How do you deal with the loss of another?

DCarnage · Aug 14, 2022

Hello GBAtemp,

I have had many losses in my life but they seem to be happening more often and sometimes, I don't know what to say. Sometimes I hide away and don't say a word, not because I don't care but because I don't know what to say. Two years ago, a colleague lost their son to a horrible accident and many times the couple brings up the death of their child (heartbreaking) and I usually cry in private when I'm done talking to them but during the conversation, I'm usually quiet and listen as I'm not sure what to say. Every year, two years in a row now they have turned their son's death into a marathon where tons of people gather to go on a 5k run as his parents are teachers/track coaches. My family goes to support them but when we talk personally, I'm a deer in the headlights. Recently, another teacher just lost her son to suicide and I didn't want to just sit by idlily like I usually do. I asked if she needed someone to talk to or if their family needed some food if they didn't want to cook or if they need some chores done on their ranch, our family will be there for them. My children knew their son and it has taken a toll on them as well.

I'm reaching out to you to ask if I have said or done the right things as I usually hide away from people that have suffered a great loss but I have been trying to change and be more proactive to not be what I used be like. So my question is, am I taking the right steps? Is there anything that I can do better? Because I'm not good when it comes to the loss of others.

Thank you, and I appreciate your input.

Andy2001 · Aug 14, 2022

Wrong forum, dude! pls get some professional help!

Jokey_Carrot · Aug 14, 2022

There are no right or wrong ways to deal with loss, you should cope in whatever way makes you feel better so long as it's not actively unhealthy. With that being said, I think telling someone how you feel can be like a big weight being lifted off you.

DCarnage · Aug 14, 2022

Andy2001 said:
Wrong forum, dude! pls get some professional help!

Andy2001, is this not the "General Off-Topic Chat"? I mean, if this is the wrong forum, I will delete and repost somewhere else. To Jokey_Carrot, thank you so much.

Andy2001 · Aug 14, 2022

DCarnage said:
Andy2001, is this not the "General Off-Topic Chat"? I mean, if this is the wrong forum, I will delete and repost somewhere else. To Jokey_Carrot, thank you so much.

In this place you might catch some very inappropriate advice with these subjects. You know, the trolls. Even your family would be a better starting point honestly but not some former pirating website online!

DCarnage · Aug 14, 2022

Andy2001 said:
In this place you might catch some very inappropriate advice with these subjects. You know, the trolls. Even your family would be a better starting point honestly but not some former pirating website online!

I have been on this website for a couple of decades and respected the thoughts of others here, maybe it has changed. Actually it has quite a bit. I just wanted some thoughts outside of my family/community as the world is bigger than where I live. Never mind my account age as I had deleted my account recently after getting into some political topics and didn't want to be judged off of my thoughts. Should I create a poll on if should delete this thread or should I just delete it now? Has this community fallen so low that I have to make this an option? I wouldn't call this a pirate community as much as it was 10 years ago. Pirating is pretty much banned here and homebrew is more common then back then. Thanks Andy2001, you're an awesome person.

Dark_Phoras · Aug 14, 2022

I think that all you can do is to be present. There's nothing you can say or do to revert someone's passing, and the pain of losing someone isn't something that can be reduced directly by a third party. When you feel the pain of losing someone, it helps to keep living your life. You might have to live with the pain forever, or it might become smaller as time passes; either way, what you should learn is how to compartmentalize said pain, and the only way to avoid the pain from consuming all of your being is to keep living. To keep moving forward, not dwell on the past.

I know myself better than before, because I searched for ways to accept my feelings and understand their causes. There is no right and wrong about feelings. Dealing with death is a situation where people have difficulty in juggling with their own feelings, mostly because they have a supposition about what feelings are right and what feelings are wrong. In truth, there isn't one supposed or right way to feel about someone's death. Everyone deals with loss differently. Accept what you feel.

CoolMe · Aug 14, 2022

I'd say it all depends on the situation and the people involved. Sometimes being silent is much appropriate and appreciated in this particular setting than being a talkative, insensitive or flat out annoying.. If the family of the deceased want privacy give 'em that. if they want something to lean on or talk to, give' em that.. If they want some help with funeral arrangements etc. Do what you can/want. Because i'm assuming have responsibilities with life too, work, kids etc. you're not gonna abandon your job to stay and comfort them etc.
One totally different side to this is, that sort of space or environment can be heavy, the sadness and grief can take a toll on you even if you're just standing there, or listening to them, if you suddenly feel it's too much for you - specially if you're a sensitive person) you gotta withdraw and have your own space, to recharge from any negativity etc. Listen to some music, or meditate to get out of that energy.
All the best wishes!

The Catboy · Aug 16, 2022

I am someone who is actively studying trauma psychology and working on getting my degree in psychology. I am bringing this up because dealing with losses isn't always a straightforward process and it's hard to give the best advice without fully understanding the individual and the situations they've been in. That aside, let yourself be sad about these things and allow yourself to have the space to process these emotions. Equally, accept that sometimes you will have moments where they come back up and still need to be processed when they do. It seems you are a rather sensitive person to the feelings of others, which can have its ups and downs. It sometimes helps to remember that your feelings do matter and so does your mental health. It's nice to be strong in front of people, but it's also okay to excuse yourself when you need space. It's also ok to talk about your feelings with others as well. I am not saying to make things about you but saying it's ok to express your emotions too. This can include talking about these things with friends, family, a therapist, or even just writing them down. My own blog posts are mostly just written to get a lot of trapped emotions and thoughts out of my headspace. Do what needs to be done to help, just try to make it a positive experience when doing so.

AmandaRose · Aug 16, 2022

Lost my mum last month and I deal with it by keeping myself busy. Numerous work projects on the go and numerous personal projects on the go and if they fail to stop me thinking I have cigarettes and alcohol. Probably not the best approach but it works for me.

The Catboy · Aug 16, 2022

AmandaRose said:
Lost my mum last month and I deal with it by keeping myself busy. Numerous work projects on the go and numerous personal projects on the go and if they fail to stop me thinking I have cigarettes and alcohol. Probably not the best approach but it works for me.

That's called dissociation and really wouldn't be a recommended method of dealing with trauma. If you ever need to talk to anyone, my inbox is always open and I am always willing to help or at least provide resources.

Chary · Aug 16, 2022

Offering support and help is a good first step. Taking any step at all is important, for yourself. It also lets the grieving person know support is available, and can be more useful than hearing yet another "I'm so sorry about your loss". Sometimes, all you can do is be there, be supportive, and be open to them.

AmandaRose · Aug 16, 2022

The Catboy said:
That's called dissociation and really wouldn't be a recommended method of dealing with trauma. If you ever need to talk to anyone, my inbox is always open and I am always willing to help or at least provide resources.

Thank you and I hugely appreciate your kindness but I am mostly fine. My life before mum passed was the same multiple work and personal projects being done at the same time. I have always been like that even when chilling out you will find me watching a TV show and playing a Switch game in handheld mode whilst chatting to friends on the phone and answering work/personal emails all at the same time. That's just the way I am.

maryxmary · Aug 19, 2022

I lost my son few years ago because of illness that couldve prevented. Not covid. And ever since then I was never the same. I love my bestfriend in games and in everything. Its really hard to cope up. i cant even play pokemon because I feel guilty everytime Im trying to play it. Like were duo, he plays the same game I play and always brags about the pokemon he caught and whatnot. I stopped doing things I used to do because it always reminds me of him and its really difficult. There are no perfect words to describe the pain or anguish. You will just gradually get used to it as your day lives on. Youll get used to it bro. if you needed someone to talk to , just hit me up . I always open this account when Im at work since its the only place I feel safe hahhaaha

By the way, if you feel bad or lonely or somewhat similar, just keep yourself busy. That is what I am doing recently to hide the pain. Talking to your friends who knows the person who is already on the other side helps to reminisce the memories. Also a good cry in a place alone is good too. I always cry but then I will realize that life must go on.

PS sorry about my engrish, its not my first language and I didnt used translator hahah ..

Hugs to you!

DCarnage · Sep 27, 2022

Jairnal said:
I lost my grandfather recently, it's so hard... I think everything is needed it's time.

I'm so sorry for your loss, its hard losing someone so important. I eventually figured my stuff out with the help of the members of GBATemp. Mind you, the person that was lost was not a family member but a co-worker's son. I guess, it goes along with exactly what you said "it's time" that heals all. As time goes on, it gets better but we never forget. I lost both of my grandfathers and I still think about them. One time, I had some issues and wanted to call my grandfather for his advice but then I remembered that he's been gone for 10 years. I dunno if it was because I was halfway asleep or wishful thinking that he was still alive... but I thought to myself "after realizing that he's gone", "what would grandpa do?".
Again, I'm sorry for your loss and thank you for replying. It's something that we all go through unfortunately but I believe that we should all go before our children and their children and all we can do is leave a positive mark on their lives so they can ask the question "what would grandpa/grandma do?" and hope that our descendants follow our footsteps.

DCarnage · Sep 27, 2022

maryxmary said:
I lost my son few years ago because of illness that couldve prevented. Not covid. And ever since then I was never the same. I love my bestfriend in games and in everything. Its really hard to cope up. i cant even play pokemon because I feel guilty everytime Im trying to play it. Like were duo, he plays the same game I play and always brags about the pokemon he caught and whatnot. I stopped doing things I used to do because it always reminds me of him and its really difficult. There are no perfect words to describe the pain or anguish. You will just gradually get used to it as your day lives on. Youll get used to it bro. if you needed someone to talk to , just hit me up . I always open this account when Im at work since its the only place I feel safe hahhaaha

By the way, if you feel bad or lonely or somewhat similar, just keep yourself busy. That is what I am doing recently to hide the pain. Talking to your friends who knows the person who is already on the other side helps to reminisce the memories. Also a good cry in a place alone is good too. I always cry but then I will realize that life must go on.

PS sorry about my engrish, its not my first language and I didnt used translator hahah ..

Hugs to you!

Hi Mary, I'm sorry that I didn't reply to you. I'm so sorry for what you went through, a child should never pass before their parents imo. It's something as a parent that you'll never get past and you will remember them forever. I'm good now and have spoken to all of my friends and colleagues that have lost children. I have been there for them as an ear to listen to, a shoulder to cry on and a friend to laugh with. Thank you so much for your reply, you can message me and I will be for you as well. Much love.

DCarnage · Sep 27, 2022

I know there's trolls on the internet and people will try to wreck a thread about important issues but the real people here have touched my heart. I appreciate you all, I wish we could all have a bbq in real life. I love you all!

WillyScott · Sep 30, 2022

There is no one thing, which helps everyone with loss. All people react differently. When I faced such a thing, I started therapy, because I couldn't manage to live with it, and I needed help

Aserl · Oct 9, 2022

(Speaking off personal experience) you cry. you cry a lot. You feel very, very sad. Even if they're not around anymore, you can always remember the good times you had with that person. you can always get help from someone you trust. Almost all of my grandfather's are dead (i have 2 left if memory serves me) and that's what I had to do. It's just the circle of life and it'll happen to everyone eventually. You can always dedicate the things you do to them. They may not be here anymore physically, but the memories you have of that person will never leave us.

Marc_LFD · Oct 12, 2022

I did cry when my grandma died, but part of that was "unlocked" when I had drank alcohol (I get more emotional and honest).

Other than her, probably my parents. My sisters? No, not really. My nephews and nieces? Maybe.

I'd frankly just rather avoid them in real life and if I'd have to talk with them, by phone. My family can give me headaches so that's why.

How do you deal with the loss of another?

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