Chuck Norris Jokes!

Discussion in 'General Off-Topic Chat' started by Kyuzumaki, Oct 16, 2007.

  1. Kyuzumaki
    OP

    Kyuzumaki GBAtemp Regular

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    [​IMG]

    Chuck Norris is the only person on record to have logged onto WoW using only his mind.
    [​IMG]

    Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo went into hiding.
     


  2. Jax

    Jax Pip Pip Cheerioink!

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    Welcome to 2005...



    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
     
  3. dice

    dice pansy-ass ex-staff member

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  4. Sonicslasher

    Sonicslasher In Law we trust.

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    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
     
  5. dice

    dice pansy-ass ex-staff member

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    chuck norris miiiii

    [​IMG]
     
  6. Veho

    Veho The man who cried "Ni".

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    Chuck Norris defines love as an absence of killing. The only reason you're alive now is that Chuck Norris loves you.
     
  7. BoneMonkey

    BoneMonkey The cheese stash is a lie.

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    Chuck norris can count to infinity ......... with 1 finger !
     
  8. Heran Bago

    Heran Bago Where do puyo come from?

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    Old and unfunny. [​IMG]
    I mean you might as well have a mudkips thread.
     
  9. JPH

    JPH Banned

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    This is like...last year. [​IMG]
    But my favorite:

    Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

    p.s. Shouldn't this be in the Testing Area?

    Edit:
    I overheard my teachers, in lunch yesterday, making Chuck Norris jokes!
     
  10. Veho

    Veho The man who cried "Ni".

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    [​IMG]


    Don't let Chuck Norris hear you!


    [​IMG]
     
  11. jimmy j

    jimmy j Awesome for hire.

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    Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door!

    When Chuck Norris jumps into a pool, he doesn't get wet... the water gets Chuck Norris!
     
  12. nintendofreak

    nintendofreak Around. Shoot me a PM.

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    Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg!! [​IMG]
     
  13. megatron_lives

    megatron_lives GBAtemp Regular

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    Chuck norris has two speeds; walk and kill

    bored now
     
  14. Sonicslasher

    Sonicslasher In Law we trust.

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    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
     
  15. Fiddy101

    Fiddy101 Newbie

    Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


    The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


    Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


    The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.


    Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.


    Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.


    If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.


    Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."


    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.


    Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.


    Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.


    Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.


    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.


    Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.


    Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.


    Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.


    If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.


    We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.


    Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.


    At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris


    Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.


    Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.


    A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.


    Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.


    Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.
    If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.


    Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.


    If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.


    Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.


    They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.


    Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.


    Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.


    When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.


    Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.


    The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.


    Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.


    A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.


    The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".


    Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.


    Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.


    Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.


    Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.


    Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris


    Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.


    When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.


    Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.


    Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".


    Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.


    When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.
    One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.


    Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.


    Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.


    Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"


    In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.


    Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.


    Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.


    Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.


    Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
    Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.


    Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.


    Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


    The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.


    Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.


    Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.


    When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.


    When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.


    Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.


    Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.


    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.


    When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

    If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.


    Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.


    Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.
     
  16. megatron_lives

    megatron_lives GBAtemp Regular

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    nice one noob - that's a list!!
     
  17. Sonicslasher

    Sonicslasher In Law we trust.

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    [​IMG]
     
  18. science

    science science rules

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    wtf i dont get it
     
  19. science

    science science rules

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    Chuck Norris beat Tetris.
     
  20. Fiddy101

    Fiddy101 Newbie

    thanks noob