I never have been one for blogging but there is so much on my mind right now that I'm constantly screaming on the inside. Hoping this will help.
I've been a very very stupid (to say the least) person at the moment. I've had a very very short fuse, and blown up at people that I have so much respect and wuv for. What's worse is that I didn't learn my lesson the first time - rinse, lather, repeat as a very good and wise person once said. Lost many a good friend in the past few weeks/months.
I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me - infact, if you do read it, you will probably find you should hate me. Though I highly doubt anyone will read it. I'm not using circumstance to excuse bad behaviour - there is no excuse for lashing out at friends, ever.
Personal Life - Exam stress, Tedious Break ups
So it was that time of the year again - end of semester which means exams. Joy of joys. Think that's enough said about exams - we've all experienced the joy of exams.
On the other hand, I've finally stepped up and taken responsibility for my own happiness and I'm now a single lady. Financial reasons means I've had to live with my ex-boyfriend (though separate rooms) for close to a month now. He's moving out tomorrow (though hasn't packed a single thing nor organised anything - so I'll believe it when I see it). Being separated seems to mean that he no longer has to refrain himself from being nasty - he's really shown how truly horrible he can be. I has been a horrible experience and I can't wait to be truly free from him. He's also incredibly lazy - I'm going to the town to see an old friend and sort out something for university after posting this. I asked if there was anything he needed for town, he said yeah and then later proceeded to ask me to get him both a pen and a piece of paper so he can write a list... despite the fact that I was in the front room, and he was in the lounge.... 2 meters away from the desk with our stationary.
Leaving someone when you've got so much together - emotionally and financially is so daunting. If it weren't for 2 members of this website, I'd still be in his arms, accepting the abuse and blaming myself for it. I can not thank Mthrnite enough for the support and courage that he gave me. I know I was incredibly selfish in recent times with him, and he was incredibly selfless. He is such a good person, and I just hope that everything will be be awesome for him and his family.
Tempcast
This has been the source of many a question. So here goes. Yes, I'm no longer part of the tempcast team. Yes, it's all my fault. Mthrnite - who is a brilliant leader and 'manager' of the tempast project - made some much needed executive decisions to move along the podcast production. Being the spoilt selfish brat that I have been lately, opted to get pissed off at not getting my own way, and rather than acting calmy and rationally, I had a massive hissy fit. Threw a lot of mud, said a lot of shit that I really shouldn't have and generally acted like a bitch. Mthrnite, being the star he is, was overtly forgiving and said that anyone who had the tempcast tag was still part of the team. Again being a spoilt bratty bitch, again threw a hissy fit and told him to stick his forgiveness somewhere else (Actually, I think I was more polite than that). So, quite wisely and pretty much at my request, he removed me from the tempcast team.
The tempcast team is still very much alive, which is brilliant, with SpikeyNDS being back on the show - which is undeniably brilliant. I really enjoyed being part of the tempcast and really wish them all of the best with it. I look forward to all the future coming episodes.
I'm eternally sorry to Mthrnite for the bratty shite and abuse I gave him. And eternally grateful for the fact that despite the shite, he still took the time from his busy life to talk to me, listen to me and support me.
Due to some crap with my webhost, the mthrnite fanclub that was hosted at wumga, got lost from the interwebs. I do still have a copy on my laptop which just needs a new power lead at the moment - so as soon as thats down, mthr club is back in full force! He really is a super guy!
A friend Lost
This is one of the things that I regret the most, other than being a bitch to Mthr. One of the first people I met on the site, had been nothing but supportive, kind and all around generally brilliant. Recently though, I completely took that for granted. And again acted like a spoilt bratty bitch. He gave me countless chances, and defended me even when I was so incredibly clearly in the wrong. Each time, I just threw it in his face and acted like a complete cow. As a result, I've completely lost him. I don't blame him - I did little to deserve his friendship, I just wish I had a time machine. I really hope he is happy and does well in his life though =) Some of this was spurred on by the person who is about to be discussed in the final section.... I hate the fact that I let someone effect a friendship with someone else.
A new friend found and lost
Gah, and this is the most frustrating part. So, I got talking to a member from the site, and we quite quickly become friends.... very close friends. We spoke alot on skype and msn, had giggly inside jokes and generally seemed to be there for each other. This is the other person who helped me realise I had to leave Matt. Then, he was going away. Then through some reasons or other, several things suggested he hadn't gone away after all - giving him the benefit of the doubt, I tried to ask him about it. Then, he just completely disappeared. It went from hot to cold, on to off, nearly instantly. Except he didn't disappear because he's been online on several sites. I tried calling and leaving voice messages - I know he picked them up because he had to change his voicegreeting to do so. Probably actually tried calling a few too many times. I'm really sorry to him for that. Seems he's just completely ignoring me. Though I can't see why. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, I dont think he is a liar. Even if he is, I don't care. People make mistakes. I just really which I could talk to him - even if its one final time to find out what the fuck happened. He meant so much to me, means so much to me. I don't want to discount him from my life just yet though it really does seem like he's made that decision. I just wish I could just get something from him - even a "leave me alone" so I know where I stand. There are a few other issues with this at the moment - but here is not the time nor the place.
Overall
Overall I do hope that I am in fact not a spoilt bratty bitch - and that I was just acting like one. I know I can never repair the damage that I did, but I sure as hell am going to learn my lesson. Only rinse, lather, repeating will be on my shiny shiny hair.
Soon I'll be moving into my new home, and starting my shiny new placement year job. I think this fresh start is the best shot at happiness in a long time - I just hate the fact that there had to be so many casualities along the way.
Now I hope typing this hasn't meant I've missed the deadline for handing in my form!!
I've been a very very stupid (to say the least) person at the moment. I've had a very very short fuse, and blown up at people that I have so much respect and wuv for. What's worse is that I didn't learn my lesson the first time - rinse, lather, repeat as a very good and wise person once said. Lost many a good friend in the past few weeks/months.
I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me - infact, if you do read it, you will probably find you should hate me. Though I highly doubt anyone will read it. I'm not using circumstance to excuse bad behaviour - there is no excuse for lashing out at friends, ever.
Personal Life - Exam stress, Tedious Break ups
So it was that time of the year again - end of semester which means exams. Joy of joys. Think that's enough said about exams - we've all experienced the joy of exams.
On the other hand, I've finally stepped up and taken responsibility for my own happiness and I'm now a single lady. Financial reasons means I've had to live with my ex-boyfriend (though separate rooms) for close to a month now. He's moving out tomorrow (though hasn't packed a single thing nor organised anything - so I'll believe it when I see it). Being separated seems to mean that he no longer has to refrain himself from being nasty - he's really shown how truly horrible he can be. I has been a horrible experience and I can't wait to be truly free from him. He's also incredibly lazy - I'm going to the town to see an old friend and sort out something for university after posting this. I asked if there was anything he needed for town, he said yeah and then later proceeded to ask me to get him both a pen and a piece of paper so he can write a list... despite the fact that I was in the front room, and he was in the lounge.... 2 meters away from the desk with our stationary.
Leaving someone when you've got so much together - emotionally and financially is so daunting. If it weren't for 2 members of this website, I'd still be in his arms, accepting the abuse and blaming myself for it. I can not thank Mthrnite enough for the support and courage that he gave me. I know I was incredibly selfish in recent times with him, and he was incredibly selfless. He is such a good person, and I just hope that everything will be be awesome for him and his family.
Tempcast
This has been the source of many a question. So here goes. Yes, I'm no longer part of the tempcast team. Yes, it's all my fault. Mthrnite - who is a brilliant leader and 'manager' of the tempast project - made some much needed executive decisions to move along the podcast production. Being the spoilt selfish brat that I have been lately, opted to get pissed off at not getting my own way, and rather than acting calmy and rationally, I had a massive hissy fit. Threw a lot of mud, said a lot of shit that I really shouldn't have and generally acted like a bitch. Mthrnite, being the star he is, was overtly forgiving and said that anyone who had the tempcast tag was still part of the team. Again being a spoilt bratty bitch, again threw a hissy fit and told him to stick his forgiveness somewhere else (Actually, I think I was more polite than that). So, quite wisely and pretty much at my request, he removed me from the tempcast team.
The tempcast team is still very much alive, which is brilliant, with SpikeyNDS being back on the show - which is undeniably brilliant. I really enjoyed being part of the tempcast and really wish them all of the best with it. I look forward to all the future coming episodes.
I'm eternally sorry to Mthrnite for the bratty shite and abuse I gave him. And eternally grateful for the fact that despite the shite, he still took the time from his busy life to talk to me, listen to me and support me.
Due to some crap with my webhost, the mthrnite fanclub that was hosted at wumga, got lost from the interwebs. I do still have a copy on my laptop which just needs a new power lead at the moment - so as soon as thats down, mthr club is back in full force! He really is a super guy!
A friend Lost
This is one of the things that I regret the most, other than being a bitch to Mthr. One of the first people I met on the site, had been nothing but supportive, kind and all around generally brilliant. Recently though, I completely took that for granted. And again acted like a spoilt bratty bitch. He gave me countless chances, and defended me even when I was so incredibly clearly in the wrong. Each time, I just threw it in his face and acted like a complete cow. As a result, I've completely lost him. I don't blame him - I did little to deserve his friendship, I just wish I had a time machine. I really hope he is happy and does well in his life though =) Some of this was spurred on by the person who is about to be discussed in the final section.... I hate the fact that I let someone effect a friendship with someone else.
A new friend found and lost
Gah, and this is the most frustrating part. So, I got talking to a member from the site, and we quite quickly become friends.... very close friends. We spoke alot on skype and msn, had giggly inside jokes and generally seemed to be there for each other. This is the other person who helped me realise I had to leave Matt. Then, he was going away. Then through some reasons or other, several things suggested he hadn't gone away after all - giving him the benefit of the doubt, I tried to ask him about it. Then, he just completely disappeared. It went from hot to cold, on to off, nearly instantly. Except he didn't disappear because he's been online on several sites. I tried calling and leaving voice messages - I know he picked them up because he had to change his voicegreeting to do so. Probably actually tried calling a few too many times. I'm really sorry to him for that. Seems he's just completely ignoring me. Though I can't see why. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, I dont think he is a liar. Even if he is, I don't care. People make mistakes. I just really which I could talk to him - even if its one final time to find out what the fuck happened. He meant so much to me, means so much to me. I don't want to discount him from my life just yet though it really does seem like he's made that decision. I just wish I could just get something from him - even a "leave me alone" so I know where I stand. There are a few other issues with this at the moment - but here is not the time nor the place.
Overall
Overall I do hope that I am in fact not a spoilt bratty bitch - and that I was just acting like one. I know I can never repair the damage that I did, but I sure as hell am going to learn my lesson. Only rinse, lather, repeating will be on my shiny shiny hair.
Soon I'll be moving into my new home, and starting my shiny new placement year job. I think this fresh start is the best shot at happiness in a long time - I just hate the fact that there had to be so many casualities along the way.
Now I hope typing this hasn't meant I've missed the deadline for handing in my form!!
