Does real/true friendship even exist?

[Silent_Gunner]

After thinking about this for some time I came to the following results (my own answers to the questions):

• Indeed, it is theoretically possible to find reliable friends. It is theoretically possible to win the jackpot by buying a lottery ticket as well.
• There are probably no general warning signs.
• The only option is leaving bad (not-)friends → If this is possible. There might be reasons of overriding importance. This is a decision which must not be rushed.

Again: Thank you all for the variety of opinions and reasoning on this topic.

Spoiler: My personal conclusion:

I give up. It’s not worth the effort: Actively searching just too be disappointed while hoping to gain something. Never gonna allow anybody getting near to me again.

For the previous friendship: Time to burn bridges. Play time is over. This ends now!
They will never, ever understand or accept anything. They will never, ever question themselves and will always think they did everything right and did not hurt me. Why bother?

While I understand your personal conclusion, I will say that, if you're typing this fresh off of someone wronging you or something negative, that this sort of "I'm just gonna shut myself out and never put in the effort again" is usually temporary, in my experience. We all need some private time after someone you spent a long time with turns out to stop texting, refuses to respect your wishes, or doesn't think they can do any wrong, etc..

 

[Deleted User]

Do you think it is possible to find reliable friends? Or are humans just too selfish to be reliable and true friends in the long run? Or is demanding a give-and-take basis for deeper social interaction a too high standard?

Base impulses are universal among all animals, including we humans; what separates us from other animals on this planet is our sentience and morality, two things we gain more of as we grow into adulthood.

The reality is that most people, through the course of their lives, evolve and change as an individual; from the child still growing their brain and adapting to said growth that introduces an understanding of grey morality, to the 22-year-old and above adjusting to their environment. When we as individuals are prone to change, it's understandable that others would change, too.

That said, only a human child's brain succumbs to their base impulses whereas adults will have to make a conscious effort to remain childish. I have witnessed the kindness and friendship of people in every country I've visited and lived in, so I can safely say our DNA as a gregarious species has not changed.

Any ideas how to deal with people like this?

From my life's experience, I can say there are basically two types of friends:

• Those that last for a certain amount of time
• Those that last a lifetime

In general, we all lose friends as we age, partly due to the ever-decreasing social circle we have and an ever-increasing focus on work, family or both. Some people are anxious when faced with this reality and the prospect of being alone so they will try to hold on to people longer than what's healthy.

It is important to keep in mind that there will always be people who will be good friends for a certain time and the key to navigating them is understanding when we've come to an intersection in said relationship. The easiest analogy I can give is that you cannot grab hold of something new when your hand is still grasping the old.

Moving on and dissociating ourselves from former friends are also parts of dealing and it does not always have to end with burnt bridges nor animosity, but this a social skill so it needs to be trained.

 

[D34DL1N3R]

Pets make better best friends than humans. Fact. I'm 49 and have zero true "best friends". Only my cat gets that title. She's been with me for 14 yrs and counting, More than I can say for anyone else on earth outside of family. Humans in general are pathetic.

 

[KleinesSinchen]

Well… I never wanted this thread to borderline personal blog¹ – hence the spoilers for personal parts. It was and it is a general question that has been answered by multiple people in multiple ways… more than expected.

But this should not go unanswered:

While I understand your personal conclusion, I will say that, if you're typing this fresh off of someone wronging you or something negative, that this sort of "I'm just gonna shut myself out and never put in the effort again" is usually temporary, in my experience. We all need some private time after someone you spent a long time with turns out to stop texting, refuses to respect your wishes, or doesn't think they can do any wrong, etc..

No. Not a fresh thing, not a rushed thing. In fact: Not even a new thing. I came to that conclusion years ago and did not try to find new friends because of the past experiences. Somebody from the past reached out to me and convinced me in trying again; introduced somebody else and they both promised about everything and seemed shocked and outraged when I told them what had happened to me before.
I'm not a misanthropist² (see below) – I've just had enough for my life and am not willing to take any risks anymore.

Pets make better best friends than humans. Fact. I'm 49 and have zero true "best friends". Only my cat gets that title. She's been with me for 14 yrs and counting, More than I can say for anyone else on earth outside of family. Humans in general are pathetic.

If you're happy with your cat this is fine. I know it is an unpopular opinion… but I still say it: Pets are not a sufficient replacement for human beings. They are not on the same intellectual level. That said I never understood how somebody can come to the conclusion that all living creatures other than humans are good by default while humans are bad (heard that many many times). I've seen animals act selfish and mean.






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¹ Which means more details will eventually come into my blog after the dust settled.
² The current year 2020 is giving me a hard time sticking with a non-misanthropic view.