Gangsters stole my memory card ...

Discussion in 'The Edge of the Forum' started by iTech, Jun 24, 2007.

Jun 24, 2007
  1. iTech
    OP

    Member iTech GBAtemp Regular

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    Yesterday my mother and I took my little retarded sister to her most favourite place in the world: Crazy Cat's Bird House.
    It's a playhouse that combines my sister's two most favourite things; birds, which she calls "cookies", and cats, which she calls "sticks indexfinger in her ass". (because of her habbit of sticking her fingers in cat's asses and licking them afterwards thinking she is eating chocolate after we made the mistake of showing her a taped candybar commercial for her 6th birthday.)

    My mom laughed all the way there - the doctor says it's the only emotion she has left after the crackaine ate away her "dorsolateral prefrontal cortex". The emotion she was actually feeling, was probably saddness. There was a reason we were doing this for my sister; namely it was the day we had planned to put her down. It would have been for the best realy, as I only have one lung after accidentally shooting myself in the chest with a machinegun. And kids (especially retarded ones) consume a lot of oxygen with their spastic playfullness. My stamina had decreased to the point that I needed my sisters assistence just to be able to lift my arm in order to spank my mother when she spent my game money she earned on the streets or her own selfish addictions. We couldn't keep her in the yard eighter because the neighbours would stay up all night, secretly feeding her, while she was not alowed any food for a month for breaking my Nintendo Wii with her face. Inconsistent punishment spoils a child. The adoption agency called the cops on us once after we borrowed a child to do a chore and never returned it (the toilet was jammed and me and my mom are both afraid of turds). So there was only one option left - Euthanasia.

    After getting there we got some tickets. As the playhouse specialises in providing a fun day for crazy and retarded people, my sister got in there for 50 cents instead of a dollar. (After bargaining for little over an hour, I decided to pay) I convinced them I was my mom's legal guardian (which is true) and that she was suffering from Disorganised Schizophrenia (which they only bought when she attacked "death", which was just a guy in a grey cat costume, by dropping her miniskirt and peeing on his Reeboks). I myself on the other hand didn't have to pay anything, because I was waving a handgrenade.

    Once in there I started feeling dizzy. Hundreds of retarted children and senile old farts were running all over the place.
    Someone pulled my shirt, and a kid's voice asked "are you Michael Jackson?" I turned and a little blonde girl was there, her face was hiddeous - a flat nose, swollen lips, only one eye - I actually felt sorry for those deformities, which I had caused with an elbow to her face, as I thought it was my sister pulling my shirt asking to go play. (I explicitely told her we were only going there to watch other retards play)
    Some crazy guy stormed towards me, screaming "what did you do!?". I was shocked at the amount of articulation this crazy nut calling himself "The Group Leader" was capable of producing. Knowing these types of people that refer to themselves as "legions" or "groups" are the ones that are about to puke green shit in your face, I didn't hesitate and swiftly punched him in the forehead a dozen times. Astonishingly, it was only untill I threw several dimes in his face which, out of fear of theft, I kept hidden in my buttcrack, that he actually passed out. We immediatly left - last thing I saw was the still grogged-out gibberish-talking guy being grabbed by a nurse while a resident doctor put a shot of Thorazine in his ass.

    Arriving at Doctor Eugene Nix's veterinarian practice, my sister started suspecting something after she noticed "Spongebob's Pineaple" (where we said we taking her) looked like it was left under the sun for a bit too long.
    The dilapitated neighbourhood where Dr. Nix runs a small Euthanasia shop houses nothing but crackwhores, pimps and certified gansters. Dr. Nix cancelled all his appointments for the day, which included numerous crack-baby death-clubbings and crackwhore decapitations, and dressed up as Sponge Bob for the occasion. The reason for this is that I treathened to show his boyfriend (a German Shepard called Adolf) the pictures of him having intercourse with several toothless underage prostitutes which I found on his PC during maintenance. (I'm a veterinarian software programmer)
    Eventhough he's supposed to be a genius, brought in from Germany under Operation Paperclip in 1945, the fact that he believes animals can speak, write and have human babies kinda made me have my doubts. That, and the fact that he had a green sponge taped to his forehead and was yelling "Yabadabadoo!"

    Once in his backoffice where he actually does his clubbings and decapitations, he pulled out a a tape measure to get my sister's
    sizes. He looked worried and said "there ist einen probléme, come vit me". He took us out into the dark alley behind his office where the large dumpster resides where he tosses the corpses of Euthanised people into.
    He said "Ze child is too vat, she vill not fit." After trying a couple of times to she if she would fit, I figured he was right and we called the whole thing off.
    That's when it happened. A couple of no-good hoodlems saw us standing there in the alley and thought we were dealing drugs.
    I told them we didn't have any drugs and if they wanted some they'd have to suck it out of my mother's nose, but they were'nt satisfied with that awnser. One of them saw the digital camera I was carrying for the occasion, and said "gimme that laptop".
    I told him it was a digital camera, but he didn't wanna hear it: "I said gimme that iPod!". I saw there was no reasoning with the guy, so I knocked him down as I ran towards the car. They gave chase with some kind of extremely fast vehicle, because it was starting to outrun my Isuzu real fast. When one of them fired a shot through the ducttape I use as a rear windshield, I gave up and tossed the camera out the window, which caused them to stop pursuing me.

    After I got home I noticed that I had forgot something - I was stupid enough to toss the camera with my only SD card stil in it, which I could easily have removed since those guys didn't know it was in there in the first place.
    Luckily, the neighbourhood where it all happened was the turf off my old, dead, best friend Rocco Desanti's father - Tony Desanti. He came by and brought me my camera back but asked me if I tossed it out of a moving car since that's what one the gansters claimed was the reason for it being busted after he stuck several rodents up his ass. I told him they were lying and broke it by sliding it over a puddle of piss on his son's grave in a contest to see who would be the first to knock down the flowers. [​IMG]

    I needed my SD card because I had come up with some possible new Nintendo Wii hacks exploiting the Moving JPEG player, but was saddened to see it had a chipped corner. I stuck it into my PC, and noticed Windows didn't allow me to save anything on it anymore. All the pictures I took of schoolgirl's feet while hiding in a traschan next to the bus stop are gone, the only pictures that were not corrupt were these;

    - My mom (taken that day)
    [​IMG]
    - My sister (taken that day)
    [​IMG]
    - Some retarted girl at the entrance of Crazy Cat's Bird House (thank God it just looks like she's naked)
    [​IMG]
    - The gansters that stole my camera in full pursuit of my Isuzu (taken accidentally when the camera hit the pavement)
    [​IMG]


    To make an extremely long and poorly-written story (I have no more money because I threw my last dimes at a psycho) short; I don't have an SD card and I've got some shit to test.
    I decided to put my money where my mouth is (luckely I'm broke because those dimes smelled like shit) and attempt to hack the Wii myself.
    Now, I'm just a C/ASM programmer (C++ is for gays) and have no prior experience in hacking or cracking anything inorganic, I do understand how common exploits work and would be able to write the software and corrupt files to do it. I spent the past week studying several fileformats and looking at the library source for DevkitPPC to get a general idea of how the gamecube works.
    I heard from a reliable source that the Revolution SDK borrows a lot of code from the Dolphin SDK, meaning the two share similarities on a system-software level.

    My prefered point of entry is the Wii "OS" (= the Wii Menu) instead of opera, because gaining access to it would mean gaining it at a "ring level" lower to that of Opera - which runs "inside" the Wii Menu.
    On the other hand, there are ways to sketch the functions and addresses contained in Opera by examining the x86 version,
    while no way to look at the (in-memory) image file of the Wii Menu exists (yet - WTF Datel? Give us that Drive Doctor shit allready!).
    Causing a buffer-overflow is pointless unless you: A. Know where the file causing the overflow or an arbitrary user-loaded file is located in memory OR B. Know the exact location in memory of system/application functions and the arguments they take.
    This is because all a buffer-overflow allows you to do is overwrite the return address of the function loading the corrupt data with an address you supply. Execution will continue at that location after the function returns. Lets say I have a picture in JPEG format which I supply with my own code to replace the actual image data, and the WiiOS tries to load this file using function "LoadJPEGFromFile()", but it oveflows a buffer. All I need to do to get my code executed is change the return address of the function calling "LoadJPEGFromFile()" (probably "main()") to the address where the image data containing my code resides in memory.
    The problem: where is it loaded to?
    On the PC, I could easily determine the location using a debugger or dissasembler like IDAPro - I just look at the address of the buffer where the file is loaded to. (Unless the buffer is being allocated on the Heap, which would mean I'm fucked).
    If this isn't possible, I can always call some pre-existing code contained eighter in the program itself or the OS after figuring out its address using the debugger/disassembler. How is this useful? Image a function called osRunExecutableFromSDCard(path,encrypted) which allows one to run eighter encrypted or unencrytped programs off the SDCard. That is, if such a function existed.
    But how do I do this on the Wii, when there's no way to examine an executable or memory, and there is no documentation on OS functions and their addresses?
    It seems Datel's Drive Doctor would be the awnser, but, where is that SOB Ph.D? You seen him? I don't ...

    Regardless of these problems, I still think it is valuable to try and find new exploits eventhough we can't use them yet.
    I thought of several possible ways of entry: The built-in jpeg viewer, the built-in Motion JPEG player, the MP3 player, the Email functionality and finally whatever shitty code Opera might be running.
    After realising an MP3 file is extremely simple and does not contain any datasize values which might be messed with, I decided to learn the format of an AVI encoded with a "Motion JPEG" encoder first.
    I came up with a number of alterations to a valid MJPEG AVI file, but have no way to test the results.
    I expect atleast one of them to crash the Wii, and would appreciate anyone with an SD Card which was not damaged in a ganster-related accident to try and open them on their Wiis and report any unusual behaviour.

    ***********************
    BIG MOFO-ASS WARNING!*
    ***********************
    - Do NOT attempt to open the unzipped folder with your computer if it automagically generates thumbnails for video files. That would be equal to playing them and these files contain corrupted headers/data (example: one of them is a "18466 hours long" 14Kb avi file according to Media Player) Neighter Windows XP nor Media Player croak on these files, but don't take my word for it. Which brings me to my second point;

    - Do NOT attempt to play these files back on your PC! Doing so will cause CancerAids of the brain.

    - Do NOT whine about your Wii spontaneously combusting out of existence in a violent torrent of flames because you opened these files. Though I can't see a way whatever these files do to your Wii being irreversible, I also don't see why sticking your tounge in the ears of terminal hospital patients will not extract their souls.

    - Do NOT have intercourse with my mother after stealing my SD card! Tony Desanti told me all about how she was having a wild orgy on the roof of the veteranian's clinic with several naked gansters, who probably didn't know the popular "extra clit" she has is actually Syphylis.

    - Do NOT embed these files into any webpage! Though most browsers will use Media Player to play back MJPEG AVIs and be unharmed, it's still possible these files could crash the browsers of unsuspecting surfers if they use an internal video player. (Which is why I used the AVI and not the Quicktime format)
    I don't want to be responsible a plague of prank sites that crash browsers spawning from this.

    - Do NOT attempt to build a virus out of whatever information you learn from playing these files on a PC. I do not condom the spread of viruses. (No, that's not a typo. [​IMG])

    - If this leads to a valid exploit, you'll have 45% of the bragging rights!!! (45% goes to me, 5% to gbatemp, and 5% to Jesus, for lending me his Athlon X2)

    I accept no responsibility for the misuse of these files to do anything illegal.
    Do not build virusses. Do not house terrorist in the included Zip file. Do not have intercourse with my mother.
    And even if you're in Russia and it is legal - do not get penile implants. They are plain WRONG!

    How to use:
    Open the archive with WinZip (if you're a pussy), WinRar (if you have gay) or 7-Zip (If you're the cooliest!).
    Don't extract anything, just browse through the filestructure of the ZIP until you get to a bunch of 14 Kb .avi files. Select them all and extract them to whatever drive your SD card reader is located.
    Now, WITHOUT OPENING THE DRIVE TO CHECK IF THE FILES DIDN'T MAGICALLY FAIL TO COPY AND WERE TRANSPORTED TO MISSING SOCK LAND, pull out the card and stick it in your Wii. (Do NOT stick it in your ass!)
    Start the image viewer on the Wii and choose "SD Card". Now try to play back the files. If something interesting happens, check the "reflist.txt" file to see what was actually done to the AVI.
    Not every file is covered though, for security reasons, and because I'm a lazy man.

    Some files that look promising;

    mjpg_list2sizemax.avi (WinXP fails to build a thumbnail/Media Player doesn't play it)
    mjpg_list2sizemin.avi (WinXP fails to build a thumbnail/Media Player doesn't play it)
    mjpg_scalemax.avi (WinXP fails to build a thumbnail/Media Player doesn't play it)
    mjpg_scaleratemax.avi (WinXP fails to build a thumbnail/Media Player doesn't play it)
    mjpg_ratemax.avi (WinXP fails to build a thumbnail/Media Player thinks it's a 18466:35:18 long video clip)
    mjpg_scaleratemax.avi (WinXP fails to build a thumbnail/Media Player thinks it's a 6699:14:07 long video clip)

    The link:
    http://upload2.net/page/download/P0no0wUuE...pegwii.zip.html

    If this fails to produce any results, I'm allready working on corrupting jpeg files in all sorts and manners.
    (Yes, I know about the published Opera JPEG exploits, but they don't work on the Wii OS's image viewer)

    I'm buying (=stealing) an SD Card soon so I can do this by myself.
    Until then, I appreciate any help from y'all.

    PS. Shit, I just remembered intentionally forgetting my sister was still in the dumpster in the alley behind the Vet! Oh well, if she's still alive by tomorrow, I'm letting her come back home, just for a little while (home = the backyard)
     


  2. JPH

    Banned JPH Banned

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    I'd read this entire thing, but I don't feel like it [​IMG]
     
  3. hogg

    Member hogg GBAtemp Regular

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    Man I'm gonna smoke a blunt before i read this ...
     
  4. bobrules

    Member bobrules GBAtemp Advanced Maniac

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    Wow I read through the whole thing. Is this all true?
     
  5. iTech
    OP

    Member iTech GBAtemp Regular

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    Offcourse. I never lie. Just like Jesus, who lives in my supply closet and has a green mustache made out of spinach.
     
  6. INTERNETS

    Member INTERNETS GBAtemp Regular

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  7. bobrules

    Member bobrules GBAtemp Advanced Maniac

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    The gansters that stole my camera in full pursuit of my Isuzu (taken accidentally when the camera hit the pavement) picture looks fake IMO.
     
  8. ShadowXP

    Member ShadowXP ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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  9. Taras

    Member Taras I'm Not Hating, I'm Just Sayin'

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    Trolling effort = 10/10

    Awesome. Tip of the hat.




    edit: reread a 2nd time to continue LMAO. The dude is an artist.
     
  10. xcalibur

    Member xcalibur Gbatemp's Chocolate Bear

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    [​IMG]
    dude youre nuts

    this is a post worthy of maddox

    you should do more like this
     
  11. Linkiboy

    Member Linkiboy GBAtemp Testing Area

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    I read that whole thing. Pretty amusing.
     
  12. chuckstudios

    Member chuckstudios Putting the pro in procrastination

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    This would make some epic copypasta.
     
  13. Chronics

    Newcomer Chronics Advanced Member

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    summerize this for me, im to lazy to read !!!!
     
  14. science

    Member science science rules

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    Did you try throwing your Wii at your sister's face again? I was surprised that that didn't work the first time...
     
  15. Pikachu025

    Member Pikachu025 GBAtemp Advanced Fan

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    Epic post, awesome work there. XD
     
  16. Hero-Link

    Member Hero-Link Hero of Derrr

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    shouldnt this be in like testing area or something? this is pure spam, with some kind of trojan link...
     
  17. xcalibur

    Member xcalibur Gbatemp's Chocolate Bear

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    u know what else is epic? ur sig
    i havent seen u before but that sig made rofl
     
  18. dg10050

    Member dg10050 GBAtemp Regular

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    Just thought I'd let you know that I can play these files on my computer and thumbnails appear fine for me. [​IMG]
    PS: Linux FTW.
     
  19. Gayle

    Newcomer Gayle Member

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    seconded
     
  20. chuckstudios

    Member chuckstudios Putting the pro in procrastination

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    The link isn't a trojan, I'm in the same boat with dg10050, they play in MPC and thumbnails appear in DOpus.

    Windows FTW

    And the changes he mentions in the text file actually are changed in the AVIs. So these AVIs aren't fake, someone should test them >.>
     

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