Hey, bros. I know it's been a little while, but I figured it was time I gave them Harvard Law School-types what five (cuz dat moar dan what 4). So, without ado (more like furter a-poo, am I right?), today's movie is ... DRIVE More like... Jive. Unlike Apocalypse Now, it's not all bad - in the negative sense. Some stuff here is pretty bad - in the positive sense. 1) It drove me to tears, so I guess the title's accurate. (Not like that hack Coppola - why call your film Apocalypse Now if the apocalypse never happens?) 2) There are cars in this movie. Automatic +2 to the final score. 3) Ryan Gosling is like Heath Ledger without all that gay makeup. He's dreamy in all the ways that make me angry and confused inside... in a good way? 3) Some people die and it's super bloody. I can't get aroused unless somebody gets stabbed in the eye with a fork. 4) Ron Perlman is still ugly, reinforcing my positive body image. (Seriously, what girl would want Ron's pearls, man?) That's it, though. This movie stinks more than the carcass of Pauly Shore's career. 1) Ryan Gosling is super ugly. He looks like a duck. No, a goose. He looks like a goose. They should call him Ryan Gooseling because of that. 2) 3) The soundtrack is fucking horrendous. Like, it has this distinctive synth-infused soundtrack which adds to the whole atmosphere of the movie, and it's complete bullshit. How can I know an action scene is cool if they don't play Headstrong or some Godsmack? Just took me right out of the movie. 3) The action scenes - or should I say, the inaction scenes. Like, the main character is supposed to be an amazing driver, but he doesn't do flips off of ramps while firing uzis at helicopters. That isn't cool. 4) There's, like, literally no explosions. If the protagonist doesn't have the opportunity to not look at explosions behind him, how can I know he's a cool guy? (´･ω･`) Did I mention it's boring? Because it's BORING. Like, there's long stretches where no one talks, and the main character barely even speaks. Why can't the movie just tell me everything that's going on rather than forcing me to think through and analyze stuff? Pfft, that's dumb. 6) Pretty much all of the main characters are sympathetic. How can I know who's the good guy if they all have some depth and dimensions? 7) There's no connection to the Driver games. The fuck, guys? It's not as bad as Apocalypse Now, but that's like saying EA isn't as bad as Sony; they're all worse than a convention of Hitlers. Just see Fasting Furiously 6. Final Rating: 0 Explosions out of Seriously, where the fuck were all the explosions? Next time I'm talking about Big Bad Beetleborgs and its exploration of man's inhumanity to man, the corruption of the Hollywood studio system, and the nature of the comics industry. Don't miss it... or do, and suck some more! War.