I said in a previous post that my life was about to change in a very positive way. Those changes have gone through, and I can safely say that, while there's a condition on this change, I have had a huge weight that was trying to crush me from above lifted off, it feels like. Ever since, I've had a more hopeful attitude lately. Some things that were going south, like my relationship with my friend that I mentioned in previous blog and forum posts around here, are going back in a positive direction.
The only thing that's still going south for yours truly is the unfortunate reality of my dead end job. Let's just say this last week was rougher than usual, with revelations becoming known about next year and the very negative changes as of late that have been occurring in my department as of late. I've been setting up RPCS3 and PCSX2 to play nice with Steam throughout the week, and through it all, especially today, I came to the question that's been plaguing my mind ever since I broke free of the mental locks that my fundamentalist Christian upbringing has saddled me with: what is the point of it all, why suffer, why try to aim for anything higher? The intensity of these questions, when combined with my fears about my parents' love for yours truly, in addition to encroaching realities of continuing to live in Illinois with 50+ years ahead of yours truly if nothing out of the ordinary occurs and my desire for a better, more
socially fulfilling life, all mixed together that became one nasty cocktail for my mental and emotional state that it's affected my college performance up until shit hit the fan earlier this year and kind of has ruined my prospects with one university for a certain department.
I couldn't really ask my parents about these questions, as I knew from previous conversations how that would lead back to "Pastor Associated-With-Duggars-and-Jack-Hyles said this on Sunday/Wednesday evening," for all intents and purposes. I already broke so many rules and standards expected of the cult my parents have forced yours truly to associate with for most of this Temper's life throughout my teenage years, and still do to this day. Once I move out, I will continue to do that except I won't have to hide who I am and my true personality anymore. Still, why do all this?
If I had to say one thing that's kept yours truly capable of functioning and been a beacon of hope in his life, it'd be my hope and desire to find a girl who will love yours truly for who he is. The only picture in my mind even as I type this out throughout all of this is the smile of the girl that I want to get to know better in the hopes of spending the rest of my life with her. I can only think about her face smiling and giggling. Sometimes, thoughts get...steamy, but even that has lost its appeal to yours truly as I desire more and more as I get older someone with whom I can hold their hand, hug, share a bed, kiss, cuddle with, all that sweet romantic jazz that is only supposed to be limited to "like-minded Christians at your local Independent Fundamental Baptist church" to sound like the pastors at the churches that I am allowed to choose from to go to. I can choose to go to either of these churches, but I don't have the option of opting out and just enjoying my second day off of not having to listen to an old man complain about a world that changes all over the place that he perceives to be part of some fantastical war between his scam and the reality of how the world truly works. Still, even if shit were to hit the fan (not that I ever entertain that thought in my head, mind you. I'd suggest projecting confidence if you want to attract the ladies) on this advancing beyond a mere friendship, I appreciate the company either way. All I truly want, at some point, is a relationship that's face-to-face (in more ways than one) and where we can be ourselves. That's the big goal for yours truly. I don't know about kids at this point, but I do know I want to get the opportunity to get work that's not destroying my body at some point. The dead end retail job I'm working at right now though, with the pay I'm getting, is really raining on my parade about saving up money so I can pay off one smaller student loan while also getting everything needed for living on your own. I'm already making a list on everything needed for living in an apartment complex. I just hope that, when the time comes, I can find somewhere safe, with a lot of businesses with openings, and everything in between.
All of this, especially after watching the YT video "Who Is The Doomer?" by Pursuit of Wonder, is turning whatever gloom I had into blooming hope, and it's a light that I intend to follow until it gets me to my next life goals of trying to become independent of my parents and developing my relationships to see where things go with the goal of one particular one that I'm currently in to lead to an everlasting bond that won't ever be broken. It's certainly a road littered with challenges, but hey, that's life for ya'.
I just got to get these stream of consciousnesses like what form up here under control, especially the streams that get me into dark places emotionally. It's actually part of the reason why I have a hard time trying to keep posts short and sweet sometimes; I feel like, if I don't get everything out in some written form, no one's going to know the full picture of what all is going on or what I'm intending to say.
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