This is more or less a rant/a call for help/life-story. Since people around me care about me and want me to be well, but cannot really understand the situation I'm in at the moment I've decided to discuss this with my fellow tempers in hopes that someone out there may understand me. Some of the things I'm going to tell you about may seem trivial and I may look whiny. Just a fair warning should you continue to read this.
I've struggled with Anxiety since the age of 11 or 12. My parents got a divorce when I was very young and I don't remember much of the time when they were together, I ended up living with my mother after the divorce, only getting to visit my father every other weekend. My anxiety has always been there but have been going up and down in intensity over the years. You see, around this age I started talking to this girl who was part of my class in school. During the 6 years we went to the same school together we didn't talk much until the end of the last year. I discovered she shared many of my interests and I started getting another idea of her. I was starting to have feelings for her. Needless to say this bites me in the ass later, continue reading and see what I mean.
My mother was together with another man at this time. That is until he told her that he'd been having an affair for about 1 year, which resulted in her kicking him out. This changed her forever... She started drinking heavily and went out almost every weekend, leaving me and my 9 year old sister alone in our house for long periods of time without anyone taking care of us. While I handled it pretty well at first but I started having these attacks where I had a hard time breathing and almost endless crying. Of course I made sure to put my sister to bed before those attacks started, I didn't want to show her how weak I was.
One night I had enough and called her while she was out drinking:
Me: "Please come home, mother. I need you. I can't take care of my sister alone"
Mother: "You can keep it together until tomorrow. I need to get out of this goddamn house every once in a while!"
Me: "No! I can't keep it together. You should be here for us!"
She hung up on me and came home about half an hour later. I was happy and went to the door to greet her. I was met by a furious voice:
Mother: "I AM TIRED OF CONSTANTLY BEING STUCK IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE!"
Me: "Mom, please hear me out..."
Mother: "NO! YOU'RE GOING TO BED AND I AM GOING TO THE LIVING ROOM AND DRINK UNTIL I AM ON THE FLOOR PUKING MY GUTS OUT!"
I basically broke down crying at this point and went to my room. Can't really remember the rest of that night.
Time went on however and I was soon the be going to a different school since I basically got out of intermediate level of school. I was afraid of telling the girl I liked about my feelings so I never got around to it. When I was 15 I finally told her and she told me that she only liked me as a friend. Needless to say I was devastated and I couldn't let her go.
At this point in time my mother's addiction to alcohol was more severe and she drank almost every evening, every day of the week. My anxiety was lower then and I didn't think too much about it. That was until she let people with drug problems into the house. Time went on and I turned 17. My sister was 15 at this point and started drinking, hanging out at parties and whatnot. The kind of stuff most teenagers start doing. My sister snuck out one night to go to a party and my mother became furious when she found out. She had someone take their car looking for her. They found her walking to the party a few kilometers away from our house.
They came home, my mother screaming and being all around crazy to say the least. I wanted to check on my sister so I went to her room. While going there one of my mother's friends who had some serious drug problems and not being able to raise his son himself said: "Your sister is really disrepectful doing something like that!"
I wanted to punch him in the face but continued on to my sister's room and saw a sight I probably will never forget: My sister sat on her bed with a razor in her left and her right wrist bleeding. She was apathetic and I ran towards her, thinking the worst. I started crying and checked her pulse. She was still alive and the cut wasn't really deep but still horrible. I started asking her why she did it and she didn't respond. I quickly ran to her closet to find a cloth to clean the blood from her hands and wrist.
I asked her again:
Me: "What happened?! Why did you do this?!"
She: "Mother hit me... Mother hit me and threw me into the car. I can't take this anymore!"
I told her how much she meant to me and the other people around her and that her life shouldn't end this way. I called my dad and helped arrange for my sister to move within the week. I wanted her out of this hellhole of a house. I would gladly stay around if it meant that she could move to our dad and be happy.
Things calmed down at my mom's house after my sister moved and time went on. I was still more or less obsessed with the same girl from before. One year later around when I turned 18 we started talking about it for some reason and I admitted that I couldn't let her go for some reason. She told me that she thinks that she started having feelings for me as well and that we should try dating for a while and see where it leads. It ended 2 weeks later when she told me she was into this girl in her school (she is bisexual). Yet again I was heartbroken and decided that I can't continue feeling this way for her. I decided to let her go.
That christmas my mother got a stroke and were close to dying and around this time my anxiety started for real again. I was worried day and night about my mother and about life in general. Mother got out of the hospital about 2 months later and things were pretty calm for a few months. Still my anxiety was running rampant and I was worried about almost everything everyday. I wouldn't let it get the best of me though and I decided to hold out until I graduated from high school.
I graduated in June 2011 and was still staying at my mother's place looking for a job. That August my mother started freaking out again, calling me lazy as I couldn't get a job. She seemed to think that I wasn't even trying to get a job even though I was searching almost daily. I woke up early one morning in August 2011 feeling the same kinds of attacks I had when I was 12, but this time even more intense. I couldn't feel my right leg, arm or face and I started fearing that I was having some kind of serious medical condition. I remember going outside for a walk because I had to test myself to see if I could still use my limbs. I could use but not feel them. It was terrifying.
I went to the hospital that day to get myself checked out. They told me that I've been having panic attacks which can lead to numbness in limbs. They gave me anti-anxiety medicine called sertraline and told me to take one a day.
I ended up at my big brother's place a few days later and stayed with him for a couple of days. I didn't want to take the medicine and decided to hold off for a while to see if I could take care of this myself. Needless to say I had another severe panic attack while my brother was driving me somewhere. I finally decided that I couldn't stay at my mother's place and decided to move to my dad.
For one year I was really feeling down. Having severe anxiety and panic attacks with a touch of Hypochondria since I was still not really feeling my right arm or leg. I could be up whole nights just crying and finding life empty and stale. One week got so painful that my father (who was working several miles from my home at the time) came home to be there for me when I needed him. I went to the hospital again and told them that I needed someone to talk to. I wanted help, they only told me to take the medicine and carry on with my life.
I met another girl online during this period. We hit it off pretty good and I was starting to feel much better, I was finally having someone to share a certain part of my life with. I ended up visiting her a couple of times, having a really good time. However, in the summer of 2012 we were planning on me going to her mother's place where I was to getting to know her and one of her parents better. We were supposed to live in a cabin that her mother owned for a week. It sounded great!
I was using the medicine at this time to hinder my panic attacks. Sometimes the pills would make me really tired and the night before I was going to her place I was chatting with her while laying in bed with my phone. I fell asleep when I was about to order my tickets and I overslept. So our plans were pretty much ruined. She thought however that I was avoiding her, so she took it personally that I screwed up.
She didn't talk to me for a week and when we finally got around to talking I told her that I thought that she treated me unfairly without giving me time to explain I messed up. This ended up in her telling me that she thinks that I am always feeling sorry for myself and they we probably shouldn't be talking anymore, neither as friends or lovers. I was devastated and told her that I wanted to be alone and that I had to log off. To which she said: "There you go again! Feeling sorry for yourself!"
I got angry and told her that I really liked her and that I felt sad about what she just told me about us not talking anymore. I said that she more or less was acting like a princess that everyone had to change themselves for.
We were to meet at a convention that summer and I knew she was still going even though we didn't speak to each other anymore. Feeling bad about what I said I told her that I wanted to meet and talk about it face to face. She just sent me a message saying: "I don't have anything to say to you."
I tried contacting her one several occasions telling her how sorry I was about what I said. She had already made up her mind though and never answered any of the messages I sent her. So I decided to leave her alone.
Fast forward to today. When I am 21, still having big problems with anxiety and constantly comparing every girl I meet to the girl I met last year. I was really enjoying the time she and I had together I want to go back to make things right. I can't contact her since she has moved on and got together with another guy. I don't want to stalk her or make her uncomfortable. It's for the best that she just forgets about me.
Also, the girl I liked until I was 18 just came home from a year in Japan, where she has met this guy she is madly in love with and they seem to be hitting it off really good. I still can't help feeling a bit jealous of that guy though. Why did he have it so easy when I didn't?
I can't get rid of my anxiety, can't stop comparing girls to the girl I met last year and I am feeling so guilty for the things I said to her. I just don't know what to do about this and it's starting to feel hopeless.
Thank you for reading this topic. I just don't know where to go anymore or what to do. The only times I feel really happy anymore is when a new game I am looking forward to comes out or if I am around my brother.
I've struggled with Anxiety since the age of 11 or 12. My parents got a divorce when I was very young and I don't remember much of the time when they were together, I ended up living with my mother after the divorce, only getting to visit my father every other weekend. My anxiety has always been there but have been going up and down in intensity over the years. You see, around this age I started talking to this girl who was part of my class in school. During the 6 years we went to the same school together we didn't talk much until the end of the last year. I discovered she shared many of my interests and I started getting another idea of her. I was starting to have feelings for her. Needless to say this bites me in the ass later, continue reading and see what I mean.
My mother was together with another man at this time. That is until he told her that he'd been having an affair for about 1 year, which resulted in her kicking him out. This changed her forever... She started drinking heavily and went out almost every weekend, leaving me and my 9 year old sister alone in our house for long periods of time without anyone taking care of us. While I handled it pretty well at first but I started having these attacks where I had a hard time breathing and almost endless crying. Of course I made sure to put my sister to bed before those attacks started, I didn't want to show her how weak I was.
One night I had enough and called her while she was out drinking:
Me: "Please come home, mother. I need you. I can't take care of my sister alone"
Mother: "You can keep it together until tomorrow. I need to get out of this goddamn house every once in a while!"
Me: "No! I can't keep it together. You should be here for us!"
She hung up on me and came home about half an hour later. I was happy and went to the door to greet her. I was met by a furious voice:
Mother: "I AM TIRED OF CONSTANTLY BEING STUCK IN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE!"
Me: "Mom, please hear me out..."
Mother: "NO! YOU'RE GOING TO BED AND I AM GOING TO THE LIVING ROOM AND DRINK UNTIL I AM ON THE FLOOR PUKING MY GUTS OUT!"
I basically broke down crying at this point and went to my room. Can't really remember the rest of that night.
Time went on however and I was soon the be going to a different school since I basically got out of intermediate level of school. I was afraid of telling the girl I liked about my feelings so I never got around to it. When I was 15 I finally told her and she told me that she only liked me as a friend. Needless to say I was devastated and I couldn't let her go.
At this point in time my mother's addiction to alcohol was more severe and she drank almost every evening, every day of the week. My anxiety was lower then and I didn't think too much about it. That was until she let people with drug problems into the house. Time went on and I turned 17. My sister was 15 at this point and started drinking, hanging out at parties and whatnot. The kind of stuff most teenagers start doing. My sister snuck out one night to go to a party and my mother became furious when she found out. She had someone take their car looking for her. They found her walking to the party a few kilometers away from our house.
They came home, my mother screaming and being all around crazy to say the least. I wanted to check on my sister so I went to her room. While going there one of my mother's friends who had some serious drug problems and not being able to raise his son himself said: "Your sister is really disrepectful doing something like that!"
I wanted to punch him in the face but continued on to my sister's room and saw a sight I probably will never forget: My sister sat on her bed with a razor in her left and her right wrist bleeding. She was apathetic and I ran towards her, thinking the worst. I started crying and checked her pulse. She was still alive and the cut wasn't really deep but still horrible. I started asking her why she did it and she didn't respond. I quickly ran to her closet to find a cloth to clean the blood from her hands and wrist.
I asked her again:
Me: "What happened?! Why did you do this?!"
She: "Mother hit me... Mother hit me and threw me into the car. I can't take this anymore!"
I told her how much she meant to me and the other people around her and that her life shouldn't end this way. I called my dad and helped arrange for my sister to move within the week. I wanted her out of this hellhole of a house. I would gladly stay around if it meant that she could move to our dad and be happy.
Things calmed down at my mom's house after my sister moved and time went on. I was still more or less obsessed with the same girl from before. One year later around when I turned 18 we started talking about it for some reason and I admitted that I couldn't let her go for some reason. She told me that she thinks that she started having feelings for me as well and that we should try dating for a while and see where it leads. It ended 2 weeks later when she told me she was into this girl in her school (she is bisexual). Yet again I was heartbroken and decided that I can't continue feeling this way for her. I decided to let her go.
That christmas my mother got a stroke and were close to dying and around this time my anxiety started for real again. I was worried day and night about my mother and about life in general. Mother got out of the hospital about 2 months later and things were pretty calm for a few months. Still my anxiety was running rampant and I was worried about almost everything everyday. I wouldn't let it get the best of me though and I decided to hold out until I graduated from high school.
I graduated in June 2011 and was still staying at my mother's place looking for a job. That August my mother started freaking out again, calling me lazy as I couldn't get a job. She seemed to think that I wasn't even trying to get a job even though I was searching almost daily. I woke up early one morning in August 2011 feeling the same kinds of attacks I had when I was 12, but this time even more intense. I couldn't feel my right leg, arm or face and I started fearing that I was having some kind of serious medical condition. I remember going outside for a walk because I had to test myself to see if I could still use my limbs. I could use but not feel them. It was terrifying.
I went to the hospital that day to get myself checked out. They told me that I've been having panic attacks which can lead to numbness in limbs. They gave me anti-anxiety medicine called sertraline and told me to take one a day.
I ended up at my big brother's place a few days later and stayed with him for a couple of days. I didn't want to take the medicine and decided to hold off for a while to see if I could take care of this myself. Needless to say I had another severe panic attack while my brother was driving me somewhere. I finally decided that I couldn't stay at my mother's place and decided to move to my dad.
For one year I was really feeling down. Having severe anxiety and panic attacks with a touch of Hypochondria since I was still not really feeling my right arm or leg. I could be up whole nights just crying and finding life empty and stale. One week got so painful that my father (who was working several miles from my home at the time) came home to be there for me when I needed him. I went to the hospital again and told them that I needed someone to talk to. I wanted help, they only told me to take the medicine and carry on with my life.
I met another girl online during this period. We hit it off pretty good and I was starting to feel much better, I was finally having someone to share a certain part of my life with. I ended up visiting her a couple of times, having a really good time. However, in the summer of 2012 we were planning on me going to her mother's place where I was to getting to know her and one of her parents better. We were supposed to live in a cabin that her mother owned for a week. It sounded great!
I was using the medicine at this time to hinder my panic attacks. Sometimes the pills would make me really tired and the night before I was going to her place I was chatting with her while laying in bed with my phone. I fell asleep when I was about to order my tickets and I overslept. So our plans were pretty much ruined. She thought however that I was avoiding her, so she took it personally that I screwed up.
She didn't talk to me for a week and when we finally got around to talking I told her that I thought that she treated me unfairly without giving me time to explain I messed up. This ended up in her telling me that she thinks that I am always feeling sorry for myself and they we probably shouldn't be talking anymore, neither as friends or lovers. I was devastated and told her that I wanted to be alone and that I had to log off. To which she said: "There you go again! Feeling sorry for yourself!"
I got angry and told her that I really liked her and that I felt sad about what she just told me about us not talking anymore. I said that she more or less was acting like a princess that everyone had to change themselves for.
We were to meet at a convention that summer and I knew she was still going even though we didn't speak to each other anymore. Feeling bad about what I said I told her that I wanted to meet and talk about it face to face. She just sent me a message saying: "I don't have anything to say to you."
I tried contacting her one several occasions telling her how sorry I was about what I said. She had already made up her mind though and never answered any of the messages I sent her. So I decided to leave her alone.
Fast forward to today. When I am 21, still having big problems with anxiety and constantly comparing every girl I meet to the girl I met last year. I was really enjoying the time she and I had together I want to go back to make things right. I can't contact her since she has moved on and got together with another guy. I don't want to stalk her or make her uncomfortable. It's for the best that she just forgets about me.
Also, the girl I liked until I was 18 just came home from a year in Japan, where she has met this guy she is madly in love with and they seem to be hitting it off really good. I still can't help feeling a bit jealous of that guy though. Why did he have it so easy when I didn't?
I can't get rid of my anxiety, can't stop comparing girls to the girl I met last year and I am feeling so guilty for the things I said to her. I just don't know what to do about this and it's starting to feel hopeless.
Thank you for reading this topic. I just don't know where to go anymore or what to do. The only times I feel really happy anymore is when a new game I am looking forward to comes out or if I am around my brother.
gm