Remember remember, the 5th of November....it is fine to remember, but it's really just a number.
Numbers don't always reflect what we seek. I could own 50 pieces of silver, but it means nothing if that isn't what i need.
If it means I could obtain what i need using that, then that's cool and dandy....but what if i don't know what proves to be needed?
Saxophone lessons are fun, and I've done a lot of progress. Driving lessons...are also fun, even if i make mistakes.
My plans for every week are always scheduled, so i feel at ease knowing what i need to do next.
I do the groceries, take care of my medical needs, and clean my room every now and then, all by myself.
When I'm hungry, I prepare food for myself, or buy something outside. All by myself. I buy these with my own money too.
I enjoy my games and shows, talk with people on the internet, and even go for midnight walks, just to enjoy the silence which is very rare at day time. All by myself.
It's just doing all that stuff by myself. Just a daily life for a guy without a job.
But a job is something i'm aware of, and I know when it'll be the time to search again. So it can't be that thing which is missing.
I'm not sure it's about having friends to hang out with either. Most of my friendships didn't satisfy me. Some people weren't enough sensitive to me, less than your everyday average person, while other people were way too sensitive to me.
What I see when I pass through people around my age or younger than me, are people who enjoy their accompany.
I only enjoyed that temporarily, and it heavily gets in the way of my goals. these so-called "goals" of mine didn't last for long. Reality is harsh, after all.
I don't have any life-time goals right now. I'm not even sure i'm gonna have any for the next few years or so.
Maybe that's what i'm missing...a goal. a big goal. Something that would keep me on my feet for a long time, something that a person like me can be capable of handling.
Reality is what destroyed a lot of my goals in the past. heck, when i was a little kid, i wanted to work at frigging SEGA. Now i don't want to have a job related to technology at all.
I was an activist for 2 years, only to realize that society will never listen to someone like me, who doesn't have a degree or anything that proves me to be trusted. Well, they can hear, but they won't do anything with what i said.
What i'm saying is that there is fear in looking for what is missing in my life, because if it ends up being the things which i left behind, then i'll be back to the loop which I wanted to leave in the first place.
But what i know for sure, is that as long as i won't find what is missing in my life, I won't be truly happy.
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