Bortz's Free Advice Thread

[BORTZ]

Having a problem? Want to ask hypothetical questions? Need insight on a matter at hand? Look no further.

You can ask me for advice for anyone of your problems and ill try to help you with your situation.
*sarcasm included for free*

EDUT: So i guess this has kinda turned into Srs in the Eof. If you have a real question about life and shiz, go right ahead, this is a safe sharing zone. And anything sarcastic like Terminator02's stuff is certainly allowed too. I like nonsense stuff like that.

 

[Tom Bombadildo]

Bortz help my hands are huge and it makes it hard to fist p1ngy. What can I do?

 

[Hyro-Sama]

How can we get certain attention whores who create shit threads in the EOF on a daily basis banned/suspended?

 

[chavosaur]

I have all this candy corn, and cant fit any more in my mouth. Where should I put it now?!

 

[Tom Bombadildo]

I have all this candy corn, and cant fit any more in my mouth. Where should I put it now?!

Shove them up your ass.

Hey! I'm good at giving advice too!

 

[chavosaur]

I was hoping for something more creative then my ass!
Thats the obvious go to... for shame...

 

[Tom Bombadildo]

I was hoping for something more creative then my ass!
Thats the obvious go to... for shame...

I suppose you could force each one into your dong, but that'd probably hurt.

 

[chavosaur]

I was hoping for something more creative then my ass!
Thats the obvious go to... for shame...

I suppose you could force each one into your dong, but that'd probably hurt.

Now thats... creative...

 

[Hyro-Sama]

Is it just me or is is getting kinky in here?

 

[Deleted-236924]

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

[BORTZ]

Wow i knew our community was troubled, but i had no idea it was this bad. Dont worry loyal citizens, your savior is here.

Bortz help my hands are huge and it makes it hard to fist p1ngy. What can I do?

There are actually alot of things i can suggest for this problem.
1. The most obvious is to go slow. One finger at a time.
2. Its possible you might need lube. I would suggest some of this.
3.If all else fails, you might just have to go all in and hope for the best. This usually only works with the element of surprise. LEROY JENKINS.

How can we get certain attention whores who create shit threads in the EOF on a daily basis banned/suspended?

I suggest not posting in their threads. Dont tell them they suck, just ignore them. Eventually they wont make threads, because negative attention is better than none. And if they are getting none...

I have all this candy corn, and cant fit any more in my mouth. Where should I put it now?!

Ok so do you live at home with mom and dad like i do (and im 22 lol)? Ok heres what i would suggest:
I would take them one by one and hide them around the house. Suggested hiding spots:
1.Remove the batteries from the TV remote and stick a few in there.
2.Smash some in a few pages of your sisters school text books, in the later chapters where teachers never get to.
3. Tape one to you parents toothbrushes.
4. While in your bathroom, empty a bottle of meds and put a few in there instead.
5. In your siblings pillows...
etc. You get the idea.

 

[BORTZ]

Is it just me or is is getting kinky in here?

Yes it is. Remember these are supposed to be more of advice seeking questions, not simple deductive questions.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Since this is more of a mathematical/logic proposal, i took the liberty of going out to wiki answers for this one. Its actually a pretty involved debate.

The amount of wood that woodchucks would chuck on a given day varies greatly with the individual woodchuck. According to a Wall Street Journal article, New York State wildlife expert Richard Thomas found that a woodchuck could chuck around 35 cubic feet of dirt in the course of digging a burrow. Thomas reasoned that if a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would chuck an amount equal to 700 pounds.
Some say it depends on three factors:

• The woodchuck's desire to chuck said wood.

• The woodchuck's need to chuck the aforementioned wood.

• The woodchuck's ability to chuck the wood when it is a woodchuck

Others say:

• The woodchuck could chuck as much wood as he wanted!
• "Sixteen and 1/2 board feet a day- except on Groundhog's Day since groundhog is another name for woodchuck."- This answer is according to no less an authority than the 'Junior Woodchucks Guidebook', a publication often consulted by Huey, Dewey, and Louie Duck and referred to yet again by them in answering this very same question.
• How Chuck Norris got involved-A woodchuck would only chuck as much would as Chuck Norris would allow it to, because the woodchuck shares Chuck's name. Therefore, Chuck must punish it and make it chuck as much wood as Chuck can. So, a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as Chuck could.
• None because a wood chuck cannot chuck wood!
• Approximately 3.9675 pounds every 5.6843 seconds. So there.
• 2.865 lbs every 11.3686 Seconds?
• As much as he needed to be satisfied.
• It could chuck a lot. But it definitely couldn't chuck Chuck Norris.
• A group of people actually did a study on this. None of the woodchucks ate any wood planks so they never upchucked it but some of them chucked them (threw them) at people.
• During my study of Woodchuck I came to the conclusion that woodchucks don't chuck wood but only drink beer.
• However, this beer can frequently motivate them towards actions that can closely resemble the chucking of wood.
• A woodchuck will only chuck certain wood, likely that which is found in their natural, prairie habitat. Therefore, the lack of trees on the prairie is quite closely related to the chucking of wood performed by these wood-chucking woodchucks.
• Since it is the same animal as the Groundhog, should we not instead ask : how much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog would hog ground.
• The above is pretty goood, but I think that the groundhog would be hogging sod.
• 315g. This was an estimate done in a book of useless trivia.
• A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck - if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
• About as many good cookies a good cook could cook, if a good cook could cook cookies good.
• About as many boards as the bored Mongol hordes would hoard if the bored Mongol hordes did hoard boards in gourds.
• He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, he would, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
• If he could chuck wood, the woodchuck would chuck as much as he could!
• If a woodchuck could chuck wood, he would and should chuck wood. But if woodchucks can't chuck wood, they shouldn't and wouldn't chuck wood. Though were I a woodchuck, and I chucked wood, I would chuck wood with the best woodchucks that chucked wood.
• If a woodchuck could chuck wood, then s/he'd chuck all the wood, s/he'd chuck and chuck and chuck and chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
• It would chuck the amount of wood equal to the seashells that sweet Suzy Shoreham sells by the seashore divided by how many primary pickled peppers Peter Piper picks.
• One quarter of a sycamore if you give him a quarter for every quarter of the sycamore he cut.
• It might depend on how many female woodchucks were present. Or, it could depend on whether the woodchuck's mother-in-law was around or not. If she was, he'd be chucking all day. If not, he'd be watching the football game.
• Some maintain that woodchucks could not and would not chuck wood at all.
• It depends on how good his dentures are!
• A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. But unfortunately, woodchucks do not chuck wood.
• About 5.72 fluid litres of wood
• About as many boards as the Mongol hoards would hoard if the Mongol hordes did hoard boards.
• Tons. More than you can count. Honestly. No one can chuck more would than a woodchuck.
• If the woodchuck's name was Maurice, then it could chuck all the wood that it wants to. However, if its name is Frank, no chucking would be for it.
• Due to the average size of a woodchuck and the general density of wood (not including cork [which is actually bark]) if a woodchuck could chuck wood it would probably get through about 6.573 pounds per day, assuming the woodchuck is functioning correctly.
• Using the formula: (W + I) * C where W = the constant of wood, which is well known to be 61, as agreed in many scientific circles. I = the variable in this equation, and stands for the word "if" from the original problem. As there are three circumstances, with 0 equaling the chance that the woodchuck cannot chuck wood, 1 being the theory that the woodchuck can chuck wood but chooses not to, and 2 standing for the probability that the woodchuck can and will chuck wood, we clearly must choose 2 for use in this equation. C = the constant of Chuck Norris, whose presence in any problem involving the word chuck must there, is well known to equal 1.1 of any known being, therefore the final part of this calculation is 1.1. As is clear, this appears to give the answer of (61 + 2) * 1.1 = (63) * 1.1 = 69.3. However, Chuck Norris' awesome roundhouse kick declares that all decimal points cannot be used in formulas such as this, and so it must be rounded to the final solution of 69 units of wood.
• How Chuck Norris got involve: A woodchuck would only chuck as much would as Chuck Norris would allow it to, because the woodchuck shares Chuck's name. Therefore, Chuck must punish it and make it chuck as much wood as Chuck can. So, a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as Chuck could.
• I disagree with above: A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck until Chuck Norris got there.
• None, because a woodchuck can't chuck wood!

 

[nukeboy95]

i need help my keyboard is on fire

 

[nryn99]

help me a get a girl

 

[SinHarvest24]

I does one go about seeking a relationship with Selena Gomez?

 

[Terminator02]

My penis is on fire and my feet are nailed to the ground. The only items in reach are a keyboard, mouse, monitor, microphone, headphones, desk chair, stapler, hot glue gun, pen, silica gel, a private island, a hammer, and a fire extinguisher. What do?

 

[nukeboy95]

My penis is on fire and my feet are nailed to the ground. The only items in reach are a keyboard, mouse, monitor, microphone, headphones, desk chair, stapler, hot glue gun, pen, silica gel, a private island, a hammer, and a fire extinguisher. What do?

GRAB THE STAPLER

 

[nryn99]

My penis is on fire and my feet are nailed to the ground. The only items in reach are a keyboard, mouse, monitor, microphone, headphones, desk chair, stapler, hot glue gun, pen, silica gel, a private island, a hammer, and a fire extinguisher. What do?

GRAB THE STAPLER

i suggest we let the great bortz speak first.

 

[BORTZ]

i need help my keyboard is on fire

The easiest way to put this out is probably to start removing keys individually until there arent any more to burn. The fire will go out on its own.

help me a get a girl

I would suggest stop lurking on the internet. This is gonna require a list.
Go out side. Remember to wear sunglasses and sun screen because everyone on the Temp is a pasty white mass.
Speaking of mass, join a gym. You should also adjust your diet to health foods, green and protein. Now im not suggesting you go all muscle head and get ripped, but get in shape. Start losing weight and youll feel better yourself.
Next you should start working on your small talk. Use the F.O.R.D. method. Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams.
If you need more, let me know.

I does one go about seeking a relationship with Selena Gomez?

Use the methods ive described above. Then move on to the next step.

Track her down on Facebook, Twitter, and any other general social network site. Find teen magazines and enter as many "win a date with a celeb" contents as you can. Win the contest. Hang out with SG for the day. Take pictures, small chat, and try advancing to first base as soon as possible. Take her to a bar or something. Order her a drink. While she isnt looking, slip some sort of drug into her shiz and shes yours for the night.
BONUS ROUND, make off with her kidneys. Sell one, keep the other for EVER!

My penis is on fire and my feet are nailed to the ground. The only items in reach are a keyboard, mouse, monitor, microphone, headphones, desk chair, stapler, hot glue gun, pen, silica gel, a private island, a hammer, and a fire extinguisher. What do?

IF your computer is on, i suggest emailing the local fire department.
IF not, strap your self in. Sit down in the chair and grab the pen. You are gonna need it to preform surgery on yourself. Use the pen and create an incision near your lower ribs. Once thats big enough to get your fist into, reach in and break off your bottom two ribs from both side. Pull them out and throw them away. You dont need them anymore. Use the stapler to close up the wound and hot glue any of the still open cuts. Use the hammer if some of the staples arent going in deep enough.

Now you should be able to bend over far enough to suck your own penis. This way, you can start sucking off the flames from your ween.

You are welcome.

 

[The Catboy]

Is there a way to help me become even cuter than I already am?
I am pretty damn adorable, but I think I need to amp it up a bit.