A few people have told me I should write a book of my life. Or at the very least, of my father. In the past, I've written about some of the crazy things he's done. I'm spending the day with him at the doctor today, so while I'm in the waiting room, I thought to write some funny things he's done. Enjoy the insanity!
Nurse: bless you!
Dad: you're welcome!
Dad: phone does this! Phone does that! You know what phone does not have?!
Me: what's that?
Dad: ESPN sports scores! The most important thing to exist!
Me: It has those, though
Dad: [excited squeal] Give phone to me now!! Phone is friend!
Me: Dad, the doctor says you can't have salt or red meat for a while, okay?
Dad: No RED meat?! Is he telling me to cook well done steaks?! Doctor must be lie! No one likes the well done steak!
Me: Er, no, he means no steak or ground beef at all. Or chips, okay?
Dad: Fiiiiine. I eat healthy for now.
Me: [checks on dad]
Dad: [is eating entire tomato as if it's an apple] Am I the healthy yet?!
Dad: phone is not having of cord. where does phone go?
Me: there's um, little signals it picks up. Like a radio? Those don't need wires.
Dad: Wow, phone is the magic!
Dad: I am not liking electric stove. It does not have fire. Real chef always has fire to cook with!
Me: ah yeah, that's a shame, it has rings instead?
Dad: [roughly shakes skillet over electric coils]
Dad: IF I AM WANTING FIRE I MAKE IT SO
[friction of pan striking stovetop causes flames to jump out]
Me: OH GOSH WHY
Me: Dad. Dad you're like 3ft underwater. Do you want to move somewhere better?
Dad: No. let me be sleep.
Me: But the water is rising...
Dad: [falls asleep on couch as water rises to his chest and snores happily]
Me: Ah, the bread aisle sure is busy. Let's wait for these people to shop and we'll come back.
Dad: Look at all of the white people taking so much time for bread...
Dad: [loudly] THE JEWISH PEOPLE ALWAYS ARE SO PENNY PINCHING. THEY ONLY WANT THE CHEAP BREAD.
[everyone pauses to turn to look at him in horror]
Dad: I am get bread now
Me: [Playing PC game]
Dad: Oh oh! Are you playing the Pokemons? PIKAAAAAAAAA is my favorite!!
Me: [Clearly playing Rocket League]
Dad: Nintendo Computer Pokemon is so different! Remember when you used to need VHS to play Nintendo?
(To him, both game carts, video cassettes, and discs are all "VHS")
Dad: [watches modern family]
Dad: this acting...is so good, but scary.
Dad: [in horror] The actor...deserves all the awards. He pretends to be the gay!
[gay couple kisses on show]
Dad: [tears in eyes and shriek] How is this legal to be on the TV?!
Dad: [gets trash bag]
Me: Dad, we're in a hotel. Why do you need that giant garbage bag.
Dad: Shhh no reasoning.
[3 months later]
Me: Hey dad, by the way, what have you been keeping in that bag this whole time?
Dad: NOTHING. DO NOT TAKE IT FROM ME.
[Day of emergency hotel checkout]
Dad: [carries two large garbage bags out to the car]
Me: [opens bag]
Me: Dad...why are there 50 hotel towels in here.
Dad: THEY ARE MINE NOW. DO NOT TAKE.
Dad: [Gets jury duty letter]
Dad: Ahahah! Foolish police think they can trick me to appear here and be exported! Silly police, they never will get me!!!
Me: Dad you've lived here legally for 50 years. They're not trying to deport you.
Dad: That is what they wanting you to think!!
Dad: [throws away letter]
Dad's friend: Hey dude, you listen to any good music lately? Got a favorite track?
Dad: Scooby song is my favorite!
Dad's friend: Eh?
Dad: [Proceeds to sing Scooby Doo theme song in heavy Iranian accent]
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