Crazy People Drive Post Rapture Pet Pickup Boom.

Discussion in 'User Submitted News' started by SamAsh07, May 19, 2011.

May 19, 2011
  1. SamAsh07
    OP

    Member SamAsh07 GBAtemp Addict

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2009
    Messages:
    2,693
    Location:
    Bahrain
    Country:
    Bahrain
    The end times are this weekend, and I know what you're thinking: What about my dog? Don't sweat, for $135 a group of plucky blaspheming atheists will swing by your crib and pick up your pets. Holla!
    The rapture is a thing that some Christians believe in where true believers will be taken to heaven, while the rest of humanity is left on Earth to suffer. It's actually happening this weekend on May 21, according to some crazy people who are crazy. In the event it does Eternal Earthbound Pets will go by your home, pick up your dog or cat, and place it in the home of a pet-loving atheist who will take care of it for the remainder of its life, all for just $135.

    No, it's not a joke.

    "We're for real," promises founder Bart Centre. "It's a serious business."

    Nor is it a scam. Technically.

    Centre is completely upfront that he doesn't think he'll be picking up pets on Monday. "We never expect to have to execute these contracts," he explains. "But we have the cadre, the infrastructure and the organization in the absurdly remote event that the rapture ever happens."

    The organization started in 6 states and now operates in 26, mostly in the heartland and New England. (Sorry, New York and California, your pets will just have to starve to death after the rapture. But you're probably all going to Hell, anyway.) If there is a suspected rapture event, Eternal Earthbound Pets will call its clients. If they don't answer, rescuers will be dispatched to pick up the pets that have been left behind. It has 44 rescuers lined up, all committed atheists.

    In fact, in order to qualify, Centre has each rescuer blaspheme in accordance with Mark 3:29. "It's the only unforgivable sin," he explains. That way, even if a rescuer does find Jesus prior to the rapture, they're still screwed in case of the rapture. And will thus be here to pick up your pet. Hell, yeah.

    And with the rapture coming this weekend, business has never been better. It's up 50 percent over a year ago, enough that the group raised its fee from $110 to $135 this January. "I feel like Santa and all his elves right before Christmas," says Centre, in a bad analogy but, hey, he's saving your pets so we'll give it to him.

    And along with the boom in business of crazy people who just want their pets picked up, the group is also dealing with a boom in threats from crazy people who think offering to pick up pets after a rapture event is a very bad thing. "We get our share of hate mail and death threats," says Centre. "People threaten to kill and [censored] us, in that order." Well naturally![/p]

    Source


    Bwahaha I can't believe there are believers to this crap.
     
  2. _Chaz_

    Member _Chaz_ GBAtemp's Official Mook™

    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2009
    Messages:
    5,623
    Country:
    United States
    The makers of this business are fucking geniuses.
     
  3. yuyuyup

    Member yuyuyup GBAtemp Psycho!

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2006
    Messages:
    3,300
    Location:
    USA MTN timezone
    Country:
    United States
    We're all gonna die from japanese radiation
     
  4. SamAsh07
    OP

    Member SamAsh07 GBAtemp Addict

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2009
    Messages:
    2,693
    Location:
    Bahrain
    Country:
    Bahrain
    No we'll die by Aliens. I heard their call last night and calculated like that "priest", they are coming on 22nd May 2011.
     
  5. DrOctapu

    Member DrOctapu Magnificent Bastard

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2008
    Messages:
    1,207
    Location:
    Hell.
    Country:
    United States
    I'd totally do this if my town wasn't full of easily-offended christians.
     
  6. Ace Overclocked

    Member Ace Overclocked My CPU's hot but my core runs cold.

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2010
    Messages:
    2,106
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Country:
    Italy
    the world is getting fucked up
     
  7. Jamstruth

    Member Jamstruth Secondary Feline Anthropomorph

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2009
    Messages:
    3,456
    Location:
    North East Scotland
    Country:
    United Kingdom
    BEST! SCAM! EVER!
     
  8. Paarish

    Member Paarish Connor's Nublet

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2009
    Messages:
    1,719
    Location:
    Married to DinohScene
    Country:
    United Kingdom
    hahahahaahahhaahahaahahaahahaahahahaahahahaha etc. etc.

    If the rapture does happen, I wonder if they would actually do it or would they be too worried about themselves
     
  9. BlueStar

    Member BlueStar GBAtemp Psycho!

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2006
    Messages:
    4,094
    Location:
    UK
    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Do enough people this side of the Atlantic know about this prediction for me to go around on Friday night leaving pairs of old trainers and piles of unwanted clothes everywhere?
     
  10. Ace Overclocked

    Member Ace Overclocked My CPU's hot but my core runs cold.

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2010
    Messages:
    2,106
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Country:
    Italy
    not it's not go to some of these scam money ptc sites you'll get 500 dollars per click
     
  11. Tonitonichopchop

    Member Tonitonichopchop GBAtemp Maniac

    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2009
    Messages:
    1,210
    Country:
    United States
    My thoughts exactly. It's a bit cheap, but in this case I feel that if you payed $135 and nothing happens, you deserved to lose that money.
     
  12. Defiance

    Member Defiance oh my god.. it's full of trading cards...

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2007
    Messages:
    1,504
    Location:
    Terminus
    Country:
    United States
    I came to this thread thinking of Bioshock and was like what? And now I'm reading that it's some world ending event..

    Maybe this means I need to pay attention to the news more often..? [​IMG] (or be familiar with biblical terms, I suppose.)
     
  13. DSGamer64

    Member DSGamer64 Canadian, Eh?

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2007
    Messages:
    2,931
    Location:
    A cold cold place
    Country:
    Canada
    People like that give atheists a bad name. Then again, I am not religious or atheist, so whatever. Still fucking funny though. All I know is on May 21st I will be working so I can be saved from eternal damnation at the very least that the wicked don't take rests.
     
  14. SamAsh07
    OP

    Member SamAsh07 GBAtemp Addict

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2009
    Messages:
    2,693
    Location:
    Bahrain
    Country:
    Bahrain
    All I know is that on 21st May I have an exam. So I'll be busy writing. Rest of the lulzy people can go to this rapture ceremony where you become a (Veloci)raptor
     
  15. DunkrWunkah

    Member DunkrWunkah GBAtemp's Official Dunkr

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2008
    Messages:
    582
    Country:
    United States
    This is the best ever. I should put an ad up on craigslist for my local area.
     
  16. Raikiri

    Member Raikiri GBAtemp Regular

    Joined:
    Aug 7, 2007
    Messages:
    129
    Location:
    The Hague
    Country:
    Netherlands
    hahaah awesome, some people are just geniouses
     

Share This Page