I made a short story and won a school contest.

[tagzard]

So i was watching the twilight zone on netflix and i loved the idea of twisted endings. So at school we were having a short story contest and i made one. It's really good. Please download it and tell me how it its. If people like it I might just make more.




Download

 

[Wombo Combo]

Upload to youtube for ease of viewing.

 

[tagzard]

Upload to youtube for ease of viewing.

it' a pdf.

 

[Recorderdude]

copy the text into pastebin for ease of viewing? Or at least use a hoster like mediafire that doesn't impose wait times.

 

[tagzard]

Well i just want some feed back.

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

If you want feedback, you'll post the text.

 

[Deleted_171835]

Here's the story. I extracted it from the PDF.

It was a cold, winter afternoon. The time was 6:55 p.m. I just got back from the skating rink. I sat down on my couch to watch some TV. The first thing that popped up on the TV was the news. It was something about a psycho path killer that just escaped out of prison. But that didn’t really catch my attention until the reporter said which prison it was. “Willford County prison.” That prison was only two miles from my house. But what are the chances right? A psycho path coming to my house. Really? I had no worries. I fell asleep around 20 minutes while watching the news. When I woke up the news was still on. But now the reporter said the three bodies were found recently. And the local authorities have confirmed the identities of the bodies. “Jeorge Holtz, Marty Baymoor, and Kyle Theopolysis.” I thought to myself, Did they just say Marty Baymoor?” He lives three houses down from me. As I kept watching the reporter said that all bodies were found in Willford Lake, and they were chopped up into small pieces and thrown into the lake in 3 separate garbage bags. My heart started to pound. “I knew Marty he was my Co-worker.”

Then that’s when I heard the noise. A sound like a door knob slowly turning. As I turned around I swear I saw it turn. I stood up and said, “Who’s there?” No answer. I immediately thought it was the killer. I spoke again, “Who’s there?” But this time in a more nervous and frightened voice. I got up and slowly crept to the door. I yelled, “WHO’S THERE!” No answer. I grabbed my pistol from the cabinet. Then I heard the door knob move again. Now I was terrified. Then I saw the door knob move. By now I was running as fast as I can away from the door know. While running I tripped on a loose nail and accidently shot myself in the heart. The last thing I saw was my deaf girlfriend opening the door.

It's a decent story. Not that good, in my opinion. I'm sure you could do better, though since I'm around the same age and would be able to write a better story.

Edit: Thanks Vulpes.

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

14. It's on his profile.

Feedback: I like how you put the reader in the shoes of the main character. The final imagery is particularly poignant. Though the story rushes toward it's ending, it's a good starting point. All it needs is expansion.

 

[Recorderdude]

I have to agree with vulpes. Tripping on a nail and shooting himself is pretty anticlimactic and rushed. Expand it.

What I would do is have the TV report just show the person's name (have the reporter say "a photograph could not be found" or something) and have it that he actually SHOOTS his girlfriend by accident, and, shocked by this, takes the lifeless body with him goes into hiding, maybe in a forest or something. Then, over time, have his mental and physical conditon decline over the whole event as he goes mad, until he is eventually attacked by a bear. Make the fight a long and detailed one, but have the bear as the victor. As the person's body slumps and falls over, his wallet slips out of his pocket and an ID card falls out - THE SAME NAME IS ON IT AS THE ONE ON TV. A newspaper will then reveal that the person we've been in the eyes of was actually the killer, and was hiding from the police when he shot his girlfriend by accident. Seeing the report on television made him think that the police were after him right then and there.

That's what I would do, though, you can probably think of your own...man, I'm twisted

 

[KingdomBlade]

It's not really a story, more of a sketch really. It's okay... but I can't help but feel that it ends too abruptly.

Posts merged

It's not really a story, more of a sketch really. It's okay... but I can't help but feel that it ends too abruptly.

 

[Snorlax]

You've got some bad word-choice throughout, and I'd recommend you try to build the tension more.
It requires some serious skill in-order to engage a reader in such a small amount of words. Lengthen it so you have more chance of absorbing the audience.

 

[Shinigami357]

Not to be too uber-critical, but... How do you "accidentally" shoot yourself in the heart? Unless you were holding the gun backwards, it's almost seems impossible to imagine.

Bear with me a bit... Just some supposition...

The character was running away from the door, right? He should be holding the gun naturally, preferably with his finger not on the trigger. He trips, and I suppose he would try to use his arms to break his fall somewhat, and the hands usually end up in the "stop gesture" position. Now, even if he was running with his finger on the trigger, the gun should be pointing ahead/in front of him, not anywhere towards his body. Unless you got off a very unlucky ricochet, was holding his gun some other way, or the gun discharged somewhat, he should be fine, albeit scared, right?


Anyway, keep improving, you'll get better, I'm sure.


EDIT: Hmmm... I suppose if a person doesn't react fast enough, he can fall with his arms bent towards his body. Now, if he did have his finger on the trigger, he really can shoot himself if the gun nozzle just happened to be in the right (wrong?) angle. And you might be able to hit your heart, just not straight on.

 

[Vulpes Abnocto]

*nudges Shinigami*

As a marksman I must make one small correction.
It's a "muzzle", on a gun. Not a 'nozzle'.

 

[Makar]

I thought it was good (for your age) but rushed. I think it would of been better and more realistic if the main character shot his Girlfriend and then it went on from there (ether he commits suicide, runs away and finds the psycho, or whatever you could think of. You could of made a story were the main character actually goes psycho and and joins the other psycho in the killing or something and expand on the story.

 

[Shinigami357]

*nudges Shinigami*

As a marksman I must make one small correction.
It's a "muzzle", on a gun. Not a 'nozzle'.

Ah, of course. My apologies.