You may have heard about the awful shooting that occurred recently in a small Connecticut town. By the end of the carnage, almost 30 people were dead. It's the sort of tragedy that makes a country pause and reflect, in the hopes that we can ensure something like this never happens again. Or, pfft, fuck all that. It's cool, guys, CNN's crack investigative skills have got this. See, we don't need to reevaluate our stance on gun control and mental health treatment; we just need to be on the lookout for Zerg Rushes. It's so obvious! I don't know why CNN's ratings continue to plummet; it really is a mystery.