Thanks you very much for taking the time to help me! So, answering you step-by-step:
1) It did indeed come with an SD card. These are the contents (with the "Date modified" year in case that helps with anything):
/haxchi - 2017
/install - 2018
/licenses - 2016
/retroarch - 2013
/wiiload - 2016
/wiiu - 2016
boot.elf - 2012
bootex.log - 2018
bootmini.elf - 2012
credits.txt - 2012
fw.img - 2016
license.txt - 2012
readme.txt - 2012
readme-bootmii.txt - 2012
readme-hbc.txt - 2012
This would seem to indicate it would be running haxchi, right? Now, I have no idea how haxchi is supposed to look, but there's no Homebrew Channel anywhere, nor any retroarch. Could this perhaps be an intended hack that never was installed?
2) It does not.
3) As alluded before, no Homebrew Channel here. I can't seem to find anything named "don't touch me" either.
4) 5.5.5 U
Ehm... Could it be the case that this console is not, in fact, hacked at all?