I think kids need to be protected from exposure to violence and sex, or, years later, someone will have to make a movie about them in which Morgan Freeman tracks them down via a trail of grisly murder scenes. The younger they are, the more impressionable they are, so we'll start by banning natural childbirth and mandating cesarean sections for all. We'll curb the early start on child abuse by putting a halt to the barbaric practice of doctors spanking them right when they come out. Bottle feeding only! And put one of those cone collar things around their necks -- you know, like they put on dogs so they don't lick their stitches off after a surgical procedure -- so they can't see any parts of themselves that they shouldn't be allowed to see until they're eighteen. Instruments of violence at school should be banned. That's right, no more pencils, elastic bands, books, or rulers, and their arms and legs should be permanently encased in triple ply bubble wrap. Parents probably shouldn't live together or even see each other except when the kids are away; otherwise they might be tempted to sneak a kiss and not be careful enough about it. Video games? No way! Even Pac-Man glorifies cannibalism and aberrant spirituality by depicting the consumption of the undead. note: I did not write this. I don't know who did.