Journeying to a mysterious land, filled with snow-esque powder upon the ground -- suddenly, a mutated zombie-demon leapt from the
crevice of the earth, hoping to feed upon a tasty morsel (mainly of the Shesha's neckmeat variety) when she suddenly, and without warning or
thought, kicked with such force that the mutant monstrosity was
sucked into a different dimension. Drifting through space with an eternity of
oxygen and a feeding tube attatched to his sternum, he floated through the vastness of space for what felt like infinity. Eventually, he just
stopped thinking alltogether.
"Whew. That's what I like to call a sticky situation," said the RDVH.
"You can say that again, Mr. robotic drill-armed velociraptor horse!" Replied Shesha, as they shared a most jolly giggle.
Just then, a crazed looking gentleman wearing a boomstick upon his arm, and a large bloody bag in the other, leapt out spouting various
lines of poetry for seemingly no reason at all.
"Look here," said Shesha, "what is the meaning of this, sir?" She asked.
"Just shut yer trap, ye bonnie lass! You're nothin' but a bairn, so shut yer pie hole!" Replied the bloodthirsty gentleman, biting off his
own tongue and consuming it before their very eyes.
Seeing this, they were so stricken by fear and existential dread that they found they could not even muster the strength to scream, or
"Now, get in the bag, ye gadabouts! We must away to the loch, at once! At once I say!" He opened the bag wide. The two travelers swallowed
hard. It did not appear to be a comforting place in the slightest.
Crying, the RDVH attempted to enter the bag, but found it to be far too small for a dinosaur of his girth.
"I can't fit in the bag," the robotic chimera said.
Producing a rusty knife, riddled in blood stains, the gentleman flashed a demonic smile. "If you can't fit, well, I suppose I do have my
ways." The velociraptor's eyes suddenly grew three sizes that day, and he compressed himself inside with utter fear. "Now, ye lass, 'tis yer
"Nay. I shan't."
"Shan'tin't you?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I shan't not."
"Well, that's too bad. For you, that is!" He then pulled the trigger with his finger, blasting off the right side of Shesha's babelian
body. She screamed in agony as the supreme gentleman stepped forth -- pulling her by the root of her hair, he flung her inside; and she knew no
Many hours hence, Shesha awoke on a crooked bed, in a crooked room, with a crooked windowsill. She would've surely passed out in shock
if she had seen the garish drapes the next room over, but she bit her tongue in order to silence herself.
"Ah, awake I see? I have been quite busy, O baby!" The bloodstained gentleman exclaimed, guffawing loudly as he pointed a crooked finger
at Shesha's lower half. She gasped in fright. Her lower half had been replaced -- by a horse!
"Villain!" She shrieked. "What have you done to us?"
"Oh, just a little experiment is all," he flashed a toothy smile. "Come, look here!" He shouted. She indeed did look, and saw quite a sight.
Her companion's horsey bits had been replaced -- by those of her own lower half! "Hue, hue, hue, hue, hue! I have done it! I have successfully
created the first centuar, and the very first dinosaur man! Fufu! Ufufufufufu!"
"Nay, nay!" They screamed, but their protests reached deaf ears -- for they were now alone in this cold, cold world.
Floating through an infinite space of dazzling light, a familiar face traveled.
"What is this? What is that?" He asked, in confusicated confusion. "Where, O where is that most bonnie lass?"
"Hero... hero," said a voice. "Awaken, O my hero."
"Who doth it be?" Asked he.
"I am but a traveler of this land. A goddess, if you will, holding much power. And you -- you are dead. Your spirit now floats here, in
Gehenna. Your earthly self is no more."
"Indeed. Quite so: quite dead, that is. I fear you have at last become a buttercup of winter."
"No! No! Say it ain't sooooooo!"
"T'is. T'is so, sadly. But that does not mean this is all the end of all things. Offer yourself up unto me -- a slave to my bidding.
Do as I say, do as I bid, and thy heart shall open like a lid!"
"So... a servant I must be, in exchange for that which is most precious to me?"
"Indeed. Do we have a deal, O heroic hero?"
"Yes. We do. I accept your contract!"
"Then it is so. Ehehehe, see ya later!"
With a jolt, Esperanza Cordova sprung to life. "Och, my head. Such a splitting headache...!" Suddenly, he gave a shout. He found he had
two eyes once more, as well as two arms forevermore. "So... it's my time to rule at last! Well then..." Esperanza then leapt to his feet, and
sprung about 12 inches from the ground; for he heard a most familiar scream. He rushed to the vicinity of the noise, finding a crazed man of
dubious class engaged in the act of licking the pits of that bonnie lass.
"Speaketh thy name now, at once, be heard!" Screeched the gentleman, "You! What art thou doing in this, my most humble abode?!"
"Nothing much. Just thought I'd dish out a bit of beach justice!" Leaping into the air, Esperanza shouted "Spinning bird kick!" And
struck the side of the gentleman's head like a locomotive, twisting his neck into a most grotesque shape and snipping the thread that at one
point held his fate in twine. Freeing his compatriots from their shackles, the alien babe at once reawoke, and gasped.
"Esperanza! You are return from death, no longer the destroyer of worlds!" She laughed, hugging him.
"All in a day's work, horsey lass. Now, have you seen-" here he stopped. His one-time companion ~ the dinosaur robot hybrid was no
more. His life blood had been drained from him - indeed, he was a pony no more. "My friend... I was too late..." shedding manly tears, he
returned his friend to the planet ~ and the two travelers resumed their journey again...
As the resurected Esperanza and his companion, the alien Shesha ~ now half horse ~ wandered the world, hearts heavy and full of sadness,
our hero suddenly stopped in his tracks.
"What is it, Espy?" Shesha asked (Espy being short for Esperanza, of course) "Many miles still lie ahead til the next town."
"True. Our journey yet knows no bounds, nor purpose. But I had been thinking to myself as we journeyed about... 'tis the future, yes?
Then could it be... could a time machine exist here, in this timeframe?"
"Alas and alack," Shesha sighed, "no closer have we come to such an invention since the time when apes ruled these lands..." she sighed.
"I'm afraid naught can be done. We just have to accept that our friend is no more."
"Aye, but I was once thought dead; yet, here I am. Is it truly outside the realm of possiblity that our prehistoric friend could not
be granted with the same gift of life?"
"A point ye dost make. Could be possible. It is most certainly possible. This land knows no rhyme nor reason, so it could hold that
death is not so final as we are made to believe."
"Quite right, quite right. Then we know what we must do."
"Yes, a necromancin' we shall go!"
And so, spirits renewed, they continued down that hopeful road...
Arriving at the door of the inn of 'The Prancin' U-Smu', Esperanza did knock thrice upon the door. A peek was stolen at their visage
from the adjoining window, and they were invited inside - away from the cold.
"Hm, a centuar. Don't see many of them 'round these parts," said a gnomish traveler, dirt caked thoughly on every part of his body.
Shesha blushed, having momentarily forgotten her most recent mallady. Taking a seat at the bar, the alien centaur snake-woman proceeded to
drown her sorrows in a pool full of liquor, which she dove in. Espy sighed.
"What troubles ye?" Asked the bartender, a giantess with several eyes on every last inch of her ginormous personage.
"A death... a death occured. Our good friend, he has left his mortal coil, and gone on to... on to horsey heaven!" Here Esperanza
began bubbling, whining, and indeed crying all over the place. "Though, I suppose, he shall no longer have access to that most sacred place.
You see, their halves were swapped," Espy said, pointing to the nether regions of Shesha's frame.
"Ah, I see. Happens to everyone..." the giantess sighed, closing all of her eyes at once. She pulled up her skirt, showing that her
lower bodily areas had been replaced... with that of an octopus. "You are welcome here... 'tis a valley of misfits, this is." Here, tears
welled in her eyes, and she could control the floodgates no more.
Wading through a sea of salty tears, Esperanza pulled his alien ally to safety, as she would otherwise most certainly have drownded.
"Y'all can stay here tonight, free of charge. I feel empathy for ye, as I have succumbed to so and such a fate myself."
Espy thanked the bartender, and carried his drunkard friend to their room - which was, quite litterally, just a hole in the wall.
He closed his eyes then, only for a moment... just a moment.
Feeling his legs crushed beneath him, he found Shesha atop his body, his legs almost breaking from the weight of her equestrian half.
"Shesha, could you... urgh, get off, perhaps?"
"Why? Don't you want to - celebrate?" She laughed, lashing her tail in Espy's face, wounding him most terribly.
"Ow! What the hell?! That hurt, ya know!" He said, throwing her tail aside. "Celebrate? Celebrate what? Our friend is dead..."
"Yes, but you are here." Here she gave a husky laugh, which disturbed Espy greatly. "Your return from the dead is means to celebrate,
yes?" Esperanza was just about to protest, when she suddenly gave him a kiss on the lips - stealing his virginity which he held most sacred.
Tears in his eyes, he cried as she broke his ligaments (so he could not escape) and prepared to engage in acts of coitis -- til she at once
passed out from her drunkenness, her heavy head striking Espy in the noggin; causing him to hit his head against the back of the wall, and
he passed out on the spot.
Yawning, stretching like a cat, Shesha awoke. "Hm, hm... good morn- gasp!" She suddenly leapt from Esperanza's now ruin'd body,
which she did with much quarter. For Espy was now a broken, bloody mess (having been whipped several times by Shesha's mighty tail, capable
of slicing a fly into itty-bitty ribbons).
"M-mornin'," said Esperanza, "s-sleep well?"
"Gods! What happened to you? Were we attacked?" She asked.
"In a way, yes... but, errh, I seemed to have gotten the worst of it." He gave a shy smile, keeping to himself the frightful experience
which he had endured.
"You poor thing. Here, I shall carry you on my back," said she. She tossed Espy on her back like a sack of potatoes (his bones crunching)
and walked out of their room. "Better?"
"Y-yesh..." he said, barely able to contain his screams.
"Good," Shesha smiled and galloped down the stairs [hitting Espy's head against the rafters every step of the way, causing him to vomit
"Sleep well?" Asked the giantess, not looking up from the glass she was cleaning with a hairy, brown rag.
"Oh, yes. Well, me at least," Shesha said, with a hearty laugh.
"That's for sure," thought Esperanza. Here, he lost his grip, and fell from her back, striking the back of his head against a round
table. Able to deal with his concussion no longer, he entered a deep sleep.
Just then, several armed zombie cops burst through the ceiling, the windows, even the kitchen sink. "Cease! You two are under arrest!"
"Oh no, Espy! We've been caught!" Cried Shesha. "Espy? Espy?" She looked all about. "Where did he go?"
"Come with us," said one zombie copu, "you've got a lot of explaining to do." And so Shesha was drug off into the night, and our hero
sat in a pile of his own bile, barely alive. What will become of these two? Find out next time, on chapter four! [Coming maybe sometime in
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