Ok, bit of context first, for those unfamiliar with CSGO, operations are limited time events in which you buy a pass, and can do missions for XP, Skins, and upgrade your operation coin, the last one of these was Shattered Web, and went on from 2019-11-19 to 2020-03-31, the missions were things like "do x ammount kills with y weapon" for the most part.
One of these missions was "do 300 damage with incendiary/molotov in casual " (i dont remember if it was just casual, a specific map group or Mirage, but this happened in Mirage).
I started playing, i'm pretty bad with grenades, so i keep playing a lot because i cant hit anyone with the grenade, i kept playing so long it became 5-6 in the morning, i didnt realize the amount of people had dwindled until i realized no one was speaking in the public voicechat, i check the scoreboard, i'm the only one on my team, on the other team there's only one player, i ask him "hola? hello?" and dont get an answer, i switch to his side, i dont know why i did that, he starts telling me to get out, now that i can think clearly, i know he probably was just annoyed, but i couldnt back then and asked him "why?", he just vote kicks me, since there arent any other players to vote, i just get kicked out inmediately, i had done the mission since mostly it was bots and throwing fire at bots is very easy, but since you needed to complete the match for your progress to count, i needed to do it again, here it's where the actual feeling starts.
I start a casual game, and i'm the only player in the server, the mission is extremely easy because of this, but something felt off, i felt i shouldnt be there, like i trespassed an empty mall and just saw all the shops, without music or employees, closed off with lights out, but in videogame form. I never had many friends in real life, but felt as if i could rely on at least an internet stranger always being there, wether it would be to read my problems or just play a game and never talk or see play with other again, and now, that comfort was gone. I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness, sure, i may not have had many friends as a kid, but i knew there were at least people arround me, i began to think "are other people just a thought in my mind, and am i the only real person in the world?" after all, i had nothing telling me otherwise.
In the end, two Brazilians entered the match near the end, they joined the opposite team and mostly just talked to each other, the comfort came somewhat back, but i still didnt feel completely right, i finish, say "gg wp" because manners make a man, and try to go to sleep.
Before sleeping, i remained thinking about all this, not knowing how to reffer to it without typing all that, thinking about how i dont really have any proof of me or anyone else existing, how one day my friends and family will not be there anymore, how nothing really makes sense to be the way it is.
(sorry if it was too edgy or sad, i get a bit down during halloween due to personal reasons, might write something about why in a later day)
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