I'm Black!

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic Chat' started by iTech, Mar 26, 2008.

  1. iTech

    iTech GBAtemp Regular

    Jun 14, 2007
    United States

    Remember me?
    No? WTF is wrong with you?
    Still don't know who the shit I am?

    I'm fatherfucking iTech! AKA Mike The Spike! Did y'all miss me? Off course you did, even I would miss me. I did actually, miss myself, when I tried to commit suicide with a machine gun many months ago. It took twelve clips before a pellet grazed my left ear, and several surrounding guilty victims died in the process (The plan was to commit suicide as a protest against high-school shootings, in the hallways of a local high-school. I would then use the resulting media attention to start a career in Gangster Rap. The plan wasn't very good, but hey, at least it sucked)
    This was what I had in mind for cover art for my first album "Another Bullet-hole In The Wall";

    Or maybe this;

    At any rate, I ended up in prison. A gigantic black mofo with an enormous dangling mutated penis (don't ask how I know) became my cellmate (he's the guy on the left), I'm the guy that looks like a faggot;

    Devouring several different species of exotic insects during my stay at the most dilapidated state penitentiary (more like PenisTent-iary!) in the country screwed with the domaninergic neurons in my brain and cast me into a deep psychosis where I envisioned myself being Captain Jack Sparrow, the hero from the well-known Disney trilogy "The Matrix". I spent many lonely nights riding a parade float made out of discarded cigar-tubes, glue and recycled toilet-paper which I had stolen from an elementary school's volleyball team, down the streets of my hometown (They were called "The Perky Pirates" and had a float in the form of a generic isohunt user. Hey, I couldn't find a damned boat OK?) while randomly swinging at passerbyes with a sword made out of wax recycled from candles I collected at a local graveyard;


    The result of my nightly escapades and slight resemblance with the actor protagonising the role of Dr. John Sparrow ("Keanu Reeves") brought me into contact with three willing females that all wanted to be my girlfriend. Too bad by then years of rampant crackaïne abuse had paralyzed the nerve responsible for flexing the corpus cavernossum in my otherwise astute penis;

    I tried that Viagra crap they sell on chinese websites, and it didn't help. Then, I remembered that black inmate having whispered critical advice in my ear one night. I couldn't remember the actual advice, but reminiscing on the event somehow helped erect my primary genital organ into full capacity. But the problem was the only bitch I could get now after those three girls vibrantly described the predominantly flaccid state of my penis to every other low-self-esteem skank hoe they met consecutively was my retarded Italian cousin's mentally disabled Russian sister (don't ask, we're a really weird family);

    At least, I hope it was his sister... Painfull evidence I cannot cast aside would suggest otherwise, though I'm not positively really sure (What's your sex when your vagina has teeth? Besides obviously "painfull"?).

    After a judge testified in my behalf in the case of iTech Vs The State Vs Godzilla, out of shear terror, I was cleared of all criminal and medical charges and was briefly employed as a Dead Turkish Rockstar Impersonator by aliens making a documentary on crappyness;
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bar%C4%B1%C5%9F_Akarsu and later I worked down at a local Micky D's, which I only did because somehow the teleport ray the alien vessel that regularly transported me to intergalactic meetings contained some sort of resurrectional properties, as my retarded dead sister showed up one morning with a craving for "crap-burgers" after the beam had scanned over the grave we made for her out of cigarette-boxes and ducktape in the backyard, hence the employment at Micky D's because no way I'm paying for that shit anymore. In my opinion, you only have one life, once it's over all obligations are lost, I don't give a shit you got resurrected by an extraterrestrial homing beam, I ain't paying for this shit no more!

    Being one of the best computer programmers in the past 450 years, with a calculated I.Q. of 128 (calculated by my crackwhore mom on the back of a cereal box with crayon when she got stuck in an Acid trip in which she believed she was "The Germinating Breakfast Residue On Einstein's Mustache"), the disgrace of working in a fastfood joint was what devoured the last trace of humanity that was left in my blackened soul, and that's the reason I'm posting here again.
    So how are you guys? [​IMG]
  2. The Teej

    The Teej Also known as The Tjalian

    Former Staff
    Jun 27, 2004
    Only an IQ of 128? You some kind of noob or something?

    But seriously, welcome back. I've only just returned myself. Hope you enjoy your return.
  3. chuckstudios

    chuckstudios Putting the pro in procrastination

    Jul 19, 2006
    United States
    North Carolina, USA
    [​IMG] Welcome back, iTech!!! [​IMG]
  4. mthrnite

    mthrnite So it goes.

    Former Staff
    Jun 30, 2006
    United States
    th' south
    hey, there y'are.
  5. test84

    test84 GBAtemp's last ninja 2.

    Sep 8, 2006
    Iran, Tehran.
    oh shit.
  6. nileyg

    nileyg GBAtemp Fan

    Mar 16, 2007
    United States
    Where the eff were you?

    and why is everything on GBAtemp different?
    when did everything change?
  7. ZeWarrior

    ZeWarrior TheWarrior

    Jul 2, 2007
    iTech = [​IMG]
  8. VVoltz

    VVoltz The Pirate Lord

    Nov 6, 2002
    Slap me in the face and call me mommy, iTech is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, this is great!, they are comming back!!!!!!, who is next? Luse?, Puck the Joker?, ACE GUNMAN??!?!?! oh wait, that character has already returned to this season.
  9. xcalibur

    xcalibur Gbatemp's Chocolate Bear

    Jun 2, 2007
    Sacred Heart

    Where were you dude?
    Did the Illuminati kidnap you somewhere or were you stuck caring for your retarded sister?
  10. Szyslak

    Szyslak Nudibranch Lover

    Oct 31, 2006
    United States
    ...and a finely crafted return it was. Welcome back iTech. Looking forward to your stories. In your absence, I had nothing to tell the kids at night. They slept much better.
  11. NeSchn

    NeSchn GBAPimpdaddy.

    Oct 4, 2007
    United States
    Troy,New York PimpStatus: King
    I don't know you.

    But Welcome back!
  12. Masta_mind257

    Masta_mind257 GBAtemp Regular

    Jul 3, 2006
    In ur mother
    I've nevah herd of ya! Hello anyway...
  13. jgu1994

    jgu1994 GBAtemp Advanced Fan

    Jun 23, 2007
    United States
    HOLY CRAP!!! ITECH IS BACK!!!!!!!!