Am I overreacting? [warning : relationship ?s]

[VashTS]

So for about 2 years i've been suggesting to my wife that she should compromise and stay up late on occasion so when I get out of work we can have alone time.

Hasn't happened. Not even once.

Tonight she decided to go out with friends for a late night coming in a 2am.

I think this is a smack in the face and I am torn. Makes it seem like if she wants to do something she will take the plunge - so its obvious to conclude she doesn't want to stay up with me for alone time.

I'm running on like 5 hours of sleep over past 48 hours so I'm probably nuts but still I think I got a point.

 

[Ericthegreat]

Talk to her about it, also try other types of "alone time" >.>;

Edit: BTW I meant like a movie or going out to eat....

 

[VashTS]

That's why I think I'm so disappointed is that I planned for us to go to the movies last weekend as a surprise . We have talked but end up screaming.

I'm afraid it's "over" but I don't want to divorce. I still love her for who she is but without the physical relationship it's dead. I think we are both stubborn but in this case I'm hurt. And i don't feel like there is a way to just move on past this time. I have dealt with a lot of crap. This is something else.

 

[cracker]

Write her a letter. It'll let you get your piece out without her getting the chance to be defensive. Also stay away from things that start out "you do/don't do ..." and instead use "I feel...". Good luck!

 

[emigre]

Have you considered going to therapy? Marriage and/or sexual?

Completely serious with my suggestion particularly to reinvigorate your sexual relationship.

 

[Sicklyboy]

Write her a letter. It'll let you get your piece out without her getting the chance to be defensive. Also stay away from things that start out "you do/don't do ..." and instead use "I feel...". Good luck!

To echo this, it's definitely worth noting that when you talk to her about this, saying "you this, you that" can come across as very accusatory and won't help your case at all. Try to stick to "I and we this and that". Regardless of whether you agree with it or not, the former puts all of the blame on her, while the latter shows you feel slighted or that there's an issue between the two of you.

Do I think you're overreacting? Yes. Do I think you're justified in doing so? Yeah, I feel for oyu there. Maybe it was a one-off sort of thing that she decided to go out. I'd take it with a side of inner annoyance right now, but if it continues I'd bring it up. Though I don't like the fact that you suggesting to see a movie turned into an argument

 

[Zetta_x]

I think you are overreacting. Part of her decisions are based on the large amount of comfort with you. When you first meet someone, you tend to have more uncomfortable situations (for example, I let my ex girlfriend drive my car in the first month of the relationship but never after that). While it seems like your Wife's decision to stay out to 2am but unless she is really assertive, chances are she didn't have much say in it. She feels comfortable telling you no but she does not have the same connections with her friends. Not to sound pessimistic, but I think long term relationships are horrible because even when you want to try new things; it's with someone you've seen and know so much at a deeper level it doesn't feel new.

I don't know you or her so everything above is based on my crazy ass theories. But the way you make it is that this is not a habitual thing, I wouldn't worry from her perspective. About you though, it's obvious it makes you feel uncomfortable and I'm the type of person who prioritizes everything about other people than myself. I would shrug it off but if it is seriously bothering you don't let it build up.

 

[FAST6191]

Question.
Do you have weekends or some other semi regular time in which you can do things together? If you mainly see each other to grunt over morning toast or as the snoring person sharing your bed then maybe you have a point, if you do have that time elsewhere then that is considerably less likely to be the case.

Likewise if this is the first time in two years she has gone out late with her mates then that might well be overreacting. Are her friends in similar positions? People doing the work, children and being couples bit tend not to have the most time for socialising* like that so if you do manage to finagle a kitchen pass then "wring every drop of fun from it" tends to be the default position, even if you leave that night aiming for a swift half and back home. Likewise that is a fairly good way to harsh a mellow/make a good evening end badly.

*I have never been one to do anything other than gag or laugh when someone says "my partner is my best friend", sadly it has yet to get me not invited to a wedding, but even those that would say such things might wish to appreciate there are other friends, some of which may perform different functions.

The others are vastly better equipped to cover the other things.

 

[Cyan]

I'm not sure I see this correctly, but to me it looks like you want her to choose between:

1) Stay awake and bored alone at home up to 2AM until you finish your job and come home just to see you going to bed. (you really want to go out after work if you end late at night?)
2) Go out with friends up to 2AM and not be bored until you come home.


You didn't tell which time you come home, but I assumed it wasn't 8PM, more like past midnight as she needs to "stay up late".


You can see her another time, let her go with friends when you work.

 

[VashTS]

Thanks tempers!

I get home about 1130 pm nightly so I'm not asking for a lot just some time for us to be able to get the deed done. We have two kids and work different shifts.

If she can make the decision to stay up when she wants to do it that us why I'm hurt. If she wanted to stay up for me it's now obvious that could be done. The time she was out is irrelevant.

I still feel the same this morning so I don't think it was overreacting. Oh well time for life changes.

 

[DinohScene]

Me n me ex just did what we wanted to do xd
Together or separate.

He went out when I was not as his place and I just played games.
I go to me mates every monday and he's at home xd

 

[VashTS]

what i think this has boiled down to is that we are both unsatisfied, i guess its just a matter of working through or failure. bad part is we've come to this conclusion many times now and end back up in the same spot

 

[cracker]

Perhaps a change in your job (or hours if possible) is in order. It would benefit tour kids as well.

 

[Lacius]

To echo what everyone else has already said, you should talk to your wife again about staying up late on occasion. Do I think she should stay up late on occasion? Yes, that's not so much to ask, depending on factors such as whether or not she has to get up early in the morning. If it's an inconvenience for her, you might have to offer something in return in order for it to be fair. As you already mentioned, however, your wife apparently has no issue with staying up late if it benefits her, so the larger problem might be a lack of interest in sex (a diminishing labido with age isn't uncommon) or a lack of interest in sex with you. If she continues to refuse, it's up to you to decide whether that's your price of admission or if you can live without sex.

If this is purely about not getting sex, it might be worth exploring the option of getting sex elsewhere regardless of whether or not you end the marriage. Depending on your wife, you might be able to negotiate an openness to your marriage so that she doesn't have to stay up late, and your needs are still met, particularly if she's not interested in sex while she's simultaneously still in love with you. Depending on how you feel about the situation, you could suggest openness as a condition of your continued marriage. Obviously, I don't know your wife; merely bringing up the idea of openness might end the marriage.

It's controversial, but cheating is also an option. Although we only ever hear about the times cheating has ruined marriages, cheating has saved marriages in which one partner was (sometimes temporarily) uninterested in sex. If you think your wife's disinterest in staying up late for you is only temporary, cheating might be the stopgap you need in order to save your marriage if you can't put up with it. If you think your wife's disinterest in sex is more permanent, cheating might still be a way to keep the marriage alive if openness is a non-option.

 

[bowser]

Your wife is probably tired after looking after the house and your kids the whole day. And then she has to stay up late so that you can get some. She probably thinks you are being selfish. Forget about getting into her pants and first try spending some time with her after going home. Show her you appreciate everything she does for you. Show her you love her. The sex will automatically come (does that count as a pun?). If it doesn't work out at night then try it first thing in the morning.

She has to feel that you care about her. If you can do that your problem should get solved.

 

[geishroy]

go to a strip club and come home smelling of grinded on stds. then ask if she has time for you some nights or else you will just go to the bar again.

 

[Foxi4]

You can't expect another person to adjust to your time schedule just to suit your needs - you have to do halfsies with this sort of thing. This problem never occured in my relationship since both my girlfriend and I are "owls", we don't go to bed early at all, but whenever we need to decide upon something, we just present "our case" for consideration rather than explicitly "ordering" each other around. If there's really no way of you getting back home any earlier, perhaps you should organize your schedule to have time before you head out. Anywho, this definitely isn't something to argue over - it's not the end of the world and if you both adjust, you'll work out a schedule that suits you both.

 

[VashTS]

cant change hours, need to work nights so she can work part time in the AM. works out great for the kids, but kills me - some days I get up at 7am and am back home at 11:30pm, thats a long one.

i just need to know that i am not feeling this way for no reason. it feels like i am correct in feeling this way but at the same time I am DEAD tired and could just be that. I think I am just going to just ignore any sexual activities with her. Its kinda been that way for like 5 years now anyway. its like anything sex related is always a fight and negative. and she also doesn't see this as me being attracted to her, that i cannot explain but she has said that many times. if you want to bang someone, doesnt that mean you are attracted?!? anyway...time for some more thinking.

either way I GOT FUCKING ROOT ON MY GALAXY S 5!!!!!!! So at least I'm not being a total grouch today.

edit just saw foxi's post. there are compromises. I do all the cleaning, lawn mowing, food cooking. she basically does laundry and dishes and gets to work 4 hours a day.

 

[Foxi4]

Well, if you are making compromises, there's just one more thing I gotta tell you... Just a side note, but if you want sexy time and you want a good one, I strongly suggest working towards her wanting it rather than explicitly asking for it. You need two for the tango, y'know - I don't think "quality time" is something you circle on a calendar.

 

[lampdemon]

I do all the cleaning, lawn mowing, food cooking. she basically does laundry and dishes and gets to work 4 hours a day.

Sounds similar to how my family was 5-10 years ago, my mother would only work a few times a week and on her free time she would watch TV or go out, no time for taking care of the kids. I don't want to go into too much detail, so, the conclusion is, divorce happened when the kids grew up and realized what a horrible person we had for a mother.