Use your hands on my daughter and you'll lose them after. You make her cry, I make you cry. Safe sex is a myth. Anything you try will be hazardous to your health. Bring her home late, there's no next date. If you pull into my driveway and honk, you better be dropping off a package because you're sure not picking anything up. No complaining while you're waiting for her. If you're bored, change my oil. If your pants hang off your hips, I'll gladly secure them with my staple gun. Dates must be in crowded public places. You want romance? Read a book.