Bortz's Free Advice Thread

Discussion in 'The Edge of the Forum' started by BORTZ, Sep 25, 2012.

Sep 25, 2012

Bortz's Free Advice Thread by BORTZ at 12:58 AM (4,138 Views / 0 Likes) 114 replies

  1. BORTZ
    OP

    Global Moderator BORTZ wtf, nintendo

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    Having a problem? Want to ask hypothetical questions? Need insight on a matter at hand? Look no further.

    You can ask me for advice for anyone of your problems and ill try to help you with your situation.
    *sarcasm included for free*

    EDUT: So i guess this has kinda turned into Srs in the Eof. If you have a real question about life and shiz, go right ahead, this is a safe sharing zone. And anything sarcastic like Terminator02's stuff is certainly allowed too. I like nonsense stuff like that.
     


  2. Tom Bombadildo

    Contributor Tom Bombadildo Honk!

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    Bortz help my hands are huge and it makes it hard to fist p1ngy. What can I do?
     
  3. Hyro-Sama

    Member Hyro-Sama I'm from the fucking future.

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    How can we get certain attention whores who create shit threads in the EOF on a daily basis banned/suspended?
     
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  4. chavosaur

    Reporter chavosaur Austin Trujillo

    pip
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    I have all this candy corn, and cant fit any more in my mouth. Where should I put it now?!
     
  5. Tom Bombadildo

    Contributor Tom Bombadildo Honk!

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    Shove them up your ass.

    Hey! I'm good at giving advice too!
     
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  6. chavosaur

    Reporter chavosaur Austin Trujillo

    pip
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    I was hoping for something more creative then my ass!
    Thats the obvious go to... for shame...
     
  7. Tom Bombadildo

    Contributor Tom Bombadildo Honk!

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    I suppose you could force each one into your dong, but that'd probably hurt.
     
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  8. chavosaur

    Reporter chavosaur Austin Trujillo

    pip
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    Now thats... creative...:wtf:
     
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  9. Hyro-Sama

    Member Hyro-Sama I'm from the fucking future.

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    Is it just me or is is getting kinky in here?

    [​IMG]
     
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  10. Ammako

    Member Ammako GBAtemp Guru

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    How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
     
  11. BORTZ
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    Global Moderator BORTZ wtf, nintendo

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    Wow i knew our community was troubled, but i had no idea it was this bad. Dont worry loyal citizens, your savior is here.


    There are actually alot of things i can suggest for this problem.
    1. The most obvious is to go slow. One finger at a time.
    2. Its possible you might need lube. I would suggest some of this.
    3.If all else fails, you might just have to go all in and hope for the best. This usually only works with the element of surprise. LEROY JENKINS.


    I suggest not posting in their threads. Dont tell them they suck, just ignore them. Eventually they wont make threads, because negative attention is better than none. And if they are getting none...


    Ok so do you live at home with mom and dad like i do (and im 22 lol)? Ok heres what i would suggest:
    I would take them one by one and hide them around the house. Suggested hiding spots:
    1.Remove the batteries from the TV remote and stick a few in there.
    2.Smash some in a few pages of your sisters school text books, in the later chapters where teachers never get to.
    3. Tape one to you parents toothbrushes.
    4. While in your bathroom, empty a bottle of meds and put a few in there instead.
    5. In your siblings pillows...
    etc. You get the idea.
     
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  12. BORTZ
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    Global Moderator BORTZ wtf, nintendo

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    Yes it is. Remember these are supposed to be more of advice seeking questions, not simple deductive questions.

    Since this is more of a mathematical/logic proposal, i took the liberty of going out to wiki answers for this one. Its actually a pretty involved debate.
     
  13. nukeboy95

    Member nukeboy95 Leave luck to heaven.

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    i need help my keyboard is on fire
     
  14. Narayan

    Member Narayan desu~

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    help me a get a girl
     
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  15. SinHarvest24

    Member SinHarvest24 Shiroyasha

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    I does one go about seeking a relationship with Selena Gomez?
     
  16. Terminator02

    Member Terminator02 ヽ( 。 ヮ゚)ノ

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    My penis is on fire and my feet are nailed to the ground. The only items in reach are a keyboard, mouse, monitor, microphone, headphones, desk chair, stapler, hot glue gun, pen, silica gel, a private island, a hammer, and a fire extinguisher. What do?
     
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  17. nukeboy95

    Member nukeboy95 Leave luck to heaven.

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    GRAB THE STAPLER
     
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  18. Narayan

    Member Narayan desu~

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    i suggest we let the great bortz speak first.
     
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  19. BORTZ
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    Global Moderator BORTZ wtf, nintendo

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    The easiest way to put this out is probably to start removing keys individually until there arent any more to burn. The fire will go out on its own.

    I would suggest stop lurking on the internet. This is gonna require a list.
    Go out side. Remember to wear sunglasses and sun screen because everyone on the Temp is a pasty white mass.
    Speaking of mass, join a gym. You should also adjust your diet to health foods, green and protein. Now im not suggesting you go all muscle head and get ripped, but get in shape. Start losing weight and youll feel better yourself.
    Next you should start working on your small talk. Use the F.O.R.D. method. Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams.
    If you need more, let me know.

    Use the methods ive described above. Then move on to the next step.

    Track her down on Facebook, Twitter, and any other general social network site. Find teen magazines and enter as many "win a date with a celeb" contents as you can. Win the contest. Hang out with SG for the day. Take pictures, small chat, and try advancing to first base as soon as possible. Take her to a bar or something. Order her a drink. While she isnt looking, slip some sort of drug into her shiz and shes yours for the night.
    BONUS ROUND, make off with her kidneys. Sell one, keep the other for EVER!


    IF your computer is on, i suggest emailing the local fire department.
    IF not, strap your self in. Sit down in the chair and grab the pen. You are gonna need it to preform surgery on yourself. Use the pen and create an incision near your lower ribs. Once thats big enough to get your fist into, reach in and break off your bottom two ribs from both side. Pull them out and throw them away. You dont need them anymore. Use the stapler to close up the wound and hot glue any of the still open cuts. Use the hammer if some of the staples arent going in deep enough.

    Now you should be able to bend over far enough to suck your own penis. This way, you can start sucking off the flames from your ween.

    You are welcome.
     
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  20. Crystal the Glaceon

    Member Crystal the Glaceon GBAtemp Inkling™ Squishies~

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    Is there a way to help me become even cuter than I already am?
    I am pretty damn adorable, but I think I need to amp it up a bit.
     

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