8 jokes only Scottish people will find funny

[AmandaRose]

Sorry im bored so just amusing myself

1. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

"Comfy?" asks the dentist.

"Govan," she replies.


2. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?


Just Juan.

3.Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?

He was in his cell.

4. After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

5. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?


Coo eight.

6. A teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: "Can you come and get me? I've missed the last bus and it's pouring with rain."

"Okay," says her dad. "Where are you ringing from?"

The girl replies: "From the top of my head right down to my knickers".

7. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.

8. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says Taiwan

 

[AmandaRose]

A Scottish man goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?" The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

 

[JellyPerson]

Haha sex gottem lamo

 

[AmandaRose]

1. New health food restaurant just opened in Glasgow. "I Can't Believe It's Not Battered"


2. Upskirting is a genderless issue in Scotland



3. A Scottish wife, an English wife, and an Irish wife were all talking about how they never had enough money to go shopping. All of a sudden, the English wife had an idea. "I know! We can take off our underwear, and then when our husbands notice, we can say we don't have enough money even for knickers!" Everybody thought this was a good idea, so they went home to try it. When the English wife's husband noticed, he gave her 200 pounds to go shopping with. When the Irish wife's husband noticed, he gave her his credit card. The next day, they all three met up to discuss how it went. The Irish wife and the English wife were all dressed up in their new clothes, but the Scottish wife was still in rags. The other two demanded to know what had happened. "Well," said the Scottish wife. "As I was gardening, I bent over to show him I wasn't wearing any undies. But when he saw, he gave her 40p to get a comb!"

4. “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?”

5. “Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was ‘How are you getting on?'”

6. If Jesus was a jew how come he has a Mexican first name?

7. “A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. ‘Can you describe the symptoms to me?’ ‘Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!'”

8. “One sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears. Personally, I think its bollocks.”

 

[AmandaRose]

1. “A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said how can you tell them apart, he said ‘her brother’s got a moustache!'”

2. Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, I'm just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

3. Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'

Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?'
Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'

4. Jock walks into a bar one day and stammers, 'Does anyone here own that South Doberman Pinschers outside?'

'Yeah, I do,' a tattooed biker says, standing up. 'What about it?'

"Well, I think my little scotty terrier just killed him.'
'What are you talkin' about?' the biker says, disbelievingly. 'How could your little runt kill my Doberman?'

'Well,' mumbled Jock, 'it appears that he got stuck in your dog's throat.'

5. An elderly Scotsman goes into a Chemists shop. He says to the assistant - I have a headache, have you any aspirin. Certainly sir, she replies. Would you like 50 or 100. No, the Scotsman says, just the one. I've only got one headache.

6. "Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."

7. I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

8. I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

 

[Kingy]

No, I get them. They're just unfunny.

 

[AmandaRose]

No, I get them. They're just unfunny.

Are you Scottish no then read the title lol.

 

[Kingy]

Are you Scottish no then read the title lol.

I said I get it. It just isn't funny.

 

[AmandaRose]

I said I get it. It just isn't funny.

But you dont though lol

 

[Kingy]

But you dont though lol

I get the punchline, is there anything else I need to get? I don't have to enjoy it to get it.

 

[AmandaRose]

I get the punchline, is there anything else I need to get? I don't have to enjoy it to get it.

irony

 

[Uiaad]

@Kingy_ is someone forcing you to be in this thread because you could have just said nothing and walked away

 

[Kingy]

@Kingy_ is someone forcing you to be in this thread because you could have just said nothing and walked away

uh no?

 

[AmandaRose]

I wonder if I should do a joke about the TRIO @Uiaad lol.

 

[mariopepper]

They have a very specific sense of humor.

 

[SG854]

Haha sex gottem lamo

JellyPerson is banned? When did this happen?

 

[Subtle Demise]

JellyPerson is banned? When did this happen?

Sad

 

[SG854]

Bad

 

[Pleng]

They have a very specific sense of humor.

I mean, they're never going to win joke of the year or anything, but some of them gave me a little chuckle. I'd be interested in any jokes you have that you think are funnier.

 

[SG854]

Uh Oh we got ourselves a challenge. Dual to the death