back on what you had, enjoy the memories and don't dwell on the ending, You could always try keeping in touch as a close friend and see what happens from there.

I'm not gonna say it'll get better because you will always think of what you're missing or have missed. It will however get less painful but the feelings will always be there, that cannot be changed.

Pick yourself up and soldier on. There is always a slim chance she could come back.

All the Best.

 

[kingeightsix]

TIME

 

[CacheSyntax]

addiction is addiction

ad·dic·tion Pronunciation (-dkshn)
n.
1.
a. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance

think we all know what the substance in this scenario is

You can vomit blood from having an ulcer as well, which is most likely what occured.

Seriously, stop insinuating that .TakaM is some sort of substance abuser.

 

[- Wrath of God -]

Heh, man I know exactly how you feel. My story's a bit different and very long, so I'll cut it down.

Basically, one of my close friends' gf's started liking me, and so after they broke up she asked me out. And so I said why not cause I really liked her too. So I got my ass kicked. So next day she tells me she loves me (yea right). So after two months of being scared for my car and house (I have some crazy friends), she tells me she doesn't love me anymore and wants to stay friends. So I said sure, once I get over her, cause I really REALLY liked her. So then she goes and gets back together with her ex-boyfriend who has the sorts of issues I don't feel like discussing right now (and not just psychological ones). And I'm pretty sure I'm better than him in every possible way. So I got pissed at her and wrote her a message to which my best friend's commentary was "You should write books." And I'm glad that I pissed her off cause I felt like shit because of her for weeks. Thankfully, I'm over her, and hate her guts. And those of her boyfriend.

Basically, I did this to myself, and I separated from a lot of my good friends, because I made them choose sides. Funny thing tho, that guy, her boyfriend, while she and I were going out, he constantly called her a slut. And he just said sorry and all was forgiven. And that just pisses me off.

But now that I'm in college, it's a place of new opportunities and I've made a lot of new friends. So thank god my high school life is over. It was a pain in the ass.

 

[Bitbyte]

Mm, post made me feel a bit sad :/. That's a lot of shit to endure in some hours. Best of luck to ya! And you'll surely meet new ppl once you open up

 

[mthrnite]

I'll refrain from commenting on the "life" stuff right now.
Main thing is, go see a doctor and get yourself checked out.
The blood thing could be something simple or something serious.
Best not take a chance that it's the latter. So do it quick.

As for the other, it sounds like the persona you developed during school is starting to crack. This is a defined "next step" time in your life and in addition to dropping some baggage, you'll be dropping some armour too. That's disconcerting, but neccesary. Like a bug shedding his top layer, you'll probably need to find a safe spot to let your new shell harden. Usually friends help a lot here, but if you've been aloof for as long as you say, you'd probably need a pretty good understanding friend to help you through the transition. I think maybe that friend left on the plane. So do what you can to keep in touch with her, talk with her, and let her through to you. She'll be going through stuff too, and maybe the rapport you develop can be helpful to both of you. It may also ease her pain of what looks like a hard departure from you.

Ok, so the first thing... get to a doctor, I wanna reiterate that.

The other stuff is just something to think about, since by not knowing you, I may be waay off base in my assesment. I'm willing to bet that you are above average in smarts, talent, and looks. That's a good combo to have to be sure, but ego plays a complicated role in grouping all those thing together. A very good friend could help in that process, acting as a sounding board for you to help manage and form yourself.

 

[ugly_rose]

I agree with the above poster and I have to say I could recognize myself in some of the various things that you spoke of ".TakaM".

It looks as if you're in need of a mentor of some sort, and yeah, it could be your old girlfriend as "mthrnite" figures.

I found mine, a "spiritual mother", being just a couple of years older than me, but who has been such a tremendous help to me to open up my life and grow. I will probably remain close to her for as long as I live, as continuity in this kind of mentorship is essential. And as mthrnite said in his apt metaphors, it is important to have this place, this safe spot, where you can "let your new shell harden".

I hope my words can add up to be of some help to you, and I also wish you good luck with the eventful life that lies ahead of you.

 

[Tamyu]

You know, your story sounds like the absolute opposite of mine.

I went to Japan during high school (Well, actually after - I graduated at 16 and went to Japan then as a between-student, not high school, not college) , met a great guy and we dated for a while until it was time for me to leave (ie. my visa ran out)... I just wanted to run, detach myself from the situation, etc. He was pretty devastated, cried, threw up, etc when I left.

I think you`ll eventually come to terms with how you *really* want your life to be. While in school, it`s all just a sort of a game, quite honestly. Nothing REALLY matters - of course it does, but it`s really short term when it comes to the rest of your life. For me, that stage was really huge at the time.... But now 10 years later I wish I`d lifted myself above all of it and seen what life really was.

The end of school is really the end of childhood and irresponsibility. Somewhere deep inside you probably are dealing with that more than anything else. Losing your girlfriend is just adding to all of it.


Oh, and by the way, a year later I went back to Japan, met up with my boyfriend and we eventually got married. The most important thing is taking initiative in your life to push it in the direction you want to go... The pursuit of happiness.
The hardest thing is figuring out what will make you happy, and I think you`re at the point where you really don`t know.

/26 year old (who doesn`t really feel like she`s changed that much from 16) signing out.

 

[.TakaM]

thanks for all taking the time to read my post, and thanks for all the great advice I really appreciate it all.
a lot of what you said, mthrnite, ugly rose and tamyu really made me think, cant thank you enough.

firstly, about the blood, I haven't thrown up since that night infact I haven't felt sick since then, and like I said I felt kinda.. cleansed after vomiting, i figured coz my stomach was tied up for two days I didn't really feel hungry which made everything just wear me out more, and then the stress just made me snap I guess
having a mentor, ugly rose, was something I was actually thinking about a week or so ago, two of my older brothers used to live here with me until going to live over seas a few months ago, looking back I would consider them my mentors, I still have two older brothers here that I look up to.. but they're not really like my mentors, kinda hard to explain. anyways, I came to think I don't really need one, there are a few people I know online who I'd consider my mentors in various aspects.. but I feel like I need someone to move ahead with, would've been sakura and now I guess it will be one of my friends

Ive been thinking about calling sakura today, or perhaps just txting her to wish her a safe flight and hopefully get a conversation.. but I still feel like i should just leave her alone like she asked.. I guess I'll wait for her to touch down in japan..

and tamya, thats really great to hear you flew back and married your boyfriend