• As I was sleeping oh so peacefully in my warm and comfortable bed, I found myself jolted awake by my father. He had a grand plan in mind, today. After being embarrassed by his friends over having an ID card that was expired, he felt it was finally time to renew his ID.

    My dad proudly waived his old license card in front of my face.

    “Expires in 1981! My picture, I still have my hair in afro in that year,” he seems very excited to say. Almost proud of how badly it’s expired. But he wants to “get with the time”, and have a shiny new ID, minus the shiny satin collared shirt and afro of his very 1970s-looking card.

    We arrive at the DMV, and are told to grab a number and wait. Ridiculous conversations ensue.

    Guy: Okay, go ahead and write your information down.
    Dad: OH NO!
    Guy: What! What?!
    Dad: I don’t bring the pen! I am sorry! I go home and bring one back!
    Guy: Sir. SIR. We have pens for you to write with. Come back.
    Dad: Really?! How nice!

    Dad: Okay; now what I do? Go online?
    Guy: Er, no. Just go sit down in the seats.
    Dad: So I get online.
    Guy: No, you’re here, so you don’t need a computer.
    Dad: Why would I need computer to go online?
    Guy: ...

    To go “online”, to my dad...means to go “on line”...to get in line.

    Dad: You fill the paper. You will make it look better.
    Me: Alrighty. Hey, don’t hover over my shoulder like that.
    Dad: Okay, my name is—
    Me: Dad, I know your name. Don’t worry.
    Dad: Okay, we live in Texas. Don’t mistake.
    Me: Dad. Please.

    Dad: Hello. I want ID.
    Clerk: Okay, an identification card.
    Dad: Yes, the driving license.
    Clerk: Oh, that’s different, okay.
    Dad: No, no. The ID license.
    Clerk: Uh...
    Dad: You know, not the driving, but the card the driver carries.
    Clerk: What?
    Me: Just an ID card, please.

    A few people begin to stare at us.

    Dad: I should be ahead of all the younger.
    Me: Yeah dad, you deserve it.
    Dad: I am going to talk with them, tell them I don’t want waiting all day
    Me: Wait no. You can’t do that.
    Dad: It’s okay, I tell them I am old
    Dad: Don’t worry though, I’m not old! I just lie to them to make them think I’m too old to waiting!

    Dad: Look. All is Mexican. Very few white boy. White boy have it easy. They think they better than everybody.
    Me: Do Persians consider themselves white?
    Dad: Iranian is white but better! Sheesh!

    Receptionist: Please stand up if you have a C, S, or N.
    Dad: Do we have C?
    Me: No.
    Dad: Do we have S?
    Me: No. we have L.
    Dad: Can the N be an L?
    Me: Just wait until they call the L.

    Dad: How do you know is L ticket?
    Me: Well. There’s a giant L on the front.
    Dad: But there is small C on the ticket.
    Me: They just care about the big letter
    Dad: Tricky! These people want to trick you into looking dumb! They not catch me looking dumb!

    A man sitting next to us is trying not to laugh.

    Dad: Look at small boy. He wearing light up shoe.
    Me: Yeah those are cute.
    Dad: Remember when you wear those? Why you not wear them anymore?
    Me: Cuz they’re for children, dad
    Dad: You are my children. You can wear light shoe!

    Guy: Please, if you have an unused clipboard, return it to the front desk.
    Dad: What is clap board?
    Me: It’s something you write on when you don’t have a desk.
    Dad: what?
    Dad: MISTER! EXCUSE ME! What is the clap board? Do I need one for license?
    Guy: ...here, have this clipboard
    Dad: Oh. Is just wood. Thank you for showing me clap board.

    And, they’re just about to call those “real” L’s. So I’ll end the blog here. I know I was almost laughing through this whole process, so I hope you guys find some of it funny as well! I’ll see you next time, when my dad has more antics to share.

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