How to recover from critical parents?

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic Chat' started by jDSX, Mar 15, 2016.

  1. jDSX
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    jDSX Is a furry

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    (I haven't a clue where to post this so I posting it here)

    I've got really strict and critical parents and I've began to notice the long term effects it has caused me , my parents aren't bad they just think there way is right and of course i guess its there culture,The consistent overruling makes the me feel like my opinions doesn't matter. If i ever question them its "parents are always right" They expects me to behave in a 'mature' way ... more or less like a 'civilized' adult. However, despite this and that I am an adult, they treat me like an inferior kid.

    I start doing household chores on my own without being asked like cleaning and doing dishes even hanging cloths instead of praising me they criticize me and say oh your doing it wrong and instead do it for me. if I try to talk to them about stuff I door my hobbies like gaming they would reply "instead of wasting our time with gaming why don't you study?" almost every convo about unrelated things turns into this criticism, despite this I study medicine at university even when I get 100% in an exam they wouldn't praise me instead they would say "you should always get this" .

    this has all left me emotionally detached and I have difficulties with close relationships which require intimacy and emotional honesty and sharing.
    it's difficult for me to start a job or do something in front of people, I automatically think they already dislike me or think that I have stuffed up already.

    the damage is done but can I recover from this and how?
     
  2. Saiyan Lusitano

    Saiyan Lusitano GBAtemp Guru

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    If you can't change the way they think then let them speak but don't get affected, instead, try to ignore what they say and think of something positive whilst those moments.

    There's different layers of being bad. Emotional abuse is one of them.
     
  3. ErikH526

    ErikH526 Member

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    Parents should love their kids no matter what. It feels like your parents see themselves as perfect and that can damage themselves without realization. While emotionally damaging you in the long run Saiyan Lusitano is correct on the emotional abuse. I'm a victim of being emotionally abused by my Dad it does hurt alot that I don't even speak to him anymore. Honestly you should tell them how you feel and see how they feel and try to get a therapist or go for some family therapy and see how that works. Do you have any other siblings or family members that can help you work out your issues with your parents?
     
  4. VinsCool

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    Try to recover from parents who ignored you now...
     
  5. pwsincd

    pwsincd Garage Flower

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    this is stereo typical , misguided parenting , as a parent i find myself holding back from easy critisism , its something we all learn over time , if your at uni they should have gotten to that stage by now ... it is obvious they want the best for you ,, but praise in failure , is better than critisism in success... for a persons ego... theres a fine line .. and they seem to cross it .. but that line is easily crossed....
     
  6. zoogie

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    Hate to say this but you are in medical school. If your parents were easy on you, then you might not have got that far.

    That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with feeling hurt about the constant criticism, but keep it in perspective of having parents who really wanted you to succeed.
     
  7. FAST6191

    FAST6191 Techromancer

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    I am not sure what parenting style they might be employing, it sounds like the "strict is working so keep it up" approach which is not my favourite. Never having gone through it, not seen any of my friends and associates subject to similar treatment, I am at something of a loss on the empathy front. However I have seen cheesy films and been on the internet so with mention of culture do I assume you are a fairly low generation number transplant from somewhere in what Americans might call Asia but I would probably know as oriental, or at least someone emulating that style?
    Equally "I study ... at university". Are you living at home during this? Cash wise it makes sense but it can lead to people being more involved than some might find ideal.

    "this has all left me emotionally detached and I have difficulties with close relationships which require intimacy and emotional honesty and sharing.
    it's difficult for me to start a job or do something in front of people, I automatically think they already dislike me or think that I have stuffed up already."

    That may be an effect (or symptom if we are to be using medical vernacular) but was it the cause? Plenty of people have that from all sorts of backgrounds. I mention this as you seem to be blaming them for something where it could be another root cause entirely and treated in a different manner.

    Anyway "or do something in front of people, I automatically think they already dislike me" is answered by so what if they do? In most cases it is not going to involve them stomping you to a pulp or getting stab happy, and if you are unable to read such situations where that might be the case then it is easy enough to avoid them.

    "and I have difficulties with close relationships which require intimacy and emotional honesty and sharing"
    Can you point me at anybody that does not have difficulties there? If you can then question two is are they likely to see my elbow meet their face should I be trapped at a dinner with them for a couple of hours, or me fall asleep through boredom?
    There is probably something as being too closed or shut off but most people I ever meet that hit that suffered... I do not want to say real lest I trivialise your position but real damage first.

    "this has all left me emotionally detached"
    Personally I treat this as an asset and is immensely useful when I get to assess a situation -- and the only thing I want to hear less than "my feelings say do this" from a medic treating me or mine is "Jesus told me to do this". I am probably supposed to say make sure you have a release though as too much acting like a robot can lead to interesting things (you see it a lot in various parts of IT and engineering)

    "or think that I have stuffed up already"
    Do you succeed at everything you do when people are not watching? Are you trying something you know to be out of your skill range? Worse for the previous have you bragged about your skills/the ease with which you will perform this task*? Is anybody going to stab you for getting it wrong?
    Hopefully the answer to each of those is no. Now you know that then carry on with life.

    *don't go completely the other way as some basic confidence helps, being able to laugh at yourself is probably the happy medium.

    "if I try to talk to them about stuff I door my hobbies like gaming they would reply "instead of wasting our time with gaming why don't you study?""
    Do they understand computer games? Is that then a shortcut to ending a conversation they do not understand? Consider instead drawing them in somehow. Traditionally a good way of pulling that off is ripping a bunch of their music for an in game radio station (assuming the game itself does not have such things already -- GTA is pretty eclectic and represents a lot of options) and playing it with that, try to make it something you can put up with as well (there will be some dross the liked when they were 19 or wanting to be 19, there will also be some good stuff in there). If the game is something they understand as well then even better. Be aware that this can see your computer and/or consoles "borrowed".

    I suppose if I was being funny I might try and emulate the style and mark your opening post for you too. However that might unnecessarily... blunt. Anyway parents screw us up, I see the results and practice often enough, and from what I can tell it is one of the (few) joys of being a parent.
     
  8. Wiiunator

    Wiiunator GBAtemp Regular

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    Do you parents know how you feel? You seem to write quite well, maybe writing them a letter could help getting some of those feelings out of your chest.

    Also if you have emotional issues due to your situation there might be a councilor at your uni that might be able to help you. Seeing a psychologist might also help, there is no shame in that.

    Another thing that has personally help me is meditation. Even if it's only 10min a day, it help quieting down those negative thoughts you might have in your head. There are ways of rewiring your thoughts process through this and help you see the world in a different light.

    Also I'm not sure if you are in medical school because of your parents.. Maybe a way of proving to them that you are worth something. My only advise is that this is your life, not their life and the sooner you forge your own way through it and be a master of your own destiny the less regret you may have in the future.

    Best of luck with it all
     
  9. laudern

    laudern GBAtemp Advanced Fan

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    My father is very judgemental of me and over the years (I'm 32 now) I've just withdrawan from him. So I will go to mum and dad's place for the holidays and maybe have a few conversations with him at most. I stay out of his way and he stays out of mine. We get on fine Lol.
     
  10. Luglige

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    Tell them that you feel bad and that you want them to love you, if they feel that you feel bad then you succeeded. Also if your in med school you should beat least 18 tell em that you are mature enough if you are older. BUT BE RESPECTFUL WHILE DOING THIS!