Book Project: Magrad: Jethro and Jianne

Discussion in 'GBAtemp Art Studio' started by Narayan, Mar 28, 2011.

Mar 28, 2011
  1. Narayan
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    Member Narayan desu~

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    I first read about Duskye's short stories. Then KingdomBlade posted his. And with Argentum Vir's Advice, I finally was able to write what i was thinking. but putting it in words than creating a world is harder since i'm not that fluent in english.

    Prologue(full)
    "Ah, it's good to be back home, don't you think?"
    "Yeah, I never thought we'd be able to come back here Tears. What we went through..." She paused for a moment and looked sad. "I never want to see that again."
    Suddenly, Teal cried.
    "Don't worry Teal, I'm right here for you. The village is just right in front of us." Motioning towards the village not far below the cliff they were standing. "Let's forget the past and start anew, as a couple."
    Teal wiping her tears. "You're right. Let's go home."

    Tears and Teal. The two Heroes of the peaceful Kingdom of Magrad. Which peace was disrupted for years by the Kingdom of Richebark.
    Stiggard, their hometown is a small village surrounded by mountains. Most people who live here are travelers since they are surrounded by mountains, they don't have tourists and other travelers, and without those, there will be nothing to connect them to the Capital City of Sauckte.
    The former Village Chief before they left to participate in the war, is Teal's mother, Lecrese. Now, Norbert, Tears' father, is the one leading the village. [/p]prologue is meant to be a bit misleading and foggy for future reasons.



    Chapter 1: Meeting in the Woods
    5 hours before Tears and Teal's arrival, siblings Jethro and Jianne went to the forest to look for something they can give as a welcome gift for their cousin Tears.
    Jethro, 16, is the older of the two. Smart, humorous, responsible and good at cooking. He makes sure that his little sister is always safe.
    Jianne, 12, Jethro's little sister. A bit spoiled, bossy, but makes good decisions.

    It's been five years since they last seen their cousin Tears, so they want to make something special for him. Since Jethro can cook, they decided to cook.
    They were just about to pick up the last ingredient when they felt someone's presence. Instinctively, they hid themselves behind the tree, and lowered their presence, hoping that will not be discovered. But before they knew it, the one whose presence they felt was already in front of them. Surprised, the two of them sat there, unable to move.

    It's a spirit in a form of a kitten. Even though it's small, they heard stories about what spirits can do. However, it just looked at them with curiosity, then noticing that the two are afraid, it fled.

    "Do you think it'll come back anya?"
    "I hope not, but let's go, just in case."
    They stood up. Quickly, they went to pick up the mushrooms and ran towards the village.
    On the way, Jethro said "Let's not tell anyone else besides Tears about the spirit." "Why anya?" Jianne asked.
    "Because I felt something weird while it was looking at us." "Like it didn't feel hostile? You think we can tame it and form a pact?" Jianne replied.
    "That's why I said we're asking what Tears is going to say."
    Okay, but don't you think it's a little cute?" Smiling, she looked at Jethro. Jethro looked back with a serious face and said "That face won't work this time." "Hmph!"

    When they arrived at Tears' house, they went straight towards the kitchen. Only an hour left before Tears' and Teal supposedly arrives.
    They still haven't finished cooking when Tears and Teal came through the kitchen door. "I smell something good!" Jianne surprised when he heard Tears voice. "This was supposed to be a surprise!" "Haha, you're both still too young to be surprising us." Teal replied. "But we appreciate the effort." Tears said while patting Jianne's head.
    "Kuya Tears, we have something to talk about." Jethro wanting to discuss about earlier. "Something serious?" asked Tears.
    Jethro gave Jianne a look which means "You can tell him what happened while I finish cooking." and in an instant she got what he meant. "Okay anya. Tears, this is something we don't want to tell the others." She grabbed Tears and Teal's hand and dragged them both outside. Tears complained, "Wait! We haven't even tasted any food yet." "The hungrier you get, the tastier the food is!" Jianne reasoned. "Well, it's true." Teal added.

    When they were finally alone, Teal said "Okay can you tell what's your secret now? My Tears is getting famished." "We saw a spirit. It looks friendly and cute." Jianne answered. Tears and Teal looked at each other then back to Jianne. "When did this happen?" asked Tears.
    Jianne told both about the meeting earlier but there wasn't much to tell.
    "I'm glad you're both safe. It seems it just got lost or it's looking for something. But i'd like to see it myself first." Tears said. "But it does seem friendly, Tears and I will help you two in taming it." Teal added.
    "Really?"
    "Yeah but if we think you it's too much for you yet, we abort this mission." Teal said.
    "Okay, Let's go back Teal and Jianne, i'm really hungry."
    They went back to Tears' house. Jethro have already finished cooking and everything else was ready, and they started the celebration.[/p]



    Midnight Visit - something I removed because it goes against my goal. *sigh* i liked this part a bit.
    Silence, a deafening silence, was all that can be heard. The whole village's already asleep. But there's something that's still moving. It went from one house to another, looking for something. Finally it stopped by a window, checked first to see if the room's safe. With this, it went in and jumped over the person sleeping in the bed. A boy about the age of 16. Suddenly it stopped, there was something about that boy. It quickly regained it's composure and jumped over the person in the nearby bed. A young girl. It found it's target, it dropped the item beside the sleeping girl. It went back to the boy, looked at him carefully and bit his right shoulder and immediately fled.[/p]

    These are still drafts. But i have the plot already in my mind. The story will revolve around Jethro and Jianne, but Tears and Teal will play important roles in the story. Magrad is the Kingdom they live. I'll be making a quota of one draft chapter per week. Hopefully, this will be a good story.
     
  2. Shockwind

    Member Shockwind GBATemp's Official The Last of Us Fan

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    That's pretty good. You're pretty good. [​IMG]
    And me too. I'm not very fluent at English. I wrote a story, but I don't want to post it. [​IMG]
     
  3. Narayan
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    Member Narayan desu~

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    ahh, thanks. reading manga and some books help. but i must keep myself from accidentally copying others' plot and style. which is a bit hard. anyway, Jethro and Jianne are really my cousins. i just made this all up this morning. since writing something in my notebook like a journal last night felt good.
     
  4. Shockwind

    Member Shockwind GBATemp's Official The Last of Us Fan

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    You just wrote it this morning? [​IMG] Is there chapter 2?
     
  5. KingdomBlade

    Member KingdomBlade Blade v3+ (I R SHMEXY)

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    Perhaps you should make paragraphs instead of making them line per line. [​IMG]

    Also.. do you like my stories?....

    It's a draft. I wrote this in 15 minutes while I was waiting for my friend to get to McDonalds.

    I had to get away from him. I just had to. If I stayed here any longer, I might die. He threatened to kill me, didn't he? He was insane.

    I tried to love him, but he just wasn't the man I loved anymore. He hit me, screamed at me, and came at me for even the slightest mistakes. We haven't ate together in months, haven't been intimate for even longer than that. We sleep in seperate beds. Our marraige is crumbling, no doubt about it.

    I don't think he loves me either. I've been trying to get my head around the idea that he used to be this smart, handsome lawyer, and that he still is now. But he isn't. Even as a lawyer, he doesn't give mercy. He's ruthless and does whatever it takes to win.

    I leaped out of bed, thankfully my husband wasn't here. He was working late. I grabbed my phone, the keys to my car, and a small backpack of clothes. I needed money too. My husband kept all of the money in his wallet. I knew here to find it, under the pillow of his bed. I never took from it since he would notice. He keeps a lot of money and I can only get money when I ask for it. I grabbed 10 hundred dollar bills.

    But as I was about to leap from his bed, I noticed something else below his pillow. A journal. I didn't know he kept one. Curiosity came over me and I peeked at the most recent entry.

    "I'm leaving. I can't take this place anymore. I've decided to leave everything behind, start fresh, focus on my career. I have much more money in bank account so it shouldn't be a problem."

    "I wish I could go back to that time where everything felt right. Our honeymoon. I still love her. I just don't think that it's a good thing anymore."

    I wept in silence as I flipped through the pages of his journal.[/p]

    UNRELATED EDIT: Hmm. My new ava and sig look weird on me.
     
  6. Narayan
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    Member Narayan desu~

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    no chapter 2 yet, prologue isn't complete, chapter 1 is also incomplete. i have only plots for the storyline but not events. though i'll work on it tonight but i only have probably two or more hours later before i sleep.

    @KingdomBlade
    i have to be honest, i just read it now. yep it's good. i like it but i like to hear more. i'm the type of person that's always curious. i like I don't want her to get bored most. I want to see more with Ruthless. it doesn't interest me much because it's not the type i usually read. but maybe if i dig deeper.

    it's line per line because the person speaking is different, i't kinda like The 39 Clues. This is the first time I'm writing a story so I'm still learning.

    i don't find your ava weird. but it's just a normal alice.
     
  7. alphenor

    Newcomer alphenor Advanced Member

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    it may need more characters... aniki [​IMG]
     
  8. Nujui

    Member Nujui I need something to do.

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    Holy crap, I forgot about my story.

    I've been away from the art section for awhile.
     
  9. KingdomBlade

    Member KingdomBlade Blade v3+ (I R SHMEXY)

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    Perhaps you could write some shorter stories. I remember when I tried writing a book, after the second chapter I got tired and walked away.

    I never liked 39 Cues really, I find that the story was oversold and repetitive.

    Writing a new one now. [​IMG] It's sorta like I Don't Want Her to Get Bored. (coincidentally, that's the favorite of most of my friends and a bunch of other people too)
     
  10. Narayan
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    Member Narayan desu~

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    hmm, i don't think i can keep this story short. because i already have parts of ideas of what happened in the Kingdom of Magrad. Jethro and Jianne isn't the main story btw. i'm currently working on a more solid foundation to avoid future conflicts in the story. like where the village is located, what year is it, the technology and such.
     
  11. Cloak519

    Member Cloak519 GBAtemp Advanced Fan

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    Excellent! I found it to be very enjoyable and your use of language is superb. Keep it up!
     
  12. alex_0706

    Member alex_0706 darknessblade

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    if it is a manga i like to help with the story
    i'm actually reading my 8gb of manga's
    i've downloaded this it is more usefull than reading on a site
    and you can read it faster.
    i can read 160 chapters whit 40 pages each in 12 hours but i need to have the time for this
    but if you need any help of the lik to the program (i'ts totaly free an you do'n't need to install it)if you need help just pm me [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
     
  13. Narayan
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    Member Narayan desu~

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    err. No it's only texts. and i'm still working on chapter two. there isn't much to read yet actually.

    you can hmm, looks like you can read a lot more than what i can. i can only read 120 chapters with 20 pages for ten hours(overnight).
    and what program do you mean?
     
  14. alex_0706

    Member alex_0706 darknessblade

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    this program: free manga downloader
    this is the link
    no need for install
    it is totaly useble with the program: droid comic viewer (.apk) any posseble output file is useble

    well the 160 chapters with 40 pages each is only 12 in a row
    normaly with 0.5-1 hour the time it is: 5-15 chapters with 40 pages each

    and there's a program : that you can use to make a manga/anime character yourself (i don't know wich program you can seach for this in google)
    you can read the manga's after you have downloaded it ofline just chance the output folder and the sites you like (if you chance the file of the images (map/cbr/rar) you can't read it normaly on you pc/laptop)
    well i made i mostake in the amout of gb for amout of the maga's the actual is 14,4gb
     
  15. Narayan
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    Member Narayan desu~

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    filled Meeting in the woods and a preview of chapter two.

    Chapter 2: Flower and Patient(preview)
    While Jianne was waking up, she noticed something beside her. She picked it up, "What a pretty little flower, who could have left this here?" Thinking of some boys in the village. She thought "Maybe someone sneaked in last night. Isn't this romantic? But there should be a letter." "Anya, loo... Anya!!" She was going to tell her brother but he was...

    *snip*

    She ran as fast as she can trying to avoid bumping into other villagers. When she arrived at the doctor's house she knocked so hard that the doctor rushed quickly to the door and was very worried what had happened.[/p]

    i'd like to get feedbacks. especially pointing out some mistakes in grammar, what you don't like, better writing style, etc.
     
  16. alex_0706

    Member alex_0706 darknessblade

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    what do you think of the program???
     
  17. Narayan
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    Member Narayan desu~

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    didn't try it yet, but it looks good. in reading manga offline i use CDisplay. but i only download manga if i start from first chapter and the series already have 100+ chapters. and right now i don't have time to read from chapter 1 up to 100. so i won't be able to try it out for a few weeks.
     
  18. alex_0706

    Member alex_0706 darknessblade

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    well my last readded manga was ef the story of the two i read it in 3 hours
    wel i can now read a lot faster (i think mi minimum guesing was wrong) wel it is 20-40 chapters in a half hour-1,5 hour

    and my max stays on 'his place because i can't read 12 hours at once for now (i don't have any vocation now)
    wel if you are going to use the program you can use the ***** mail me for whats the stars mean

    (this is because of some rules)
    that i don't want to break
     

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