Killing Thread


Happy Child Molestor Month!!
May 4, 2018
United States
First, I'll set up the room. A nice Asian buffet, with sushi served as fresh as when it was in the ocean, chicken with every sauce you could imagine, a couple of rice cookers filled to the brim with each color, and, for some reason, a couple of slices of pizza in the corner.
The key feature of the buffet is the soy sauce fountain in the middle. If you've ever watched some of the older Homestar Runner videos, you'd know that soy sauce has a small amount of alcohol in it. Since I'm not old enough to drink, and I'm addicted to salt, the soy sauce fountain will be a great help in my plan.
Then, I'll call you up and ask if you'd like to talk about stuff at "this Chinese buffet that just opened down the street". When you come in, I'll have my reanimated little sister greet the two of us and bring us to our table. While we get our food, it might be a bit too easy to notice that I'm drenching all of my food into that soy sauce fountain. If you point it out, I'll mention that I really, really like salt.
As we eat our food and discuss whether WNCEP and the Meme Box are good, I'll have the silverware on standby. That knife will come in handy.
You may be thinking that it'll be noticeable when I get drunk by how I speak. The thing is, however, I always stay up super late and as a result, I'm perpetually tired. It won't be as easy as you'd think.

Now for the murder. When I'm sufficiently smashed, I'll walk up, knife in hand, saying that I need to use the bathroom. I'll go around the table, but in just such a way that I end up right beside you. With a flick of the wrist, my knife will slash straight through your shoulder. Perhaps you'll get up and try to run away, but all doors will be locked, courtesy of my sister. Once I catch up to you, I'll jam my knife straight into your heart, and leave a fake check right on top of your corpse. My sister will unlock the doors, I'll call an Uber, and my mission will be complete - perhaps at the cost of a few fingers and ludicrously high blood pressure.
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